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Oh no, KA, terrible timing with your son's visit which I think was during this timeframe. Were you able to enjoy the visit before you became ill?
When we were dealing with my dad's estate, my mother kept saying how she never had to do "all this" for her parents' estate. Even with good records and nothing particularly complicated, it took more than a year and a half to close the estate. One irritating issue was not being able to find the deed for the house, which had been paid in full 40 years prior. We had to pay $400 for a copy and then, of course, it was found in a shoebox.
It has motivated me to look into trusts for the kids, including the house, so everything does not have to go through probate. Probate and lawyer fees cost more than 10k in NY.
I know the pain!!!!!!! We are looking at probably about $8000 minimum.
Anyway, update: (Very frustrating day, no week, no month, no year, no two years...)
So, I'm sick, right? But better than I was yesterday or the day before when I was hacking up my lungs. Now I'm just so hoarse that I literally have no voice and it is painful to try to talk - but hey, at least I'm not coughing or running a fever anymore so things are improving.
But - was I able to enjoy my son's visit with his wife, from Guam before I became ill? Well, sort of. They got in Friday and were beat from the 24 hour commute. We did nothing that day and went out for dinner that night. Saturday they were still all mixed up time wise but we got out that afternoon and went to see my mom, the house, my brother, etc. That was nice. Sunday we went to church with my mom, then out to eat, then some shopping. This is when I started to feel really bad. By that evening I was down for the count. BUT OH NO, NOT MY SON. No, my son was CRUNK. He started talking with his siblings about things my dad had left everyone - items, not money. Next thing you know, though he has no inkling of who gets what or how it's already been settled (99 percent of it already had), by my brother and me and my mom, he starts meddling around and talking about how "that's not right." No one was complaining about anything prior to that. Even with his meddling, when I said "Hey, I'm just trying to follow Dad's instructions," everyone else was fine with that - EXCEPT MY SON, who wasn't even mad about his own stuff, but trying to stir other people up about other stuff!!!!
I could not believe it. On top of feeling worse by the minute, I was also getting frustrated, and eventually I said, "Look, I hate to be so blunt - but this is not your dad we're talking about. It's my dad. He left me in charge. He told me exactly what he wanted done. Your uncle and I are doing exactly that. We don't owe you or anyone else other than Mom and the attorneys an explanation. If you don't like it, take it up with a dead man."
Ok, that was hardcore but this stressful conversation had been going on for HOURS by the time I said this - plus I kept telling him, "Let's just quit talking about this - I'm sick, I need to go to bed." No - he kept on. And on. And on.
It got SO TERRIBLE that I finally started yelling at him to either shut up or get out of my house - LET ME GET SOME REST!!!!!!!!
Don't even get me started on the fact that he realized he 1) couldn't use his phone because it was a Guam phone so he had to use mine, and 2) his drivers license had just expired so he couldn't even get a rental car (his wife doesn't have a US license). This was a major blow to our plans for him to be independent of me, go around and see buddies, see other family, little road trip to Austin to see his brother, etc etc.
His wife runs upstairs and closes the door and stays up there crying.
He borrows my phone and proceeds to call his sister and tell her that I kicked them out of the house (not true) and I was yelling at them (not really true - I only yelled at HIM after I had been listening to his ridiculous arguing for hours and was sick as a dog). ON MY PHONE. When I said, "Give me the phone," he said, "GET THIS - MOM IS TRYING TO PUT HER HANDS ON ME AND GET VIOLENT."
What on earth is wrong with these people? I finally got on the phone with my daughter and said, "Listen - I am sick as a dog. As in, I need to go to the doctor. I can hardly talk. I am burning up with fever and hacking up a lung. And your brother will NOT quit arguing with me - meanwhile, he can't even get a rental car and he doesn't even have a phone he can use!!!!!! AND I TOLD HIM TO TAKE CARE OF THESE THINGS BEFORE HE LEFT GUAM!!!!!!!!!!!"
My daughter said, "I'm coming to get him - and I want you to go to the doctor." But she couldn't come get him right away - it would have to be later. No bueno. So I said, "Get in the car," and I drove he and his pitiful, upset wife an hour away, in the sleet and rain, to his sister's house. Then I went to the doctor who pronounced me very sick and said bend over for a huge shot in the butt and go fill about twenty prescriptions and get in the bed.
So he's been at his sister's house, and is now at a buddy's house and i think I will see him exactly one more time when he comes by to get a few things he left here and that's one time too many in my book, but I'll behave myself
I am not sure I have ever been quite so sick and quite so mad and quite so upset all at the same time.
Relatives! Can't live with them, can't kill them... . A death in the family brings out the oddest behavior, usually from the people you'd least expect it from. What a rotten way for a long-anticipated visit to start off!
Get some rest and pamper yourself. You deserve it!
Relatives! Can't live with them, can't kill them... . A death in the family brings out the oddest behavior, usually from the people you'd least expect it from. What a rotten way for a long-anticipated visit to start off!
Get some rest and pamper yourself. You deserve it!
You hit the nail on the head.
God is merciful - with a sense of humor. He allowed me to get sick with something that totally destroyed my voice, making me sound absolutely pitiful, but as of yesterday I really don't feel very bad - just a little tired, and of course talking is an effort and wears me out. So what I am basically forced to do is stay home, read, sit by the fire, drink hot tea, love on dogs, and BE QUIET. And if anyone starts to try to talk with me aka argue with me, my voice lets them know, "Hey - she sounds like she's really sick." And all I have to say, well whisper, is "Sorry -can't talk. Later."
Plus whatever I got is contagious (though probably not anymore but that can be our secret) so it keeps everyone away! And my husband already had it, so he gets to stay!!!!! THIS IS PERFECT.
I hate to admit it, but I'm having a pretty darn marvelous time with everyone out of my hair and out of my house.
Wow, so sorry you are having to deal with this, and with your father's death, all at once.
I know it. All these people need to just leave me alone. I want a quiet, peaceful, tranquil Christmas and by golly, that's what I'm going to have!!!!!!
I know the pain!!!!!!! We are looking at probably about $8000 minimum.
Anyway, update: (Very frustrating day, no week, no month, no year, no two years...)
So, I'm sick, right? But better than I was yesterday or the day before when I was hacking up my lungs. Now I'm just so hoarse that I literally have no voice and it is painful to try to talk - but hey, at least I'm not coughing or running a fever anymore so things are improving.
But - was I able to enjoy my son's visit with his wife, from Guam before I became ill? Well, sort of. They got in Friday and were beat from the 24 hour commute. We did nothing that day and went out for dinner that night. Saturday they were still all mixed up time wise but we got out that afternoon and went to see my mom, the house, my brother, etc. That was nice. Sunday we went to church with my mom, then out to eat, then some shopping. This is when I started to feel really bad. By that evening I was down for the count. BUT OH NO, NOT MY SON. No, my son was CRUNK. He started talking with his siblings about things my dad had left everyone - items, not money. Next thing you know, though he has no inkling of who gets what or how it's already been settled (99 percent of it already had), by my brother and me and my mom, he starts meddling around and talking about how "that's not right." No one was complaining about anything prior to that. Even with his meddling, when I said "Hey, I'm just trying to follow Dad's instructions," everyone else was fine with that - EXCEPT MY SON, who wasn't even mad about his own stuff, but trying to stir other people up about other stuff!!!!
I could not believe it. On top of feeling worse by the minute, I was also getting frustrated, and eventually I said, "Look, I hate to be so blunt - but this is not your dad we're talking about. It's my dad. He left me in charge. He told me exactly what he wanted done. Your uncle and I are doing exactly that. We don't owe you or anyone else other than Mom and the attorneys an explanation. If you don't like it, take it up with a dead man."
Ok, that was hardcore but this stressful conversation had been going on for HOURS by the time I said this - plus I kept telling him, "Let's just quit talking about this - I'm sick, I need to go to bed." No - he kept on. And on. And on.
It got SO TERRIBLE that I finally started yelling at him to either shut up or get out of my house - LET ME GET SOME REST!!!!!!!!
Don't even get me started on the fact that he realized he 1) couldn't use his phone because it was a Guam phone so he had to use mine, and 2) his drivers license had just expired so he couldn't even get a rental car (his wife doesn't have a US license). This was a major blow to our plans for him to be independent of me, go around and see buddies, see other family, little road trip to Austin to see his brother, etc etc.
His wife runs upstairs and closes the door and stays up there crying.
He borrows my phone and proceeds to call his sister and tell her that I kicked them out of the house (not true) and I was yelling at them (not really true - I only yelled at HIM after I had been listening to his ridiculous arguing for hours and was sick as a dog). ON MY PHONE. When I said, "Give me the phone," he said, "GET THIS - MOM IS TRYING TO PUT HER HANDS ON ME AND GET VIOLENT."
What on earth is wrong with these people? I finally got on the phone with my daughter and said, "Listen - I am sick as a dog. As in, I need to go to the doctor. I can hardly talk. I am burning up with fever and hacking up a lung. And your brother will NOT quit arguing with me - meanwhile, he can't even get a rental car and he doesn't even have a phone he can use!!!!!! AND I TOLD HIM TO TAKE CARE OF THESE THINGS BEFORE HE LEFT GUAM!!!!!!!!!!!"
My daughter said, "I'm coming to get him - and I want you to go to the doctor." But she couldn't come get him right away - it would have to be later. No bueno. So I said, "Get in the car," and I drove he and his pitiful, upset wife an hour away, in the sleet and rain, to his sister's house. Then I went to the doctor who pronounced me very sick and said bend over for a huge shot in the butt and go fill about twenty prescriptions and get in the bed.
So he's been at his sister's house, and is now at a buddy's house and i think I will see him exactly one more time when he comes by to get a few things he left here and that's one time too many in my book, but I'll behave myself
I am not sure I have ever been quite so sick and quite so mad and quite so upset all at the same time.
Wow! Your son sounds more like a spoiled child than a grown adult!
Not renewing his drivers license or getting a working phone before he left Guam (even after being reminded to do that) and then going berserk about what he/others did and did not receive after his grandfather died. Sheesh! Frankly, I can't even think of anyone that I know who received anything in the will or final wishes of a late grandparent.
Wow, and then to accuse you of getting violent with him, when all you wanted was some peace & quiet while you were sick. Man, oh man.
I don't want to be too insensitive but is he usually like that or is it possible that he is showing early signs of mental illness like his grandmother and uncle? Or, maybe the stress of the trip and the grief over his grandfather's death and his grandmother's decline overwhelmed his usual good behavior?
Whatever the reason, I am so sorry that it happened.
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-10-2016 at 03:31 PM..
Wow! Your son sounds more like a spoiled child than a grown adult!
Not renewing his drivers license or getting a working phone before he left Guam (even after being reminded to do that) and then going berserk about what he/others did and did not receive after his grandfather died. Sheesh! Frankly, I can't even think of anyone that I know who received anything in the will or final wishes of a late grandparent.
Wow, and then to accuse you of getting violent with him, when all you wanted was some peace & quiet while you were sick. Man, oh man.
I don't want to be too insensitive but is he usually like that or is it possible that he is showing early signs of mental illness like his grandmother and uncle? Or, maybe the stress of the trip and the grief over his grandfather's death and his grandmother's decline overwhelmed his usual good behavior?
Whatever the reason, I am so sorry that it happened.
Well, here's the deal with my son.
He is 30. He has always been hard to "manage" and very high maintenance. He has severe dyslexia but an IQ of 135, and he is very verbally gifted and very witty. But anything with paperwork or fine details really rattles him, and always has. I spent so much time with his school counselors and Special Ed teachers (he was mainstreamed but needed special reading and language arts classes) that I felt like I lived at the school. He ended up going to a military school the last year of high school in order to graduate, but he loves the military so it wasn't punitive. He ended up going infantry (because though he's very bright, he doesn't do well with tests). He ended up going to Iraq during the 2007-2008 military surge. He ended up in a unit with a lot of casualties. He ended up with a mean case of PTSD which he refuses to acknowledge or get treatment for.
So instead, he self medicates with alcohol and tobacco (and occasionally other stuff). Over the years, he's gotten a grip on the PTSD for the most part, but he hasn't gotten a grip on the substance abuse.
He's been married now for three years, to a girl he dated for four years, so she knew what she was getting herself into. She's a sweetie, and very responsible - works 6 days a week, college educated, and very frustrated because he is apparently floundering. He's going to school full time with the GI bill - taking welding classes, which is also good, because it's hands on stuff, not book stuff, and he seems to like it, but still - he's floundering and I know it, she knows it and he knows it.
The sort of detail like "check your drivers license" and "get a phone lined up before you come to the states" is just the sort of detail he can't seem to get his head around - and just the sort of detail that ANY ADULT NEEDS TO GET THEIR HEAD AROUND.
It's beyond frustrating. I am really worried about him, but I'm also tired of worrying about him, if that makes sense. At some point he's simply going to have to do better. Knowing he has the mental capability makes letting go of trying to continue to help him a lot easier. But it's still sad.
Is there some mental illness in there? Who knows, maybe. I wish he'd go to a counselor about the PTSD - they might be able to uncover some other issues. He had a very difficult birth, oxygen deprived and in ICU afterward, and like I said, he's always been challenging, but my gosh, at 30 years old, married, living overseas, he needs to pull his stuff together.
I hope he can, but he's going to have to do it without me. Sad but true. I'm done after this last escapade. DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE.
Just for the record, I do have at least one normal, healthy adult child - and thankfully she is the mother of four of my grandchildren. My other daughter is more emotionally volatile and that's a shame because she is also the mother of four OTHER grandchildren and her moods are very mercurial. I have another son who is single and has no kids and is living la vida loca as a bartender down in Austin - he just likes to stay out of the fray and is self sufficient - and sort of self centered. But he's not rude or disruptive or dramatic with me so I can deal with that. But MY GOSH. My youngest daughter and oldest son, combined with my mentally ill brother (who has been stirring them up) and my mother with dementia, and my dad's death - please.
All dysfunctional, crazy ass people need to get away from me. I mean it. Kathryn doesn't have anything left to give you - go figure the inside of your own head out and quit lashing out at me. I didn't kill your grandfather, I didn't take anything from you, and I don't have to answer to any of you. Except my mom, but she's not giving me hell.
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. A death in the family brings out the oddest behavior, usually from the people you'd least expect it from. What a rotten way for a long-anticipated visit to start off!