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Arkay offered some good advice.
If you keep allowing your brother to upset you, your health will eventually be affected.
It's awful that your brother has MS but it's no excuse to be abusive.
Refusing a loan against the house is absolutely correct. Saying he needs the money to buy food I sense, is just emotional blackmail.
Who would pay the loan anyway? It would fall onto you off-course. If he lost the house, who will he guilt into accommodating him? You?
Research is showing that cannabis relieves many symptoms of MS & stops it's progression in many patients.
It might even make him a more pleasant person.
Good luck.
Yes, it was emotional blackmail. I have known since the day my mother died he'd be asking me this. He's mentioned it many times and I always said 'never'. He thought I'd have to if he couldn't buy FOOD! He knew I would say no. When I said no, we are not risking your shelter. He said 'I knew you'd say that' in a tone that meant my thinking is stupid, but he knew that answer was coming.
Who would pay the loan? Well, see that would depend on whether he actually did with the money what his stated purpose was. Paying off his debt, stretching it out, making the payments lower. In theory, that could be ok. However, I don't even believe he'd do that, since he has a gambling problem.
It really doesn't matter if his debt comes out of 'my half' eventually, the issue is not letting him mortgage away his shelter. 'My half' is hypothetical. He has a life estate. Essentially, my interest in the home is a blockade from him and for him.
At one point, I had suggested simply turning my interest over to him. If he needs it to add on, modify the home to further meet his needs and my Aunt said absolutely not. Because he wouldn't use the funds responsibly, keep his finances straight to pay the home equity loan. And a reverse mortgage gives such a small % of it's value.
He won't use any form of pot. Even for medicine, Texas doesn't allow it and it's against the law. He drinks beer.
He screamed at me to STAY OUT OF HIS LIFE! and that is what I want to do. I want to turn off the switch in my brain that is always thinking, thinking. I just saw a man at the end of my pastor's show who got help from Habitat of Humanity to make his house more accessible for him being in a power chair, and a couple of improvements.
I wanted to come to the computer and message him to call Habitat for Humanity! But he'd ask questions and then tell me to do it. And then I'd waste my time, because he wouldn't answer the phone if they called, or pay attention to any forms they mailed him or whatever.
If one wants to help, one has to do all of it.
I think some tough love is in order. It's human nature to find a way up, and he can do better than he is now.
I went ahead and left a message about Habitat for Humanity. I said I will not call for you or fill out online forms (and repeated the reasons for that I already stated here). I said IF you want to help yourself this is yet another resource to look into.
Wow, what a mess. I'm sorry this is happening, and I feel for you. I think you are right to take a "vacation" from him, and I think it may be close to time to do it sort of permanently.
I also think counseling would be a good idea, if you can afford it.
Wow, what a mess. I'm sorry this is happening, and I feel for you. I think you are right to take a "vacation" from him, and I think it may be close to time to do it sort of permanently.
I also think counseling would be a good idea, if you can afford it.
IDK. Now I feel bad for the nasty way I suggested Habitat for Humanity. With the lecture on ' and no, I'm not calling them for you' and why. I mean, my reason is legit. But I should be able to remain calm. There have been too. many. years of constant crap from him way before I ever had to do any caretaking. I go to the red zone too fast.
Maybe I just need some of those phrases people learn. Be a little patient. Not with his behavior, but while I am modifying mine. Rome wasn't built in a day. I could have messaged as usual, and then if he said 'call them' I could have calmly stated why I would not. Or could not. Like 'I can't, because I am not you and cannot answer their questions'. Or 'they will only speak to the person it's for' even if that is a tiny lie.
Sometimes I spend all evening getting madder and madder. It goes like this: I see that thing about the guy who got help from them for mobility issues. I want to message my brother about it. My mind plays out how that will go because of all the previous times of similar things and I just STEW.
Maybe I should ask in psychology section or something for dealing with narcissists. I never focus on that part since he became disabled with MS. To me, that changes how I interact because I had to help him. But if my goal is to stop,,,,,,then I should go back to 'dealing with an N' techniques.
Not sure if complete lack of contact is actually doable.
You've mentioned how your dad only does what he can do and nothing more, with the expectation that your brother could do more. And even then your brother pull stunts on him that's (really jerky).
It looks like you're coming in from the opposite end. You mentioned family members asking why? He can do it himself (he "uses his ipad all the time.") It doesn't sound you're in a place that will help achieve a natural equilibrium, reasonable boundaries and so on. I agree with talking with a therapist to help sort that out in a more in depth way. You're already feeling bad now. What's going on right now shouldn't leave you feeling bad, but because of how your brother is... it is going to get worse, especially since I'm assuming his condition will progress.
It doesn't sound like you've fully accepted that your brother will always do weird, pie in the sky, unhealthy /unhelpful actions and that thinking process. He's always going to try to find or groom someone to take your mother's place. He's always going to do what seems counterproductive. He's going to keep pulling stunts that leaves your brain "scrambled". You know all this. Given to your raw reaction to what's going on and your raw feelings about your mother (and what she had to do for your brother)... I think a therapist is definitely a way to go for you.
You've mentioned how your dad only does what he can do and nothing more, with the expectation that your brother could do more. And even then your brother pull stunts on him that's (really jerky).
It looks like you're coming in from the opposite end. You mentioned family members asking why? He can do it himself (he "uses his ipad all the time.") It doesn't sound you're in a place that will help achieve a natural equilibrium, reasonable boundaries and so on. I agree with talking with a therapist to help sort that out in a more in depth way. You're already feeling bad now. What's going on right now shouldn't leave you feeling bad, but because of how your brother is... it is going to get worse, especially since I'm assuming his condition will progress.
It doesn't sound like you've fully accepted that your brother will always do weird, pie in the sky, unhealthy /unhelpful actions and that thinking process. He's always going to try to find or groom someone to take your mother's place. He's always going to do what seems counterproductive. He's going to keep pulling stunts that leaves your brain "scrambled". You know all this. Given to your raw reaction to what's going on and your raw feelings about your mother (and what she had to do for your brother)... I think a therapist is definitely a way to go for you.
I don't think that I think he will change, it just still has the same effect on me. When he targets me for mind games.
Half of my brain says NO CONTACT, like I did before my mother died, the other half says that makes me a bad person because of the MS.
I guess I have to make peace with the no contact as much as possible, and believe that God and my mother in Heaven will forgive me.
I understand symptoms and effects of MS. I understand that for many it really affects their cognitive abilities. It is unfair to respond to someone with cognitive challenges as though they are of 'sound mind.' It just puts stress on the person with the illness.
It just puts stress on the person with the illness.
And stress on the caregiver, for whom I feel very badly.
jencam, I'm thinking that the part of your brain that tells you you're a bad person is -pure and simple - guilt. But you do not have anything to feel guilty about.
You may have already tried what I am going to suggest and if so, perhaps try it again. It takes a while to build new habits, so rinse and repeat, as they say.
Do not get down into the weeds with your brother. If something you suggest is not perceived as a good idea, drop it and cut short any further conversation, since clearly your suggestion is not viable to him. Let. It. Go.
If you think his cognition has been impacted by the MS, as brandcalf suggests, perhaps have a conversation with your brother about that, suggesting that it may truly make sense to give your ideas a try. From what I know of your situation, this would be risky and may lead straight into the weeds, so if you try this and it goes over like a lead balloon, drop it pdq. I only suggest it bc of the above post and also bc I generally don't see much reason why folks that receive the care should be exempt from making concessions.
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My guess is you've tried some of this already and right now, it just feels to you that there is absolutely no solution. I am very sympathetic.
It took me absolutely years to Just. Let. It. Go. And I still feel badly about it, but it is not my fault and I can't fix it. Full stop. We can only control what we do, not what others do.
You are probably on the right track when you recognize that you move to the red zone too quickly. So, I would guess you can figure out the next step, which is when you feel that red zone coming on, just stop and take a deep breath.
Say something like- "O boy, I'm not feeling good right now. I'm going to go home. Hope you find a solution that works for you" Then stop talking and walk away.
Wish I could fix this for you, but I'm thinking you're going to keep working on it and you will fix it eventually. Best wishes.
Last edited by LilyMae521; 11-25-2017 at 03:28 PM..
Reason: clarity
I don't think that I think he will change, it just still has the same effect on me. When he targets me for mind games.
Half of my brain says NO CONTACT, like I did before my mother died, the other half says that makes me a bad person because of the MS.
I guess I have to make peace with the no contact as much as possible, and believe that God and my mother in Heaven will forgive me.
He has your dad, he has your aunt. You need a break.
And I know a guy like this. At every step in his life he’s taken the wrong path. He could have had a career, chose to be a temp. Could have had a job with insurance, didn’t really want to work every day. Got really sick and spent all his money getting well, and now no one will hire him. And he’s trying to wait till he’s 70 to collect SS, because his check will be pathetically small.
And each interaction with him is him telling me what he wants to do and what I should do, and why don’t you want to buy that car, it’s perfect for me. Why don’t I know about this or that. He’s a resident at a place I clean. I figured it out. He’s bored. He’s got absolutely nothing going on his life except researching stupid plans that won’t work and making people crazy with questions and not listening to the answers.
Any chance your brother is bored? If you think it is the answer is “Sorry, Frank, gotta go. I’m going to the library” or park or mall. Don’t let him twist you up like this. He’s just pulling you into his boredom. Tell him you’ll call him back and then don’t. Get him out of your head. He’s broken and you can’t fix him. You can only save yourself.
And if it helps— at one time I was in a situation similar to yours. I told this person I was done playing games. And when the bull started up again, I said “Don’t you remember I told you I was done?”
Best part? Really made her crazy. Best thing ever.
I don't think that I think he will change, it just still has the same effect on me. When he targets me for mind games.
Half of my brain says NO CONTACT, like I did before my mother died, the other half says that makes me a bad person because of the MS.
I guess I have to make peace with the no contact as much as possible, and believe that God and my mother in Heaven will forgive me.
Don't you feel sometimes that you are "between a rock and a hard place?"
Either alternative is just about equally difficult. If you have no contact, you feel guilty. If you try to help him, he drives you nuts.
I have that problem in several areas in my life. I agree with you that it's probably best to make peace with your boundaries and try not to feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty for.
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