Caregiving issues - difficult parent? (child, father, money, aging)

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

I am so sorry. It has always been my feeling that an adult child is never under any obligation to give up their life for a parent, especially for an abusive, neglectful parent.

What will happen if you just tell your extended family "No, this is not going to work out well for either of us if I relocate there."

Also, every cancer is different. Some people can have chemotherapy and still be well enough to hold a full time job (my husband worked full time during most of his chemo with a Stage III colon cancer, as did a friend with Stage III breast cancer) while others have a bad week right after chemo and then have two good weeks before their next round of chemo.

In my case (Stage IV ovarian/uterine/colon cancer with cancer cells spread to my lungs and upper body) my son flew 2,000 miles several different times to be with me during surgery and some of the rounds of chemo. He spent 12 to 13 weeks with me out of the 24 weeks of my cancer treatment and initial recovery. What did I do the other weeks of chemo? Several times my brother drove me and stayed with me a day or two and then a friend took over, other times a friend drove me to chemo and we set up a schedule of three different friends each spending several hours a day with me while I recovered from that round of chemo. Numerous friends, former co-workers and neighbors drove me once or twice to appointments or picked up groceries for me or brought me food (so the burden was not only on a few people) when my son was not able to be there.

I think that your extended family is just looking at how it will be easiest for them not how it will be the best for everyone. If you need to take a turn helping, they need to take turns helping, too.

Good luck.

Cancers are different.

When my husband had cancer he needed very little extra help (except for right after his surgery), and I was able to handle all of his extra help myself through taking off a month of work (I had enough saved up paid sick days) and various sick days here and there. He was able to drive and work full time during most of his chemotherapy. Neither of our adult children needed to return from their out-of-state colleges to help. In fact, neither of them ever even saw their father in the hospital during his multiple hospital stays. They offered to come home but both Hubby and I told them "No".

Now, when I had cancer it really "took a village". If I had still had a job there would have been absolutely no way that I would have been able to continue working. My son flew 2,000 miles five times to help me through two surgeries and (I recall) three rounds of chemo. My brother drove me to two rounds of chemo and a friend drove me to one. In addition, I had perhaps 36 to 40 additional trips to the doctor, chemo lab for shots or blood work, various hospitals for tests, etc. etc. About 60% of those were handled by my son and my brother and most of the rest were covered by three good friends of mine, and the remaining appointments were covered by a number of people (former co-workers, neighbors, an adult niece) who each maybe drove/stayed with me one time. Even my book club provided dozens of meals to me (by bringing them to my home or by giving gift cards to local restaurants that delivered).

Now, if your mom's cancer is the type that "takes a village". She, or someone, needs to start finding that "village" and lining up their help. Look everywhere, friends from church, neighbors, extended relatives, women in her card club, paid help, free help through cancer support groups, etc., etc. There are many resources through the Council on Aging such as Meals on Wheels. She needs to sign up for things that she is eligible to receive.

Good luck.

[NM posts]

She refuses. That's what I'm saying, guys. She won't make plans but she will say that she's making plans.

Yes, I understand walking away is an option. It's not that easy for me to also walk away from my entire extended family, which is what I would be doing because they would shun me forever...even the ones who know the situation.

Thanks again.

[jencam]

Originally Posted by NorasMom

She refuses. That's what I'm saying, guys. She won't make plans but she will say that she's making plans.

Yes, I understand walking away is an option. It's not that easy for me to also walk away from my entire extended family, which is what I would be doing because they would shun me forever...even the ones who know the situation.

Thanks again.

Have you tried the APS, 211, aging and disability dept, etc. to get things set up for her? APS will go out and talk to her about what they can do for her.

[Loriact]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be frustrating.

[runswithscissors]

Originally Posted by NorasMom

I am not just venting and am not closing off solutions at every turn. But I appreciate every post. I am just new to this and it seems:

1- I cannot force a grown woman to move to North Carolina and give up seeing my nephew before she dies
2-that would be unspeakably cruel to my nephew
3- Nobody else is stepping up and that's just the given circumstances - though the demand IS coming
4- I can't reconcile just refusing to be involved.

Not trying to resist everything, but on paper things sound like they can happen and then emotionally it's a lot. I just told her doctor's nurse I can't attend a routine doc appt Friday because I'm taking off from work Thursday to attend first chemo all day, and I am leaving Sunday, and there was a distinct chill on the phone in response.

The entire world expects the single, childless daughter to move in and take over. And people do it all the time. But it will ruin me. I guess that's a vent...

OK time for tough love. I can see you're an emotional person (with the unspeakably cruel thing etc).

What do you even mean "give up seeing her nephew before she dies"? She can't see him TODAY?

You're putting YOURSELF In this position.

Your mother didn't make any advanced arrangements before she got this cancer and possible dementia. If she didn't have a complete workup, it's possible it's gone to her brain as well. So cancer or no cancer, dementia or no dementia, that's just how she rolls. She knew she had this [whatever it is] responsibility for your sister for a long time.

Actually neither one of you worked on this in advance if we're being perfectly honest. So you knew you had this bad relationship for a very long time. Don't you see SHE doesn't want to "resolve" her relationship with YOU if she's not willing to go to where YOU are to do so?

You don't NEED to be at "chemo all day". She will be there with the staff. And I bet you any expert would say SINCE you don't have a great relationship and drama, it's better she have some peace and quiet in that "room" and focus on what's going on. NOT reliving crap that happened for the past 50 years with you there triggering all that.

So already you're not making good decisions.

I advised you to TREAT THIS AS A BUSINESS PROJECT. *shrug

But it didn't register.

It's FAR MORE IMPORTANT to meet with that nurse than to go sit watch your mom get chemo ALL DAY. And that's just a small thing.

FURTHERMORE, if your mom gets a taste of going it alone she may have second thoughts about getting support from the outside.

And why if the chemo is THURSDAY, can't you meet with the nurse on FRIDAY?

Family members are ALWAYS going to do things their own way, especially when they have poor relationships with the person.

So that's fine. Your job will perhaps fire you, you can go sit there for an undetermined length of time, she will or won't survive but you'll feel you did the right thing, will have "reconciled it", and start your life all over again.

And TAKE THE DOG. Just don't allow him to torture the cat. THAT is the easiest thing in the world. Put him on a leash and correct him to go to his place.

It never fails that the people who can't/won't control their dogs with simple "energy" (you don't even have to talk) or techniques are also the people who are very "nice" but super emotional and you can't get through to them that THEY are the ones making the dogs "that way".

LOL "He's a rescue...he's sensitive!". Yeah, a rescue 8 years ago and you could have fixed that in two days.

Or get your vet to find a short term foster for the dog from one of his patients. Or even a vet tech take may take him. I even had a client who's vet herself offered to take his dog permanently. And get a crate for him. Oh wait. I know what's coming "He HATES the crate, he'll bark". LOL

By the way, I was a single daughter of a single, irritating, life long annoying contrarian mother WITH A YOUNG KID. One of those who REFUSED to make any advance directives etc when she had the time and all she did was argue with me about it. AND her entire illness.

She was a crappy mother so she tried to "make up for it" by assuming a role with my kid.

So that kid was the closest person in the world to my mother. And he had to go through over 2 YEARS of crap having his entire last year of high school and all of college wrecked. And watching her waste away in a SNF and die at 60 lbs in a fetal position.

MY position was, I'd do whatever I could to facilitate things but only from a practical standpoint. And YES I had to close my STORE and BUSINESS to do so since she was so non compliant but I had a KID to protect. AND I had some money to live on.

You are not an outlier. But you are a "type" and you can't fight it at this point so just do whatever you need to do to start your life all over again when it's over.

I'm not being mean. I'm being direct and rational.

Shunned? LOL try being the last surviving member of your entire family except for your kid. Who cares if they shun you? Your relationship isn't good anyway. If the IDEALIZED version were possible, you would have already accomplished it.

You're letting THEM off the hook so they can keep abusing your good nature in the future OR ignore you or whatnot? Seriously?

AND you're not the first person who's goofy family expected them to quit work and go magically become the responsible party. There have even been young people here in their early 20's who's obnoxious fathers insisted they quit work and "move home" so there'd be someone to cook for HIM while the mother suffered with brain cancer and stuff.

[RMD3819]

I'll throw my two cents in based on what happened with my parents---

I am an only child.

They were financially secure and healthy and living 200 miles away. One day dad goes into the hospital for an outpatient procedure and doesn't leave for 3 weeks. He had open heart surgery. Mom does not drive. He has immediate complications starting with kidney failure and the problems keep piling on.

Wife and I have some flex in our work schedules so we rotate going there. Dad can ambulate OK so we leave for a day or so. We told them to get a cab to take dad to his dialysis. He only had it in the hospital and now needs it at the outpatient center since he is discharged. That day we call and ask mom about it. She hasn't called anyone. "Dad doesn't want to go, he's tired". I explain this can kill him. We find a cab company and organize it from afar. Dad's health goes downhill and there is no way they can be there alone.

There is no other option but to have them move in with us. We have room. They didn't want to lose there independence but cooperated and were realistic. We are fortunate for that.

My point is at no time did we discuss moving closer to them. This would have caused a total upheaval in our careers and we would never be able to get back to the level we were currently at. It would have been a catastrophe and our retirement plans would have been ruined. While I love my parents dearly we had to think of ourselves first and realize that when they are gone we are still here and need to live our lives.

Don't quit your job and move there!

[jencam]

Originally Posted by NorasMom

She refuses. That's what I'm saying, guys. She won't make plans but she will say that she's making plans.

Yes, I understand walking away is an option. It's not that easy for me to also walk away from my entire extended family, which is what I would be doing because they would shun me forever...even the ones who know the situation.

Thanks again.

Why would they shun you? Are they shunning the sister who lives a mile away?

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by jencam

Why would they shun you? Are they shunning the sister who lives a mile away?

I was wondering the same thing.

[historyfan]

Can you afford to walk away from your job & live for 2 years or whatever without a paycheck?

Can you get another, as good as, job next year?

If you leave this position, will you get a solid reference?

Does your company have family leave?

Financially & career wise what is best for you? You have only you to rely on. Try not to let emotions make financial decisions for you. I am sorry you are going through this.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by historyfan

Can you afford to walk away from your job & live for 2 years or whatever without a paycheck?

Can you get another, as good as, job next year?

If you leave this position, will you get a solid reference?

Does your company have family leave?

Financially & career wise what is best for you? You have only you to rely on. Try not to let emotions make financial decisions for you. I am sorry you are going through this.

Excellent questions. and, even if your job has family leave, in most cases it is unpaid time (but just prevents your company from firing you while you are out).

As I mentioned in a previous post, even though my son was able to take off of work for 12 to 13 weeks, it really damaged his career as it was at a very crucial point. This damage will likely last years, possibly even permanently.

You need to do what is best for you. Good luck.

Originally Posted by germaine2626

(snip)

I am sorry that you are in this situation. My son took off of work for 12 to 13 weeks to help me with my cancer treatments & surgery and it seriously, seriously messed up his career. Even though it was his decision, I feel really guilty about it. And, even with spending that much time with me, I/we still needed to arrange weeks of additional help when he was not available (as my treatments took five months - 21 weeks- and I had complications/other issues that extended my need for care about another 6 to 8 weeks).

I am sorry and wish you the best.