Parent with cancer lying to oncologist about side effects...

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by NM posts

She is refusing outside help again. I need to go to primal scream therapy.

I just told her best of luck to her, then. *screams*

What do you mean by "refusing outside help"? What exactly is she refusing?

Is she refusing that help but telling you that you need to drive over and do those things instead? Or trying to "guilt trip" you into now doing the services/things that she cancelled?

[fluffythewondercat]

Originally Posted by NM posts

She's allowed as an adult human to remain a narcissist, now a narcissist with cancer - nothing I can do about that, sadly.

I think you need to take care of you. I hope you do. That's probably the most productive thing you can do when dealing with a hostile parent. There's nothing wrong with taking a step back. And nothing wrong with leaving when she starts throwing things. Don't get caught up in inappropriate guilt.



If she's truly a narc -- and I don't doubt it because I have one, too -- she'll die the way she lived. As much as we might hope for a deathbed reconciliation, I think that only happens in movies.

[Windwalker2]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

That is the Big Picture. I think that the OP is more concerned about the day to day needs.

As an example, not only did my oncologist have me list and rate my symptoms by severity but when they happened. That helped them tweak my chemo medications as well as how much and when to take my medications at home between chemo infusions (various anti-nausea medications, when to take the laxative, when to take "binding agent", when will the ibuprofen be most effect for the headaches, what medication is best to take at what time if I'm having sleep problems, etc. etc.). If I just said "I'm doing fine" there would be no way that they could help assist me recovering between chemo sessions.

BTW, I do not know if it is typical but I had blood work every week for over six months. Saw the nurse practitioner every week (twice some weeks) and saw the chemo oncologist at least once every three weeks. Plus saw the oncology surgeon and/or his staff at least once every two months and once or twice a week for the month after the surgery.

The OPs mother's cancer may be much different

I had chemo in 1990, the Dark Ages. I was not asked all those questions. I threw up all night after getting the chemo, but that was normal. No one ever addressed all the side effects with more drugs, just did blood work. So it's possible, but probably not considered ideal in today's world of chemo. If his mother wants to suffer through it, I guess it's up to her.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by Windwalker2

I had chemo in 1990, the Dark Ages. I was not asked all those questions. I threw up all night after getting the chemo, but that was normal. No one ever addressed all the side effects with more drugs, just did blood work. So it's possible, but probably not considered ideal in today's world of chemo. If his mother wants to suffer through it, I guess it's up to her.

While some of the side effects were helped with changes in the chemo drugs or additional medication added to the chemo, most of the other things were prescription drugs or over the counter drugs taken at home. Such as start this anti-nausea drug so many hours after you finish chemo for so many days, take that anti-nausea drug in this particular situation, start this over-the-counter for constipation 36 hours after chemo, take this over-the-counter "binding medication" at this point, if your diarrhea is a certain level of severity, if you develop a headache take this, if you develop a migraine take that, etc. etc. Immediately call the doctor is X, Y or Z happens.

Of course, everyone's chemo is different. My husband was able to go to work during much of his chemotherapy (Stage III colon cancer) and his side effects were (probably) less than 10% of the quantity and severity of the side effects that I endured (except that he was a normal weight & lost 50 or 60 pounds and ended up looking like a skeleton).

I could barely get out of bed for the first full week after each round of chemotherapy (Stage IV uterine/ovarian/colon cancer) and didn't fully recover my strength until just a few days before my next round started up again three weeks after the previous round. There was no way in heaven I could possibly of held down a job during my chemotherapy.

The OP has not been specific about her mother's side effects so we don't know very much about them.

Windwalker, obviously your chemotherapy was successful or you would not be still here 28 years later. That is great.

[Blondy]

Originally Posted by NM posts

Thanks, yes there is and they say that to her as well but she doesn't ever report them other than feeling tired. And then the nursing staff isn't in the room at all when the oncologist comes in to talk to my mother. Grr.

If she is giving you more detail between her appointments is it possible to jot all that down and email the nurses?

The nursing team we used was very amenable to that.