Siblings at Odds over Caregiving Responsibilities (child, parent, father, relative)
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Two years ago my parents sold their house and used part of the proceeds to add an in-law suite to my sisters house for themselves.
This was a plan they all had in mind for some time as my mother was always adamant about not going into a nursing home. My father always joked just stick him in the VA home in the nearest big city and he was not in any hurry to implement this move especially when my BIL was still alive as they had an uneasy truce based on lots of bad blood from early in my sister's marriage.
I never thought this was a great idea and told them as much. Fast forward, my BIL died suddenly in 2014 and by 2016 they had all decided on this.
My parents were functioning independently with help with doctors visits and more help whenever they were sick or had emergency room or hospital procedures/stays.
Once they moved to my sister's she took over more and more stuff and they started becoming more dependent as well has having more health issues and generally declining.
My sister is very controlling and she has seemed to become even more controlling after her husband died. Almost as if she can prevent bad things from happening if she controls everything. She's also a perfectionist, overthinks, overanalyzes and frequently overdoes many things. Sometimes these qualities are great, but more and more they have become intolerable to me when dealing with her.
My father went into the hospital in April with acute pancreatitis and subsequently after a month's hospitalization passed away basically from multi organ failure. He was 87 and my mom is now 84.
Right before he passed, my sister and I had a huge blowup because she was bullying my mother to make decisions about my father's care and calling in hospice. That's a whole other story, but in attempting to resolve this and move past it, her answer to my complaints that she was too controlling was that she had to be because I am too passive and basically she inferred that I'm not doing my share. This was also in response to me reminding her I never agreed to the current set up.
No one on the planet would ever use the word passive to describe me. What's more accurate is that she has sensed me pulling back from getting dragged into whatever she is orchestrating because I don't agree it even needs to be done and/or how she's doing it and discussing it with her seems like a waste of time/energy.
My rationale...…..ignore whatever hoopla she is creating and save my energy for real situations.
She started telling me that my mother was lonely and needed distraction and she couldn't be back in the apartment with her 24/7. Well hello...….I don't need anyone to tell me she is grieving, lonely and adjusting to her new normal. She mentioned something about taking her to lunch. When I reminded her that I just took her to lunch two days before and told her I had just spent two hours talking to her on the phone, her response was "that's exhausting for her". So now apparently she plans to tell me how to interact with my mother.
I'm really angry with my sister right now and I feel that most of this criticism is unwarranted and is being trotted out as defense of her behavior which led to our blow up......mainly because there isn't much defense of the things she said and did.
But I don't know......I am having trouble being objective. And, more importantly I want to fix the relationship with my sister if we can. We haven't even begun to get to the really hard parts of caregiving that could be coming up with my mother.
I will just address one part of your post. Has your mother had any assistance with processing her grief? Has she had any counseling with a therapist or a religious leader?
Does she attend any type of support group?
Please see if there are any widow/widowers support groups in your area. Not only will they provide a way of helping your mom work through her grief but it is a way to meet other people who are faced with some of the same issues.
Of course, every widows/widowers group is different, but in the weekly group that I attend there is a range of ages from (I'm guessing) their mid/late 50s to late 80s. Many people had been married 40 plus years and one person had been married for 62 years. Needless to say, it is quite a change to lose your partner after so many years.
Many of the people arrive 30 to 60 minutes before the 90 minute group starts to drink coffee and chat with each other. Some are even starting to meet and do activities outside of the group, so it also has a social component. The group is ran by a local hospice group and it is completely free to anyone in the community. They also have free short term counseling and other free grief support groups.
I have attended this group for four months and I have made tremendous gains in learning my "new normal" as a widow. I have also seen amazing changes in the other participants. Absolutely amazing changes.
My sister, also a recent widow, does not attend a grief support group, but attends three different senior groups each week. The other people are in the their 60s, 70s and 80s so there are quite a few widows/widowers and most people are very willing to chat and help each other if they are having problems.
Good luck.
PS. I wonder if your sister "started to become more controlling" etc. etc. after the death of her husband because she did not receive as much support and guidance as she needed. Your sister may not realize that your mother needs more than just "going out to lunch with her daughters" to learn and accept her "new normal".
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-29-2018 at 07:29 PM..
It is not entirely clear what you and your sister are at olds about over caregiving responsibilities. I get that you think your sister is overly controlling. You indicate that she thinks (perhaps unconsciously) that if she controls everything then bad stuff won't happen. I sort of how sympathy for her in this. I know that I can tend toward that myself. It isn't by the way so much that I think bad stuff won't happen. I know it can happen. It is just that I want to feel like I did everything I could to prevent X or to see that Y occurs. If I have done everything that I can then I don't feel guilt or regret. If I haven't done everything that I can, then I will wonder if it would have been different if only I had done X.
The above doesn't at all mean that I think your sister is right. I have to work to try to avoid that tendency in myself. I am aware of the counter-productive aspects of it and try to consciously work on not taking on more responsibility than is really warranted. It sounds like your sister may not be aware of her own issues in this regard.
But with regard to the being at odds over caregiving -- where do you and she disagree now as to what is happening with your mom? What is she wanting you to do that you don't want to do? What is she doing that you don't agree with? It is hard to give feedback without knowing more of the specifics.
I will just address one part of your post. Has your mother had any assistance with processing her grief? Has she had any counseling with a therapist or a religious leader?
Does she attend any type of support group?
Please see if there are any widow/widowers support groups in your area. Not only will they provide a way of helping your mom work through her grief but it is a way to meet other people who are faced with some of the same issues.
Of course, every widows/widowers group is different, but in the weekly group that I attend there is a range of ages from (I'm guessing) their mid/late 50s to late 80s. Many people had been married 40 plus years and one person had been married for 62 years. Needless to say, it is quite a change to lose your partner after so many years.
Many of the people arrive 30 to 60 minutes before the 90 minute group starts to drink coffee and chat with each other. Some are even starting to meet and do activities outside of the group, so it also has a social component. The group is ran by a local hospice group and it is completely free to anyone in the community. They also have free short term counseling and other free grief support groups.
I have attended this group for four months and I have made tremendous gains in learning my "new normal" as a widow. I have also seen amazing changes in the other participants. Absolutely amazing changes.
My sister, also a recent widow, does not attend a grief support group, but attends three different senior groups each week. The other people are in the their 60s, 70s and 80s so there are quite a few widows/widowers and most people are very willing to chat and help each other if they are having problems.
Good luck.
PS. I wonder if your sister "started to become more controlling" etc. etc. after the death of her husband because she did not receive as much support and guidance as she needed. Your sister may not realize that your mother needs more than just "going out to lunch with her daughters" to learn and accept her "new normal".
Thanks Germaine
No she has not. Not sure if or what is available in the way of grief counseling here. We live in a small town of about 30,000 population so options are probably limited, but I will definitely check that out because I think that it is a form of social activity she could definitely benefit from. She and my father were married for 64 years. I could talk to her for hours every day and never come close to replacing that bond.
PS. I wonder if your sister "started to become more controlling" etc. etc. after the death of her husband because she did not receive as much support and guidance as she needed. Your sister may not realize that your mother needs more than just "going out to lunch with her daughters" to learn and accept her "new normal".
Oh ok...…...just saw this part of our post.
Not sure exactly what you are saying.
I don't know the answer to whether or not she got what she needed.
I do know that I was by her side and spent hours helping her navigate the practical/financial things she needed to navigate. As well as my husband.
She has a pretty strong network of friends who also provided support.
Whether what she got was what she needed I don't know.
No she has not. Not sure if or what is available in the way of grief counseling here. We live in a small town of about 30,000 population so options are probably limited, but I will definitely check that out because I think that it is a form of social activity she could definitely benefit from. She and my father were married for 64 years. I could talk to her for hours every day and never come close to replacing that bond.
Just start calling places to see about grief counseling or a grief support group. It may be held by a hospice group, a funeral home, religious groups, the hospital or through a local counseling center. It is possible that you may have to drive to a nearby city if nothing is available closer.
It is not entirely clear what you and your sister are at olds about over caregiving responsibilities. I get that you think your sister is overly controlling. You indicate that she thinks (perhaps unconsciously) that if she controls everything then bad stuff won't happen. I sort of how sympathy for her in this. I know that I can tend toward that myself. It isn't by the way so much that I think bad stuff won't happen. I know it can happen. It is just that I want to feel like I did everything I could to prevent X or to see that Y occurs. If I have done everything that I can then I don't feel guilt or regret. If I haven't done everything that I can, then I will wonder if it would have been different if only I had done X.
The above doesn't at all mean that I think your sister is right. I have to work to try to avoid that tendency in myself. I am aware of the counter-productive aspects of it and try to consciously work on not taking on more responsibility than is really warranted. It sounds like your sister may not be aware of her own issues in this regard.
But with regard to the being at odds over caregiving -- where do you and she disagree now as to what is happening with your mom? What is she wanting you to do that you don't want to do? What is she doing that you don't agree with? It is hard to give feedback without knowing more of the specifics.
Cutting to the chase, I basically feel my sister is in martyr mode.
But, that aside, a specific would be this...…..my mother hasn't driven in 7-8 years. She just stopped driving and my father did all the driving/errands.
Even when they moved to my sisters, my father was still doing errands...…..sometimes for my sister as well as him and my mom.
Now all of a sudden, my mom is rushing to get an eye test she needs before her license expires.
My sister thinks its a great idea for my 84 yr old mom to be driving even though she was questioning if my 87 year old father should be.
My mom has limited mobility, hearing issues that are uncorrected, etc.
She has been practicing since my father died driving up the dirt road to the mail box to regain her confidence in driving and at my sisters insistence driving and going through the grocery store to get her groceries before she pays the next premium on the car insurance.
While I applaud my mother's bravery in doing this, part of me wonders how much my sister is pressuring her into this in order to relieve her need to get groceries or prescriptions, etc for my mom.
But, there isn't much I can do about this. I simply told her if she doesn't feel comfortable driving, she shouldn't. And, if she needs a ride or someone to pick stuff up for her she should just call and tell me.
Regarding your post on driving. From what you wrote it sounds like your sister is pressuring your mother to drive for her convenience not because your mother should be driving.
What do you think your mother's doctor would say about her driving with a "mobility problem" and "uncorrected hearing issues"? I bet that the doctor would recommend that your mother take a behind the wheel drivers test first, at the minimum, or immediately pull her license.
Do you feel safe riding with your mother? Do you feel safe letting your young children or grandchildren ride with her? Do you feel confident having your mother drive in a neighborhood where your young children/grandchildren and their young friends play?
(I once posed these questions to someone and he responded with something like "Are you crazy? I would never ride with (my elderly parent). It is completely unsafe!" ----but they felt that it was OK to put other people in danger.)
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-29-2018 at 09:19 PM..
Regarding your post on driving. From what you wrote it sounds like your sister is pressuring your mother to drive for her convenience not because your mother should be driving.
What do you think your mother's doctor would say about her driving with a "mobility problem" and "uncorrected hearing issues"? I bet that the doctor would recommend that your mother take a behind the wheel drivers test first, at the minimum, or immediately pull her license.
Do you feel safe riding with your mother? Do you feel safe letting your young children or grandchildren ride with her? Do you feel confident having your mother drive in a neighborhood where your young children/grandchildren and their young friends play?
(I once posed these questions to someone and he responded with something like "Are you crazy? I would never ride with (my elderly parent). It is completely unsafe!" ----but they felt that it was OK to put other people in danger.)
Honestly, I don't know the answers to these questions as this is a relatively new thing.
I would have to be in the car with her driving to aswer.
Part of me does think my sister is pressuring her to drive for her convenience.
My mother says no. I don't really trust that because I know my mother does not want to be a burden on my sister and my father was driving(although they prob should have taken the keys!) so there is that.
I would have to ride in the car with my mom to decide, and maybe that is what I should do.
Just start calling places to see about grief counseling or a grief support group. It may be held by a hospice group, a funeral home, religious groups, the hospital or through a local counseling center. It is possible that you may have to drive to a nearby city if nothing is available closer.
Good luck to all of you.
OK...………..thanks for the tips. I will check these places out.
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