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If the sister-in-law is stressed out just thinking about taking her BIL into her home the reality of doing so is going to really cause stress.
And the sister might be just as stressed at the thought of taking him in. We don’t know anything about her, just know that the op is friends with the sister-in-law and of course wants the “answers” to be that no, she shouldn’t have to take him in.
Perhaps the sister had to give up her childhood to watch over this brother and doesn’t want to be stuck with him again. Maybe she has her own health issues that haven’t been discussed with the sister-in-law’s but make it unlikely she can care for him. Maybe she’s afraid of his temper tantrums and feels she can’t deal with them.
He falls getting in and out of his car, walking up and down steps. He stumbled on a hike. He's okay with flat surfaces.
I have a hard time believing the no one in group homes or assisted living homes has never had patients who fall.
You have to get a medical history and a medical diagnosis for the condition. Can't tell from this whether he's had the problem all his life or that it's a recent development, whether it's a physical handicap or a neurological condition, and so on. You also need to know whether any of these incidents required visits to a doctor or an ER. If so, they should have discharge papers explaining the diagnosis.
Sounds like it is time for the family to have an honest discussion of who will be caring for the parents as well as the brother when the time comes.
As has been pointed out, relying on government-funded programs is an iffy situation. Many of these programs are staggering under the current burden and the financial outlook is not good.
Expecting a couple who is raising three children to also look out for a cognitively challenged brother and perhaps a set of aging parents is expecting a lot.
But the reality may be that the older sister has no intention of coming back from the UK to help out, regardless of what the OP's friend thinks is fair.
Sounds like it is time for the family to have an honest discussion of who will be caring for the parents as well as the brother when the time comes.
As has been pointed out, relying on government-funded programs is an iffy situation. Many of these programs are staggering under the current burden and the financial outlook is not good.
Expecting a couple who is raising three children to also look out for a cognitively challenged brother and perhaps a set of aging parents is expecting a lot. I’m not sure we actually even know what has been planned for.
But the reality may be that the older sister has no intention of coming back from the UK to help out, regardless of what the OP's friend thinks is fair.
I’d like to know how old the three kids are considering dad is probably close to 60 at the youngest, not sure how much raising there is. I would not expect someone to actually move out of the country they live in to come back and care for them. Her husband who is a UK citizen, wouldn’t even be able to get Medicare here. To tell you the truth, none of them have an obligation to care for him or the parents. Also I can’t imagine the parents of a special needs child not making some kind of arrangements for him ahead of time. I think we just don’t know what’s already been discussed among the family.
. Early into their marriage (before they had 3 children), her mother in law took her aside and said "You're going to take care of my son!" referring to the disabled son.
(snip).
Quote:
Originally Posted by pll
(snip). His relationship with his parents is "delicate" in that he was a victim of child abuse in his family home which in some ways continues to this day in how they are treating him and his wife. (Controlling them and not asking but demanding what they must do in the future). His sister did not receive the same treatment.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould
Sounds like it is time for the family to have an honest discussion of who will be caring for the parents as well as the brother when the time comes.
(snip).
I completely agree.
But, from how the OP describes the family situation, I bet that the parents (mid to late 80s) have absolutely no intention of ever "discussing" anything with their children. They just issue orders and expect that their orders be followed (even after their death).
If the abuse and controlling behavior by his parents is still happening (and the son is close to 60 years old and was married for 30 years) it would be a tough behavior to change in the parents. The son & his wife would really need to put their feet down.
It is indeed tough to change anyone's behavior, and demanding parents are no exception.
However, reality sets in at times and this sounds like one of those times
If the parents are in their 80's, and the brother with the cognitive impairment is in his 60's, it is realistic to develop a plan.
If the older sister says she is not returning to care for these folks, then that's that.
If the OP's friend and her husband are determined not to care for them either, then they need to make that clear.
Many parents who abused their children end up being cared for by these very children. I don't know how they do it, but they do. Oddly enough, it is often the child who is most abused who steps up.
One family I grew up near, the daughters were beat constantly,. The son was rarely touched and never beat like the girls. Son moved to another state and never had anything to do with the parents. The oldest daughter, who took the brunt of her father and mother's abuse, ended up caring for them during the final years of the life. And she was sweet to them. Go figure.
So it may well be the husband will feel a responsibility and want to help out somehow.
It starts with a discussion with wife and sister about who is willing to do what.
Then discuss this with the parents and brother.
The couple may decide to help them find suitable living and caregiving arrangements. Or they may agree to have them live next door and provide support as needed.
I would strongly recommend that any arrangement in which the couple provide assistance or support start with signing over power of attorney so that they can make financial and other decisions. If parents and brother refuse to do that, then there really is no going forward.
Why would they quit their jobs?? He husband is retired. They own their home in England and would stay there. Apparently, the disabled brother just has himself. He has a desire to travel and with his sister he'd have that opportunity and she has stated she would gladly include him. It's a little weird and negative for you to assume a "life would be ruined".
Of course he can immigrate. Or spend time living in both countries. People do it all the time. She'd be his care taker so it would be allowed.
Healthy, employed people do it all the time. Neither of those are true for your friend's brother in law.
UK elderly dependent visas are extraordinarily hard to obtain. In order to get a visa, you must prove:
That the applicant is in need of long-term care to do every-day personal and household tasks because of either illness, disability or age
The required care is not available or affordable in the country where the applicant lives
That the sponsoring relative in the UK is in a position to support, accommodate and care for them without claiming public funds for at least 5 years
See the problem here? There is available care in the US, so he would not be qualified. Even if he was qualified, he wouldn't get to benefit from the "socialized medicine" - the sister would have to financially provide for all care.
Now, he could potentially apply for a 10 year standard visit visa where he would be allowed to spend 6 months out of the year in the UK, but he would not be able to use his Medicare benefits and his sister would be on the hook financially. Who would take care of him the other 6 months? Is it to his benefit to learn to navigate a new location and a new place?
I'm sorry if you perceive me as taking a tone, but it absolutely ludicrous to me to think that anyone would assume that someone can just move to another country in any circumstance, not the least someone with serious needs! It's also interesting to me that you object to my characterizing this situation as ruining someone's life and yet that's just your friend - who lives locally and no longer has dependent children - is saying just that and no one seems to be willing to have a hard discussion with the parents about longterm caretaking plans. There's a lot of talk about how this man likes to drive and couldn't *possibly* go to a group home, but traveling back and forth to the UK is perfectly fine? Or having the sister move back to the US because she can't permanently move the brother is A-OK?
I don't blame your friend here - the parents are the ones who are out of line - but thinking someone can "just" move to another country is nuts.
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