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She's comforted by having her environment predictable. Changing it or making threats of changing it will drive up her anxiety.
Give her something to do or watch. She is fed and warm, but that is about it.
And you know this how? Please give us some credit for doing everything we can think of to alleviate her anxiety. Her attention span is very short, she can't follow dialogue on TV or radio, falls asleep reading, gets bored very easily etc etc. She resists her hearing aid. My brother is living there. He is not the hired help. He goes above and beyond to meet her every need. But he has to have some space and privacy as well.
Her anxiety and restlessness is a quality of life issue for both of them. Thus my original query about anxiety meds. Please don't make assumptions when you cannot know the facts.
And you know this how? Please give us some credit for doing everything we can think of to alleviate her anxiety. Her attention span is very short, she can't follow dialogue on TV or radio, falls asleep reading, gets bored very easily etc etc. She resists her hearing aid. My brother is living there. He is not the hired help. He goes above and beyond to meet her every need. But he has to have some space and privacy as well.
Her anxiety and restlessness is a quality of life issue for both of them. Thus my original query about anxiety meds. Please don't make assumptions when you cannot know the facts.
Anxiety and familiarity with the environment is a common problem that's brought up in the dementia threads on this forum from time to time (and probably other sites). It's been discussed when moving parents with dementia.
No one said that he was in the wrong.
Maybe the reading is the way to go. I provide newspapers, magazines, and books for reading. If she can go out, a shopping trip or drive might be better. There are a lot of TV programs that feature traveling which can be stimulating without having to follow the narration too closely. Maybe old musicals with Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly would be entertaining. A few things I've used.
It seems to me that it wouldn't hurt to try anti anxiety meds. Some can take a while to kick in. Is there anyone that can spend time with her besides your brother? If she attends church could other members come to visit with her while your brother just takes a short breather?
How is this at all relevant to my OP? She is not newly widowed. That is not the issue.
The reason that I asked was to see if she was newly widowed, especially after a long marriage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sayulita
Although he has moved in to care for her, she seems unable to allow him to make the place partially his own. She wants everything to stay as it always was without taking his needs into account. She is fed, sheltered, warm and loved.
(snip)
Thoughts?
I attend a widow/widower grief support group and it is extremely difficult for some of the people to "move ahead" in regards to their late spouse's belongings and how their house is arranged. I am a very understanding, caring person and even I am surprised at some of the attachments to their late spouses possessions. There were several people in my group that would not move their late spouse's shaving or beauty supplies or medicine bottles off the counter in the bathroom for months or even years. Several people also mentioned that their late spouse's favorite foods were in the refrigerator months/years after their death.
And, if they were not ready to do these basic things you can imagine that they were pretty unwilling to move spouse's favorite chair or favorite picture or favorite dishes or favorite room arrangement or how the guest bedroom was set up when they were alive.
I personally have known widow/widowers who still have their late spouse's clothes in the closets and drawers for years, even decades, after their death.
Now, this may not be the case with your mother, but I just wanted to mention it as a possibility of why she is having trouble allowing her son to move things around and add his own favorite things.
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-19-2020 at 09:38 AM..
It might also be good to help her find some ways to deal with the anxiety as well (does she think it is a problem, or is it just that it's stifling to your brother but she's clueless that there's an issue?). Maybe she could keep a journal of things she worries about. Or, depending on what she worries about, learn to think about it logically-- is this really a real threat/risk/worry, or not? (Once had that discussion with my mom, who was a bit of a worrier. Her: "But what if this thing happens?" Me: "How would that happen?" Her: *thinks* "....I don't know..." *got over it*).
If you think it's also possibly because she's bored or lonely, are there any activities she could get involved in? Either hobbies to keep her busy at home, or activities out with other people? (Which will also give your brother a little peace, besides keeping her busy...)
Sometimes I think parents forget the parent-child dynamic changes when a child grows up and, well, is no longer a child. It's easier to remember if your kid is living apart from you, but if they live in your house, I imagine it's easy to fall back into old ways. I always said I could never live with my mom as she would have a hard time remembering I was an adult and would always watch what I ate (was it enough, was it healthy, etc.), where I went and who I went with (was it safe, would I be out to late, etc.), things like that. She was just worried about me but it still would not have been appropriate.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sayulita
How is this at all relevant to my OP? She is not newly widowed. That is not the issue.
Because there may be a concern about depression, anxiety, or loneliness related to his death, that's how.
I'll no longer be responding here. All the assumptions and off-topic remarks have become exhausting. To assume that we haven't explored every option/solution/avenue is insulting. She's old, losing cognitive function, but fit and ambulatory. We have consulted, gotten medical opinions but have not asked about anxiety meds. That's what this thread was about and it has ricocheted off into many directions. We will explore all medical/psychologic/physical options. All other avenues have been exhaustively pursued. Thank you all for your input. Conversation over.
Just offering sympathy with anxiety issues. My 92 year old father has become really anxious as well. When any of my brothers or I are on a road trip, he wants to call the traveler about every half hour to see how it’s going. One night he called me to suggest I watch a tv show, then called 12 times in 20 minutes to see if I had been able to find it. Although I visit often, I’m not living with him, so can only imagine how frustrating it would be. On the phone, it’s not so bad, particularly since I’m retired and have few other responsibilities or stresses in my life. But I do hope whatever you try works for you; love and patience sometimes need some assistance! I might talk to dads hospice nurse about this for dad, so thanks for the idea.
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