Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
First let me say that I am mainly being fearful/slightly paranoid at this point. There has been no serious discussion of having my MIL move in with us to date. Also, I just spoke with my husband and made him promise she wouldn’t come live with us. I would prefer that she not even be in our city, but could accept that if absolutely necessary. Not in our home though.
However, it is clear as of tonight. that my MIL is in trouble. She is 92 and has realized that she can’t live in her (rather large) home anymore. I knew this was coming and had just assumed she would be moving to an assisted living facility in her state. Wrong. Her plan is to move in with her youngest daughter who lives close by She in fact moved to be close to my MIL. Unfortunately, she does not get along at all with her son-in-law (to be fair, the SIL is kind of a jerk) so now the son-in-law has decided to divorce her daughter and in fact has already moved out. Unfortunately, he is the owner of the house that the daughter (my sister-in-law) and MIL were going to live in. This doesn’t seem like stable situation to say the least.
I don’t know what is going on exactly, but my husband got a call from his brother asking him to help “deal with” the situation.
So, I am honing my arguments, constructing my personal barricades ....
Arguments against having my MIL stay with us.
1. She is 92 and has already lived a nice, long life. I am 57 and have advanced lung cancer. I am currently in remission and thankfully have no symptoms (although I am managing two other relatively mild conditions). My husband, bring the optimistic person he is, he seems to have convinced himself that I am fine and I beat the cancer. To be honest, I like to think that too sometimes. But I know it’s unlikely I will live a long, healthy life at this point. I do not want to be spending the last years of my life being a caretaker for my MIL (or attempting to be her caretaker).
2. I do not have a caretaker personality ... at all. I have many virtues, but being nurturing is not one of them. I have never ever ever wanted children (and I’m fact didn’t have any) because I knew from the get-go that I am not a caregiver.
3. My MIL already has plenty of money as far as I can tell. She will also be selling her rather large house and having an estate sale, so there should be more of it. So, it’s not like she can’t afford assisted living. In fact, the arguments I heard (from my husband) about why assisted living wasn’t such a great idea was that “she would feel lonely there” and “she wouldn’t have any friends.”
4. I don’t like my MIL. I have never told my husband. I have always been nice and respectful. But the truth is, I really don’t like her.
So, I made him promise this was not going to happen. Fortunately, I know for a fact that he also really doesn’t want his Mom living with us. It’s just that he is also a really nice person, a very dutiful person, someone who feels easily guilty , someone, in other words, who might find himself agreeing to something he would rather not agree to since it is his “duty,” and couldn’t bear to think of his mother as friendless and alone in some institution. So, I am working on some psychological jujutsu ... just in case.
First possible tactic.
1. Say NO! NO, she is not coming here.
2. If somehow she happens to come here anyway (just for a little while ...), sit everyone down and draw up some boundaries, like what her exit strategy is and what her exit timetable is.
3. If she is still here, I will tell my husband that I will not be caring for her at all. I will write it down and have everyone sign it. It will not be my responsibility to take care of her, cook for her, take her to appointments, keep her company. If my husband is upset with this, I will tell him that he should retire early and stay home all day to take care of his Mom (we have the savings, so why not?)
So your husband still works and you don't? Meaning, he'd be at work all day while you're home with his Mom? That doesn't sound right/fair at all.
I would first try to go at it from the benefits and drawbacks TO HER of your house v. ALF, rather than just outright "NO!". The example I give is this: My Mom was 89 and had fallen several times and ended up in the ER then rehab. She lived in FL and I, an only child, in PA. After the first go-round, she insisted she wanted to come home, she'd get Meals on Wheels, blah blah. Well, she ended up falling again, ER again, rehab again. She still didn't want to go to an ALF, but I flew down, talked to the social worker and found a nice facility where she'd have a private room. I told her let's try it for six months -- if you don't like it, we'll go to Plan B. (There really was no Plan B.)
Surprisingly, she ended up being really happy there. The food was great so she looked forward to her meals every day. She didn't need her car (I took it), there was a shuttle to all her appointments. And the most shocking was that she played Bingo -- the woman who pooh-poohed Bingo or any other kind of "senior center" activity!
At the end of the six months, I asked her what she thought and she said she really liked it and would stay. And it turned out, she fell in her room a month later and died in the hospital from a severe brain bleed. (I have no idea what she was doing or why she didn't buzz for the aide, but she "never wanted to bother them, they're so busy".) But at least her last six months were pleasant, and she certainly didn't feel lonely. They made sure all the residents were up and about every day.
So maybe you could suggest that -- a six-month trial run. Also, another point is that your cancer may be in remission now, but the stress of being a caregiver might bring it back. My neighbor had breast cancer that was in remission, and it came back after she was in an accident where the motorcyclist who hit her ended up dying in her back seat. So now your husband the optimist wouldn't want to take a chance on that now, woulllldddd he???
ETA: I forgot to say, I also told Mom I wouldn't sell her condo, meaning that if she wanted to come back after the six months, it would still be there. (Even though I knew she was never coming back.) So maybe you could tell the MIL the same thing, so it "sounds" a little less permanent.
Last edited by Avalon08; 04-28-2021 at 10:19 PM..
Reason: added something
Can your oncologist or other doctor write some kind of letter stating caregiving would be very detrimental to your health?
That really isn't a lie. My sister who has MS and walks with a limp was doing too much for our elderly father (95). It caused too much of a strain. The situation HAD to change. Also, his needs were increasing. We found a nice ALF. He still complains but that is his personality. The good news is, some Covid restrictions are lifting. They will take some residents for scenic bus rides if they want to go. He started talking to two nice men and others in the dining room. He has his own private room with a view of a pretty courtyard.
As far as her being lonely - there would be other women she could talk to there. I would strongly advocate for assisted living. And tell your husband it would never work out bringing her to live with you. I wish you the best of luck with everything.
At 92, an assisted living apartment is reasonable. They have apartments that have grab bars in showers, call buttons in bathrooms, availability of communal meals up to 3 times a day, hair salons in some, card rooms, movie rooms/nights, buses that take people to malls or events. Many seniors really enjoy living there. Look up Good Samaritan assisted living facities. They have them nationwide, or I'm sure something similar. Here, they were about 2200 mo about 10 yrs ago. Not sure of prices now.
Tell your husband you will tour assisted living places with him for your Mom, and get some good options where she would be happy. She is not coming to live with you, so you do not have to come up with tactics. You do not have her come live with her, period. It is not fair to either of you, and she has the resources to find a nice assisted living place, so that is what you should be helping with.
If she wants to live with her daughter, that is her business, and I think you should stay out of that one.
Seriously, the "exit plan" for a 92 year old is death, so help her find a nice place to spend out her last years as happily as she can. My parents really liked assisted living, and they realized they should have done it years earlier.
Since this is HIS home too, and HIS mother ( we only get one of them). Consider this your challenge to evolve as an adult.
My suggestions are:
IF she does find herself darkening your door step-
hire a care giver . They have the skill of compassion and empathy.
Sounds like you know your husband well enough that even you push him into saying "promise me". Why is it that its okay for him to promise you yet not his mother? Seems quite the double standard.
Since its just speculation at this point as nothing is set in stone, I'd surmise it to say she may well stay with the daughter and find another solution. Just as she probably has not butted into your marital decisions , you need not place your two cents into her life happenstance.
Respect whatever decision your husband comes to on HIS own. He might be your spouse but he has been her son much longer. Regard that. In the interum, examine your self. Take this as awake up call .
[quote=Nov3;60930752]Since this is HIS home too, and HIS mother ( we only get one of them). Consider this your challenge to evolve as an adult.
Quote:
Sounds like you know your husband well enough that even you push him into saying "promise me". Why is it that its okay for him to promise you yet not his mother? Seems quite the double standard.
.
It’s not a double standard. I’m his wife. I have lived with him for over thirty years. Much longer than he has lived with his Mom whom he sees rarely since she lives 1,000 miles from us. Also, I co-own our house. And, I am his wife. Did I already mention that? Everyone knows that a spouse is closer kin than a parent.
OP ....you are NOT wrong. I actually suggested to my husband that my 92 year old very sweet MIL come stay with us for a year. It turned out to be a terrible decision for so many reasons.
I don't mean to sound negative but the reality is you are a cancer patient. My closest friend was one for 5 years and doing great! Just like your husband, we all thought she was fine. Until she wasn't and she took her last breath at 55. Do what is right for you. It's not selfish. Your MIL has other options so you are not sending an old lady into the streets.
If your MIL needs help but is not helpless, there are independent residential facilities that would accommodate her. They provide a safe, monitored environment for people who need some limited help, but not total help.
She could hire an aide to come in the morning to help with shower and dressing. Many facilities provide meals and have activities.
I don't know where OP is, but Fleet Landing, outside Jacksonville, FL, is an excellent facility with accommodations for independent living (including small private homes), assisted living, skilled nursing care, and hospice.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
