Aging Aunt refuses to move (dementia, child, money, relative)
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i will never put her in a home and that is my ultimate goal: to prevent that from ever happening. i want her to move away from a building with no elevator in an area with no one around her with high crime, where it is only an accident waiting to happen at her age. i think a ground floor apartment or single story residence near her immediate family is ideal. she isn’t in her 40s anymore. the city is not a good place or fit for her anymore. if she had a close friend or partner that would be good, but she doesn’t. she used to have a very active social life, but pretty much everyone she knew has passed away or moved. the way i see it is she is stuck in a bad situation that she needs family support getting out of. if she had grown children, they would be making her move. it’s blatantly obvious that a plan needs to be put in place because as of now, there is no plan.
I don't mean to belabor the point, but what about cooking and meals? When you say "home" it's like you think of it as being a terrible thing. Most retirement places and assisted living places are really nice and they do cost. My father has a beautiful apartment overlooking a garden/patio with excellent meals and attention. I mean, they leave him alone after daily pills and weekly blood pressure, but they pay close attention to things. Even if someone is in good health, it can go downhill rapidly. For example, he had a fall a few weeks ago. He did something he shouldn't, tried to lift a box and put it on his walker. A CNA happened to be in the next apartment helping someone. She heard a thump and immediately let herself in to my dad's apartment.
My mother had my grandfather (her father) living with her in his final days. He was 89 years old. She was still working only about a mile away so she checked on him at lunchtime. He kept leaving the stove on with a pot on it. After the fire dept. came out a few times, she was forced to place him in assisted living because back in those days (1975) hiring someone wasn't as easy even if she'd had the funds, which she didn't. Just a thought. Not saying it will happen, but it could. IMO your aunt needs to be in a place where they have "pulls" - next to the bed, and in the bathroom.
I'm not trying to convince you, just giving a different perspective. A "home" to me is a group home in a private house, like I researched with my mother several years ago. I said no to those. They were not ideal. Some can be, but the ones I saw were lacking in various ways. I would have never let her go to a private group home. But independent living apartments are usually very nice.
Of course, your aunt might be an introvert and therefore not really stoked about the idea of being around other people, even while being able to close the door. Living alone where she has, she's become accustomed to having her own space without dealing with very many people but as I mentioned upthread, she would be in control of how much or how little interaction she would have with other people in a retirement setting. Some people think they are going to hate it, and they end up liking or even loving it.
Last edited by pathrunner; 12-20-2022 at 07:19 AM..
Reason: add a sentence
I hope your Dad is ok from the fall, good thing someone was right next door to check on him.
Falls are so dangerous for anyone especially the elderly, complications can happen and recovery isn’t always so fast, if at all.
Your point “Even if someone is in good health, it can go downhill rapidly.” This is true.
I read that Christoper Plumber fell and sadly passed away a few weeks later from complications, I think he was 91.
Aging is something each person needs to embrace and adjust accordingly.
Many elderly people may think well that won’t happen to me, this may be partly denial and not wanting to face the aging process. Hopefully, nothing happens, however, it’s better to be safe and secure either with family or some type of assisted living.
Often it takes an accident for the aging person to move to a safer environment. My own MIL had to fall and break a vertebra for her to relent to our requests to move into Assisted Living. At that point we had already had her sign a POA giving us the right to make decisions for her, but we didn't want to have to force her to move. After her fall, and surgery, she was not taking her pills properly and almost OD'd on her pain meds because she didn't know how many she'd taken. When we were cleaning her tiny apartment, we found over 100 packages of various OTC meds like sleeping pills and cold meds that she'd been taking willy-nilly despite them being contraindicated with her prescriptions. At that point we were just done with her refusals and moved her to an AL near us. She yelled at us, and complained, and even cried to us on the phone for days, but we knew that she wasn't safe alone anymore. She'd visited the AL before and said she liked it, but I don't think she realized she was going to be made to move there.
It's really hard to go through for them, and for their families, but in the end it's for everyone's own good. Eventually it gets better when they realize that having company around, and people to dine with every day, and people to help them 24/7, and to do their cleaning and laundry is a good thing. Eventually they get with the program. Having us living 10 minutes away was a big help to all of us, and we saw her at least a couple times a week which made her really happy.
Falls are so dangerous for anyone especially the elderly, complications can happen and recovery isn’t always so fast, if at all.
Your point “Even if someone is in good health, it can go downhill rapidly.” This is true.
I read that Christopher Plumber fell and sadly passed away a few weeks later from complications, I think he was 91.
Many elderly people may think well that won’t happen to me, this may be partly denial and not wanting to face the aging process.
Or...
Maybe they don't CARE what happens to them at that point and would rather die living independently than linger in an institution. Maybe Christopher Plummer felt he had lived long enough at age 91. There's such a thing as quality versus quantity of life.
Maybe they don't CARE what happens to them at that point and would rather die living independently than linger in an institution. Maybe Christopher Plummer felt he had lived long enough at age 91. There's such a thing as quality versus quantity of life.
lot of posters and the govt it sounds like, don't understand that concept.
Often it takes an accident for the aging person to move to a safer environment. My own MIL had to fall and break a vertebra for her to relent to our requests to move into Assisted Living. At that point we had already had her sign a POA giving us the right to make decisions for her, but we didn't want to have to force her to move. After her fall, and surgery, she was not taking her pills properly and almost OD'd on her pain meds because she didn't know how many she'd taken. When we were cleaning her tiny apartment, we found over 100 packages of various OTC meds like sleeping pills and cold meds that she'd been taking willy-nilly despite them being contraindicated with her prescriptions. At that point we were just done with her refusals and moved her to an AL near us. She yelled at us, and complained, and even cried to us on the phone for days, but we knew that she wasn't safe alone anymore. She'd visited the AL before and said she liked it, but I don't think she realized she was going to be made to move there.
It's really hard to go through for them, and for their families, but in the end it's for everyone's own good. Eventually it gets better when they realize that having company around, and people to dine with every day, and people to help them 24/7, and to do their cleaning and laundry is a good thing. Eventually they get with the program. Having us living 10 minutes away was a big help to all of us, and we saw her at least a couple times a week which made her really happy.
Glad she OK! I'm very curious as to how she's adjusted? I've seen most people adjust pretty well, and a lot of them are pretty ancient (for me, that's over 90). They buddy up with others on their floor, or at their dining table in the dining room. They also rely on other residents who are in really good shape. I have a friend who helps several people at her independent living facility where my dad used to live.
At my dad's facility, they keep ALL pills at the nurse's station on the 1st floor which houses skilled nursing. There are a few assisted living rooms on that floor. The 2nd floor is entirely made up of assisted living. All pills includes OTC painkillers. Obviously, residents can keep those in their rooms and probably do but shouldn't.
A worker stops by every morning (and afternoon, as the case may be) and doles out the pills, watching the resident take them. My dad is doing so much better now that he gets all pills and at the right time and dosage. I believe it's a large reason why he is still alive. He's also surrendered to wearing the Life Alert necklace (a requirement).
It used to be that many AL and SNF (Skilled Nursing Facilities) were not very nice places. That's just not true anymore. There is a lot of competition amongst these places (especially AL) even though some of them are full up with a waiting list. Many of these places are decorated beautifully with well appointed rooms, great activities and events (entertainment) and wonderful meals.
Oh my goodness... Have you been in the average nursing home lately?
They are not "very nice places."
Seeing as how I've toured quite a few AL and SNF's as well as group homes in the past 12-15 years with respect to both of my aged parents, I'd say I know exactly what I am talking about. They're not the Hilton but they are not dives, either. Yes, some may well exist. I didn't find that to be the norm. Nursing facilities are clinical and a bit depressing just by their very nature. Is there some reason why that isn't acceptable? I'm not getting into any more bickering matches with you, otter. Please leave it alone. Thank you.
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