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Location: When things get hot they expand. Im not fat. Im hot.
2,513 posts, read 6,323,285 times
Reputation: 5317
Quote:
Originally Posted by Va-Cat
I'm so angry right now, I'm shaking. My two closest in age siblings, my brother (a year older) and my sister (2 years older) seem to think that they know better than me on where and how my husband should be cared for. My brother's genius idea is that all I need to get is a stationary bike and a treadmill and DH will get better. My sister seems focused on her belief that I just haven't taken good care of him and that she isn't surprised that UNDER MY CARE he now needs outside assistance. They don't get that Dementia comes with major declines that always lead to death. There is no cure or even treatment for Dementia.That is a fact. A bike or treadmill is actually laughable since with his balance and coordination deficits he would be on the floor in seconds. As far as my care, I don't discuss with my family all of his issues. That includes his increasing incontinence, the difficulties with hygiene and a hundred other things I don't mention because if he wasn't suffering from Dementia, he would be horrified to know what he can no longer do for himself. He was always a private man and I try to honor that even now. I want him remembered for the brilliant and witty man he has always been not for what this disease has done to him.
For everyone reading this... if you know someone that is a caretaker for a loved one and you want to help, there are things you should and shouldn't do.
For things to do: please feel free to make a suggestion but understand that if we say no it means we have already tried it or there is another reason why it wouldn't work. Dont argue with us. We already spend a lot of our days in conflict. Second, sometime we are not looking for advice we just want someone to talk to. Please feel free to ask us how we are doing. Even better, chat with us about something funny that happened to you and other ordinary every days things. In other words, distract us from what we are doing and facing every day. Help us put some normalcy back in our lives.
As for what not to do, please don't be critical, do not judge and for mercy sake don't critique anything that has already happened. We probably haven't shared all the difficulties we face day in and day out. Telling us what (you think) we did wrong doesn't help. It's hurtful, ignorant and we don't need it.
Because of the blizzard, I may not be able to spend what could possibly be the last Christmas with my DH. The PT center he is at is over an hour away and I don't know if the roads will be cleared by Sunday. I was going to spend Christmas with my brother and sister but after our conversation today, I've canceled that. If I can't spend Christmas with my husband, I think a quiet (non-judgmental) day with my dogs is the perfect alternative. Merry Christmas to all of you. As always, thank you. I appreciate your ear.
Dont pay any attention to them. Remember its easy to be perfect when someone else is doing all the work.
Not the same circumstances as you but I got grief from my inlaws for not visiting my husband in the nursing home every day. First of all we talked on the phone multiple times. Sometimes twenty times a day. And secondly one visited twice in 6 months and the other not at all. I said. Really. You think someone should be there in person everyday? Ok. What days will you be there. Crickets.
I am so sorry. 33 years ago my husband was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. We go the disagnosis on our one year wedding anniversary. I was 25 and he was 27. The first thing my mother in law did was tell anyone listening that she always cooked healthy food so it must be due to my cooking that he got cancer. People make things that aren't about them about them. I am not sure why that is but they feel the need to put blame on something or someone when they have no clue. Its hurtful and ignorant. Just know this is about them and has nothing to do with you or your husband.
I am so sorry. 33 years ago my husband was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. We go the disagnosis on our one year wedding anniversary. I was 25 and he was 27. The first thing my mother in law did was tell anyone listening that she always cooked healthy food so it must be due to my cooking that he got cancer. People make things that aren't about them about them. I am not sure why that is but they feel the need to put blame on something or someone when they have no clue. Its hurtful and ignorant. Just know this is about them and has nothing to do with you or your husband.
OMG. What a heinous woman.
People can be *******s. I just found out from my BF's SIL that her husband, BF's brother, runs around telling people he doesn't feel sorry for his brother because he didn't eat healthy and he used to smoke a pipe.
The bro and his wife are big health nuts, always running or kayaking or bicycling. I feel like he's going to get a big surprise one day for saying that. Bad karma.
My brother died from Hep C he picked up during a short stint using IV drugs when he was young. Killed him 25 years later. I never once thought of him as having "deserved it" or avoided him when he was dying because of it.
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