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My Josette is not a lap kitty. The only time she really wants affection is when we are in bed-usually after the light is out and sometimes in the middle of the night. She will come up and I don't reach out to her, she will let out the smallest "Peep" as if to say, "I'm here" or "Are you awake?" It is so funny. She will purr, sometimes tries to nurse-though she hasn't done this much anymore. She may give me a massage but then she will climb on me or hubby and just stand there. I always think she is playing "King...(oops) Queen of the Mountain."
Sometimes when I am sitting downstairs, if I put my foot out (I am always barefoot) she will come running to my foot and go back & forth under it. Sometimes if I put my hand out, she will come to get affection. She does come into the bathroom with me and let me pet her there. Once in a great while, she will climb on my lap in the kitchen to get a closer look at the window. But she never settles down. She will just stand there. Lately, there have been a couple of times where she will put her front paws on my chair in the living room but she never jumps up. I keep hoping.
I pick her up from time to time and cuddle with her for just a few minutes even though I know she is fighting me. I am hoping by doing this frequently, she will get used to it and maybe actually learn to like it.
I had a black cat named Big Mouth that was affectionate but would never let me pick her up or sit in my lap for 10 years. After my alpha female died, Big Mouth literally out of the blue launched herself across the living room one day into my lap and was a lap cat until the end of her life at age 17 years.
My Russian Blue, Sweet Pea, doesn't allow me to hold her, but will walk across my lap, or sit on the arm of the chair to be companionable. On very rare occasions she will sit on my lap for a few seconds. I usually hold my breath for fear of alerting her to the fact that she is actually there, lol. It's always such a surprise and a joy, but I would never think of trying to make her do it. In fact, it's almost more precious for the rarity.
In my experience, most cat people enjoy the independence of the cat. But it is possible to train a cat to do most anything with the proper food rewards. I have an old book from 1977 by Jo and Paul Loeb called YOU CAN TRAIN YOUR CAT.
Using the food rewards in that book, you can train your cat to use the toilet, to sit on command, to come when called, to walk on a leash and even to sit on your lap. It takes more work than for a border collie or a Labrador retriever. But if you are persistent, it can be done.
My first cat trained us to chase a pipe cleaner. He carried it around for ages. One day when we were sitting on the stairs, he took the pipe cleaner, turned his head sideways, and tossed it down the stairs. Then he ran later it, brought it back and put it down in front of us. We didn’t get it. So he did it again. After the third time, we figured out what he wanted, and we threw it down the stairs and he brought it back. Perhaps he was crossed with a retriever.
Of course, we couldn’t choose when to play this game. It only worked when HE brought the pipe cleaner to us.
In my experience, most cat people enjoy the independence of the cat. But it is possible to train a cat to do most anything with the proper food rewards. I have an old book from 1977 by Jo and Paul Loeb called YOU CAN TRAIN YOUR CAT.
Using the food rewards in that book, you can train your cat to use the toilet, to sit on command, to come when called, to walk on a leash and even to sit on your lap. It takes more work than for a border collie or a Labrador retriever. But if you are persistent, it can be done.
My first cat trained us to chase a pipe cleaner. He carried it around for ages. One day when we were sitting on the stairs, he took the pipe cleaner, turned his head sideways, and tossed it down the stairs. Then he ran later it, brought it back and put it down in front of us. We didn’t get it. So he did it again. After the third time, we figured out what he wanted, and we threw it down the stairs and he brought it back. Perhaps he was crossed with a retriever.
Of course, we couldn’t choose when to play this game. It only worked when HE brought the pipe cleaner to us.
Yes of course cats are trainable (and more important, they find US trainable). And cats playing fetch is a common feline trait. But training a cat to do tricks or where to scratch is not the same thing as forcing a cat to show a physical closeness she doesn't want to show.
A cat chooses where she or he wants to sit, or who she or he wants to cuddle with, and that is as it should be. Would you like to be forced to sit somewhere not of your choosing that you found uncomfortable? Of course you would not. You have your own individual personality and preferences, and so does your cat.
Your cat should have the right to choose where and when she cuddles or snoozes, as well. If she doesn't want to be on your lap, that is her choice.
As for "enjoying the independence of the cat" that's a fallacy. Cats are social creatures, loving and affectionate. Not wanting to be on your lap doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with you. She just doesn't want to be on your lap.
My cat is sitting on my lap as I type this. She would sit on my lap all day if I allowed her to. However, she doesn’t like being picked up. I sympathize with everyone whose cat won’t sit on your lap though (assuming that you’d like them to).
My cat won't sit in my lap but she doesn't mind if I pick her up and walk around with her lol. She's always been that way
Have you tried putting some of that really tasty cat treat on your finger, and giving to her as she gets closer and closer to you, eventually only when she sits with you? Its called the successive approximation technique in behavior modification. It works for literally all living things. You can even train a plant by having sun in a certain area, and the plant will grow toward it.
You have to give the cat a reason for coming to you. Food is ALWAYS a good reason.
I think that it is weird that you need to have the good cat do things you want them to do.
A. All I did was ask for advice. I don't think that warrants a criticism of the writer as being "weird."
B. I don't care what you "think," if you don't have something constructive to say.
C. If you have helpful or insightful criticism (which you obviously don't) then give a suggestion for a corrective attitude that suits your standards or what would (in your enlightened view) be the best way to address this. Even if it is - do nothing. She reaches out and grabs me every time she is near, and I give her total attention, in addition to the other interactions we have. We got her from a home with lots of little kids who may have just grabbed her and smothered her with too much hands-on.
D. I have had and lived with many cats over my entire life (over 65 years) so I am no stranger to cat behavior, by a long shot.
E. I'm just looking for a way that might address her apparent distress.
F. As for "what I want her [singular, so not "them"] to do" is simply to help her adapt and cope.
A. All I did was ask for advice. I don't think that warrants a criticism of the writer as being "weird."
B. I don't care what you "think," if you don't have something constructive to say.
C. If you have helpful or insightful criticism (which you obviously don't) then give a suggestion for a corrective attitude that suits your standards or what would (in your enlightened view) be the best way to address this. Even if it is - do nothing. She reaches out and grabs me every time she is near, and I give her total attention, in addition to the other interactions we have. We got her from a home with lots of little kids who may have just grabbed her and smothered her with too much hands-on.
D. I have had and lived with many cats over my entire life (over 65 years) so I am no stranger to cat behavior, by a long shot.
E. I'm just looking for a way that might address her apparent distress.
F. As for "what I want her [singular, so not "them"] to do" is simply to help her adapt and cope.
You have been given some good advice about how to help her adapt, and most of it has been along the lines of letting her seek and enjoy your affection on her terms.
I am sure she is missing her companion, as you are, but that doesn't mean that she needs to become a lap cat to "cope." That sounds like YOUR need. Trying to change her ways, to make her accept being held, is not offering comfort to the cat, it's demanding it for yourself. If you continue to pet her and give her attention in the ways she likes best, she may one day get in your lap, but will you love her less if she does not? Trying to force the issue will make you no better, in her eyes, than those grabby kids.
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I always think she is playing "King...(oops) Queen of the Mountain." 
