In the interest of providing some means of navigating through Charlotte's dark underbelly I have taken it upon myself to compose this handy dandy crime vulnerability index. Yes, I'm avoiding lawn work in this brutal heat.
Judging your "risk factor" is easier than ever. Tired of wondering your fate in Charlotte? Just grab a pencil and tally your score to determine whether you should be saving for body armor or porch rockers...*
1. Do you regularly engage in criminal/illegal activities? If yes 10 points.
2. Can you hear your neighbors scream at each other? If yes, add 2 points.
3. If you walked the immediate streets around your home picking up trash how many bags would you fill? No points for no trash. <1 bag is 1 point. 1-2 bags is 6 points. More than 2 bags is 10 points.
4. Do you park your vehicle behind a gated entry? If yes, subtract 4 points.
5. What percentage of your neighbors regularly manicure their lawn? 0-10% add 10 points. 10-50% add 5 points. 50-80% add 3 points. 80-99% add 2 points. 100% add no points. If you live in a condo or apartment, add a point anyway (population density penalty). If you live in a condo or apartment that doesn't mow add 20 points.
6. Do you live in Hidden Valley? If yes, add 50 points.
7. Do you have a dog over 75 lbs? If yes, subtract 5 points. If over 100 lbs subtract 7 points.
8. Are you within 100 yards of a spoke or hub street? If yes, add 4 points. Add 1 more if your house is visible from that street.
9. True or false: People hang out on my street all day. If true, add 4 points.
10. I consider my environment 'urban'. If yes, add 3 points.
11. I consider my environment 'suburban'. If yes subtract 1 point.
12. I consider my environment 'rural'. If yes, add 1 point.
13. I would buy this shirt:
if yes, add 1 point (your judgement is suspect).
14. Do you go out regularly? If yes, add 1 point.
15. Do you go to bars regularly? If yes, add 1 point.
16. Do you get drunk at bars regularly? If yes, add 2 more points.
17. Do you stay until last call, drunk? If yes, add 2 more points.
18. Do you work with large sums of cash? If yes, add 3 points.
19. Does your best friend have a name that includes an adjective? If so add 3 points.
20. Do you pack heat? If so, subtract 5 points. Unless you're also a felon. In which case you should add 20 points.
21. Rate your general awareness level:
a. If it was a snake it would have bit me; add 5 points.
b. I notice important things... like house fires and tornados; add 4 points.
c. I look out the window when I hear a car alarm; add 2 points.
d. I know who's around me at all times; subtract 2 points.
e. Those fools at CSI could learn something from me; subtract 5 points.
22. How long have you lived in an urban area?
a. Less than a year; add 3 points
b. Greater than 5 years; subtract 2 points
23. Do your neighbors have jobs or otherwise remain productive (e.g., SAHM, retiree, unemployed but still showering daily). If no, add 5 points points.
24. Do you like your neighbors? If no, add 2 points.
25. When you tell people where you live do they gasp a little? If so, add 3 points. If they tell you you are f****** nuts add 6 points.
26. Are you close to section 8 housing? If so, add 7 points.
27. Is your street named after a Disney character? If so, add 3 points.
28. Do your neighbors' cars drip oil on the street where they park? If yes add 2 points.
29. Do you keep your house tightly secured? If yes, subtract 6 points.
30. Do you have a monitored alarm? If yes subtract 5 points.
Tally 'em up.
>50 points:
Let's face it, you're living on borrowed time. If you have any earthly possessions still left you may want to go ahead and pack them up in your car and move.
40-50 points:
Let's just say a burglary is in your future. At a minimum. Your car was stolen last year or you don't have one... otherwise you'd move. You may benefit from protective armor.
30-40 points:
Congratulations! You're the Charlotte average! Expect to lose most of your lawn equipment annually.
20-30 points:
Buck up little camper... you may get mugged a time or two but you'll probably be alright! Take heart, most of the time vehicles are recovered unharmed after a carjacking.
10-20 points:
Healthy risk factor. Your risk factor at this level is just sharp enough to keep your senses keen. The odds of YOU being the victim of a violent crime at least are pretty low! For Charlotte.
0-10 points:
Bored. Out. Of. Your. Mind. Have fun with the rockers.
Negative points:
Whew! At this level, you can just put crime out of your mind and focus on more important things... like your next vacation to the Riviera (do you need a house-sitter?)
*for entertainment purposes only. no actual benefit derived from index values. opinions expressed are strictly my own and probably indicate a host of shortcomings on the part of the author.
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