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I'm still waiting....it's definitely not getting any easier. I'm going to reach 30 and despite having had relationships and opportunities where I could have had it, I'm still a virgin, technically speaking at least.
Alot of this for me is about turning 30 and still not having done this...because I HONESTLY thought that I would have at least met the right girl and probably been married by now, and thus obviously having a sex life. Yet that hasn't happened, hence the frustration and my breakdown over this issue. If I was told at 21, that I still would not be married by 30, I wonder what I would have done... But I was convinced that God would lead me to a spouse by this age and that I wouldn't have to worry. My father and brother both got married at 30, so many Christian friends got married before then and so on... I just feel extremely distraught that this hasn't happened for me, even though I've had relationships some long term, nothing has worked out. And you can see the logic here in a way - I'll remain a virgin because I know I'll be rewarded with a great, virgin wife. I know of course now that was very naive but you can follow the logic there. What's my reward been - NOTHING! Well actually infact it's been a series of setbacks if anything.
I did infact try a few times to do it with a girl I was with for quite some time but I failed because I went soft just before penetration, both times. Without getting details, I'll just say as a result of that and everything else I feel pathetic, pathetic at failing to have sex, I can't think of anything more pathetic than that.
So on one side I want to follow my Christian faith and wait until marriage, and on the other, I sometimes don't feel human for not having had intercourse and constantly missing out. My never-ending ambivalence about this is holding me back from both enjoying sex and growing in my faith.
Look at many outside the church of Christ in the world and many people had plenty of one night stands both male and female and hit 30 and never had a relationship ..... Just be like Jesus Christ who had plenty of relationships and none on record as hot , as they relationship Jesus had were collegial , and plenty of woman followed Him around......Lord Jesus may not bring you a spouse , but He will protect the one spouse that you have and keep you from Adultery ..... Best to get out and not isolate your self or you may turn 50 or more with no spouse , as the Knight in shining armor is a myth and many women end up alone .....
First of all, I'm sorry you're frustrated and struggling with this.
Sex without love and in the confines of marriage is cheap. I'm not sure how much you share your virginity with others, but it can be an awesome testimony. It should also bring you closer to Christ. Your motivation is to please God, I assume, so keep your focus on that. When you do get married and have sex for the first time, it will be a joyous celebration and you won't regret waiting. Sex is a gift from the Lord, but with a huge responsibility and within boundaries set by Him, our Creator.
Not to get off topic, but I would encourage you to only date a Christian woman. I have been married for 22 years and when we got married, neither of us were saved. Now I'm 12 years as a born-again believer and my husband is still not saved. I'm still blessed that he is a great husband and partner, but there is a huge spiritual aspect of our marriage that is missing. I still have hope he will be saved in God's time, but it's hard to wait for 12 years and see very little progress.
First of all, I'm sorry you're frustrated and struggling with this.
Sex without love and in the confines of marriage is cheap. I'm not sure how much you share your virginity with others, but it can be an awesome testimony. It should also bring you closer to Christ. Your motivation is to please God, I assume, so keep your focus on that. When you do get married and have sex for the first time, it will be a joyous celebration and you won't regret waiting. Sex is a gift from the Lord, but with a huge responsibility and within boundaries set by Him, our Creator.
Not to get off topic, but I would encourage you to only date a Christian woman. I have been married for 22 years and when we got married, neither of us were saved. Now I'm 12 years as a born-again believer and my husband is still not saved. I'm still blessed that he is a great husband and partner, but there is a huge spiritual aspect of our marriage that is missing. I still have hope he will be saved in God's time, but it's hard to wait for 12 years and see very little progress.
John, I did a whole thread on this very topic here ("The Disastrous State of Christian Marriages & Relationships") which is a few threads down, and in the relationships forum. A lot of people didn't exactly agree with what I had to say but I was basing it on tons of letters I had read from guys EXACTLY like yours. If you want to read more of them on just one website then goggle "Does God promise you a spouse" and you will pull up that exact same question in the very first result with about 1500 responses from guys and girls.
Basically, here's what I said: God does NOT promise you a spouse in this life. The oft-quoted "It is not good for man to be alone" which is used in defense of God planning a spouse for you is bogus. The failure rate for Christian marriages and relationships is nearly as high for Christians (+- a few percentage) as it is for non-Christians. Christian or non-Christian, most all girls before the age of 25 are after two things in a guy: good looks and an exciting personality. If you've got at least one of those you stand a chance with girls. If you don't have at least one (you're 0-5 on a scale of 1-10 in the looks dept.) and you're a "nice guy" albeit somewhat boring, then you don't stand a chance, maybe a 1 in 10,000 chance if you're fortunate. Sorry. Those are the hard facts. If you concentrate on more mature women 30-40 your odds are much better because they have been through the mill with bad boys and are now looking for someone more stable. If you're a virgin guy then you're the catch of the century for a nice Christian girl who's 30+ but she'll still probably want you to at least know how to excite her and to make her feel special. The big problem is that ugly/average-looking guys nearly always are going after the pretty girls; they tend to ignore the "plain Janes" or "ugly Janes" who are overweight, unattractive, etc. and, of course, the pretty girls are too busy letting themselves be conquered by the good-looking, exciting guys to notice ugly/average-looking nice guys like yourself. The bad boys then dump them after breaking their hearts, hence all the letters you'll read at that website from girls about how guys have broken their hearts repeatedly and can they ever trust guys again. That's where the business of "by 30-40 women are looking for someone more stable" comes in.
All this is not carved in stone. You may get lucky at some point, but I think your experience so far pretty much proves up everything I've said as being accurate and truthful. It's a hard road for "nice guys" and girls in here will give you all sorts of pep talks about, "Don't give up, John. There's a nice girl waiting for you out there somewhere". Maybe. Maybe not. I love a certain expression: "There IS someone that's right for you, but she's probably in Timbuktu" meaning that yeah, we all have a soulmate somewhere out there in that vast sea of bodies, but finding them is harder than looking for a needle lying somewhere in the Himalayas. Good luck.
Last edited by thrillobyte; 07-08-2013 at 05:11 PM..
pathetic at failing to have sex, I can't think of anything more pathetic than that.
I understand. Crippled people are also pathetic because they can't walk and deaf people are even more pathetic because they can't hear. Don't even get me started on blind people.
As for myself, I am also pathetic because I stutter at times.
If you have a physical problem, like not being able to walk or losing an erection when you try to have sex with a beautiful naked woman, then you need to seek help.
Like the Outlaw Josey Wales said, "Whining ain't much of a way of living."
Well, I came by the way to offer you encouragement, as our situations are kind of similar. I am a 23 year-old virgin and am proud of it! I find it a great testimony for guys my age, and hearing something like that is unheard of.
I guess I'm not all too concentrated to be thinking about having those kinds of actions with a woman. I'm sure it's something to be had but I just have other interests in mind that put cravings like that to the backburner (like wanting to know God more, drawing, surfing the web for interesting things, etc).
I guess my only hang-up with my situation is not knowing how it ever feels like to kiss a girl. I honestly wonder about that more than making love, as seeing I have never been a relationship. But still, I am content where I am, and you should have hope seeing as you WERE in relationships before. That means it can happen again.
And you finding a virgin woman at THAT age...I'm not saying it isn't possible, but if you're in America and you say that...I hope God will come through for you is all I can say .
We need to know more about you, how do women relate to you ( and vice-versa) to offer meaningful advise. Jesus tells us that the best form of obedience to him is chastity, so you are on the right track and if you are really bent on marrying, put it into prayer for God to give you your own wife. Your own wife will match you in many respects, especially your sex life. When you marry another person's wife, there is trouble. Hey, take it easy!
I have been married for 22 years and when we got married, neither of us were saved. Now I'm 12 years as a born-again believer and my husband is still not saved. I'm still blessed that he is a great husband and partner, but there is a huge spiritual aspect of our marriage that is missing. I still have hope he will be saved in God's time, but it's hard to wait for 12 years and see very little progress.
I really admire you for this (it seems like we don't share the exact same beliefs, but the basic idea of it seems to be similar). I am currently moving out of a relationship (something of a complexity since we still live together because of economic situations but are roommates and not active in any intimate sense neither physically or emotionally) I've had with someone for over ten years. We had become engaged (but are not now of course). A significant portion of it has to do with our spiritual beliefs. I just don't feel any sort of connection with him at all. I am grateful that we never did get married because I wonder if it would have been comparitively easy for me to break with that vow; nevertheless, I do feel some sort of commitment to this person for having shared a significant portion of my live with them and they with me. I feel guilty in a sense for leaving them, but I just can't rationalize trying to make something out of what seems to me a dead relationship.
I am basically just thinking aloud, trying to rationalize away my guilt which I feel won't ever completely go away. It seems to me that there is something deeper there with your relationship, yet I suppose I can understand in part that sense of how there is a huge aspect of it which is missing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConnNative
Sex without love and in the confines of marriage is cheap.
It sure is. I mean, it's still sex, but it just seems like there's just something missing about it; cheap seems like a good way to describe it. I've never been married though, so I'm only looking at it from one side of the picture.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hljc
the Knight in shining armor is a myth and many women end up alone .....
That very well may be what is in store for me and will just have to accept it as what God has intended for me. Basically what this person is saying:
Quote:
Originally Posted by thrillobyte
Basically, here's what I said: God does NOT promise you a spouse in this life. The oft-quoted "It is not good for man to be alone" which is used in defense of God planning a spouse for you is bogus.
And especially this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by thrillobyte
There's a nice [man] waiting for you out there somewhere". Maybe. Maybe not. I love a certain expression: "There IS someone that's right for you, but [he's] probably in Timbuktu" meaning that yeah, we all have a soulmate somewhere out there in that vast sea of bodies, but finding them is harder than looking for a needle lying somewhere in the Himalayas.
Personally, I feel like I've already encountered my "soulmate", especially given the hypothesis that souls are eternal.
Like others on here, to the OP I wish the best of luck and am sorry I cannot offer more yet I'm unfortunately in a similar situation. The way I try to get through it is that I think that this is the way that God wanted it for me and pray to Him that if He wants it another way that He will lead me to it; I want whatever He wants for me (which doubtlessly involves not just me since life as a whole does not revolve around me; it seems like it has to take into account others around me whose life I certainly affect) and not what I want for me since (according to the doctrine of belief which I've adopted) the purpose in my life is to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever (it may not be everyone's belief).
Quote:
Originally Posted by SkylightMike231
And you finding a virgin woman at THAT age...I'm not saying it isn't possible, but if you're in America and you say that...I hope God will come through for you is all I can say .
Personally, I do not see it this way. For me, this would be something that would perhaps come up way down along in the relationship when I've already come to the conclusion that the person is right for me; it's not a topic of conversation I would care to have when I am getting to know the person. But then I've always felt a sort of dissonance from this age and the society I live in. I suppose it might be a current regular occurance for a conversation at the beginning of a relationship to be along the lines of "So, do you sleep around?" I don't know (and I really don't mean to sound snobbish if it's coming across that way--I can see how it could be read that way, so I really do apologize for that, that's not what I am intending in the slightest), it's just not the way I am.
Last edited by Basiliximab; 07-09-2013 at 09:24 AM..
The way I try to get through it is that I think that this is the way that God wanted it for me and pray to Him that if He wants it another way that He will lead me to it; I want whatever He wants for me (which doubtlessly involves not just me since life as a whole does not revolve around me; it seems like it has to take into account others around me whose life I certainly affect) and not what I want for me since (according to the doctrine of belief which I've adopted) the purpose in my life is to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever (it may not be everyone's belief).
This is really the key (bolded). Put God first and foremost and He will give you the desires of your heart. Anything we place at a higher value than our obedience and relationship with Him becomes an idol. I'm not trying to sound judgmental because this is something we all struggle with. But you have to trust that God has a plan for you and your first purpose is to glorify Him.
I'm still waiting....it's definitely not getting any easier. I'm going to reach 30 and despite having had relationships and opportunities where I could have had it, I'm still a virgin, technically speaking at least.
Alot of this for me is about turning 30 and still not having done this...because I HONESTLY thought that I would have at least met the right girl and probably been married by now, and thus obviously having a sex life. Yet that hasn't happened, hence the frustration and my breakdown over this issue. If I was told at 21, that I still would not be married by 30, I wonder what I would have done... But I was convinced that God would lead me to a spouse by this age and that I wouldn't have to worry. My father and brother both got married at 30, so many Christian friends got married before then and so on... I just feel extremely distraught that this hasn't happened for me, even though I've had relationships some long term, nothing has worked out. And you can see the logic here in a way - I'll remain a virgin because I know I'll be rewarded with a great, virgin wife. I know of course now that was very naive but you can follow the logic there. What's my reward been - NOTHING! Well actually infact it's been a series of setbacks if anything.
I did infact try a few times to do it with a girl I was with for quite some time but I failed because I went soft just before penetration, both times. Without getting details, I'll just say as a result of that and everything else I feel pathetic, pathetic at failing to have sex, I can't think of anything more pathetic than that.
So on one side I want to follow my Christian faith and wait until marriage, and on the other, I sometimes don't feel human for not having had intercourse and constantly missing out. My never-ending ambivalence about this is holding me back from both enjoying sex and growing in my faith.
You are going to give us details regarding your failures at fornicating with some poor girl? Where is your shame?
You take on the name of Christian and you take on the name of Christ. People are watching. He will not hold those blameless who take His name in vain.
God does not promise us ANYTHING. If you are Saved, His Grace is sufficient. We don't get what we deserve - Damnation for our rebellion. If you are concerned with your marital status, you should check with your attitude. Godly woman are looking for godly men. Godly men are content, thankful, focusing on serving Christ and others in love. Godly woman are looking for a man suitable to be head of the household led by Christ not a man concerned about how to consume them with their lusts. There looking for a man that will be a provider and good father.
Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. In God's goodness, He MAY grant you a wife. Be content and thankful not greedy and covetous. Focus on your relationship with Him in Christ and ALL other relationships will improve - because He is GOD and His Laws coincide with the laws of nature. Even the unbelieving world unknowingly may comply with the laws of God and see success because He is the creator God and the foundation for ALL truth.
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