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Before you read this I want you to understand we rushed this. We really rushed this fast and that’s the number one reason I’m in this situation right now. I was young and dumb, still am somewhat now. I'm 26 shes 22.
A few years ago me and my wife got together, dated a few months and got engaged. During this engagement she got pregnant.
A few weeks into her pregnancy, she turned into a monster. Literally was telling me off all the time, told me she didn’t want me to be a part of our child’s life, etc yet I’ve given her NO reason for this. Her family didn’t even understand but it’s their daughter so they stuck with her. I let go and prayed, prayed, prayed for a long time. I just let it go. We didn’t talk for 4 months during that pregnancy. From mid May to mid October.
Fast forward to October, I had started seeing someone else. I was well prepared for what was coming as my child was due to be born in December. Paternity, child support, etc. The person I started dating was well aware of my circumstances and was supportive. Around that time, my wife (ex-gf) at the time started talking to me again. Once she found out I was seeing someone else, things changed. She wanted me back. In the back of my mind I kept thinking to myself what do I need to do. I could end this now and go back to her, get married, get insurance stuff figured out, get a place, all within 2 months.
We did just that. From start to finish we bought a house, got married, had a baby in just two months. We’ve been married 2 years now. It hasn’t been the most romantic or Christian marriage I would prefer, but we’ve managed to get this far. Lately we’ve been getting into it more than others. She comes from a broken family. All she has is her mom. She never met her dad because he’s a rapist… her mom was raped which is where she comes from. She never had to deal with a custody battle or see anyone with two parents like a normal child should. I think it took a toll on her mentally.
We’re having some serious issues now, divorce was always threatened by her. Always when she got angry. ALWAYS. It was her way of getting to me because she knows how I feel about it and I never once threatened it. We only recently started talking about it and I’ve been the one doing research.
She won’t hardly go to church with me. She swears a lot. She lies a lot to me about stuff she buys behind my back (for example, she would prepay gas and get cigarettes on one transaction… making it look like she only bought gas on the credit card) and I had to find out way down the road when I saw her smoking in a photo on facebook. She gets angry over silly things… who our daughter sees more, how cheap the roses were that I got her or that she never has any clothes whne she just went shopping 2 months ago. Always switching her cell phone out every other month filing false warranty or insurance claims. It’s all just rolled up and snowballed and I don’t know what to do…
More lately than ever I feel like a divorce is the only way out. We agreed a long time ago we would split our time with our child and make it fair. However now she doesn’t want to divorce ONLY because she says she couldn’t NOT come home to her every day like she does now. That is the ONLY thing she wants to stay for… she won’t support me in Church or anything I do. She has invalidated my trust for her. We never had a wedding or took vows, only got it legalized at a courthouse. She says she has no feelings for me and hadn't had feelings for me since before she got pregnant. She only got with me because of our daughter.
What are my options here? Am I going to hell if I divorce her over this and remarry WAY down the road after learning my lesson?
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Look I know this sound stupid or looks ridiculous. Looking back I would change everything if I could and do it right but at the same time, I wouldn't have my little girl.
I just want to make or do this right. I want to live in peace.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 12-07-2013 at 02:50 PM..
Thanks for your story. I'm truly sorry to hear about your problems and situation, and you already seem to realize that you have pretty much brought them on yourself. Perhaps your example will help others see how folks with good intentions, can get "unequally yoked."
Further, while you seem to feel that she is to 'blame,' that really doesn't matter, plus, there is always more than one side to every relationship story.
Nevertheless, you are now 'yoked' by both marriage AND your child. It's encouraging that you are examining your parental and marital responsibility AS A CHRISTIAN ... rather than simply by what a 'lost and dying world' does or advises. You need to keep that at the fore-front of your mind as you move forward. Unfortunately, you unwillingness to include God in your past decisions, now makes your current decisions and actions that much more difficult. You may also need to act independently of what your wife says or does, at least for a while.
You also mentioned that you 'prayed and prayed' earlier. However, your actions suggested that you may have been doing more talking than listening. That's often the problem with "talking to God", but, not really seeking His counsel or answers! You will now need to 'pray' and 'listen' for REAL. Divorce may seem like the only or easiest solution, but, is that really best for your daughter; for you ... and is really consistent with what a Christian should do? --- Allow me to suggest that for now, you take the divorce option COMPLETELY off the table for at least the next YEAR ... and work instead on trying to fix yourself and your relationship with your WIFE.
You need to get to know God and read the Bible a little bit more if you seriously think that he would send you to Hell for getting a divorce. Our father is not a legalist and he doesn't send people anywhere! He loves unconditionally. People on their DEATH BED get saved and go to Heaven merely by uttering the name of Jesus. Read your Bible. You CHOOSE who you belong to and that's who comes for you at death. No one is sent anywhere. If you are a child of God, you have nothing to fear.
Divorce is apart of life. God knows this. He has more important things to worry about like humanity aborting his children rather than you getting a divorce. You need to do whatever it is you feel is appropriate for yourself. It was not a mistake for you to marry young. It was a mistake to marry her. She is a deceitful, miserable, and conniving young woman and unfortunately I see alot of these heifers playing the bait and switch with guys all the time. My dad got with one that is just like her. Played him like a fool by playing up the charm and sweetness just long enough to get pregnant and lay an anchor on him so she could have an additional source of income. It's a total mess. It's one thing to have a relationship with a psycho. It's another thing to have a baby with her.
Your mistake was thinking with your privates instead of your brain. You should have been protecting yourself by wearing a contraceptive and giving the relationship more time by seeing how she is. And another mistake you made is tolerating the nonsense she was doing. She only treats you and talks to you like she does because you allow it. My advice for you is to drop the witch and seek your happiness. You only get one life. Stop wasting it staying in an unhappy relationship and marriage. Go find someone that will make you happy. Just remember to stay in your child's life and play an active role. They still need you.
Son... you've screwed up. This is your situation, so man up, and own it. You now MUST be everything your asked to be. Make no demands, require nothing in return for your financial support. Be an honorable man, always do the right thing, stand tall when your "wives" have expectations of you. Go beyond reasonable, be sacrificial in all that you do, in all that you say, and all you pray for.
Most of all be a good Dad, and promise in prayer. Be accountable to your Pastor and tell him your situation. Submit to those who give wise Godly council.
Son... you've screwed up. This is your situation, so man up, and own it. You now MUST be everything your asked to be. Make no demands, require nothing in return for your financial support. Be an honorable man, always do the right thing, stand tall when your "wives" have expectations of you. Go beyond reasonable, be sacrificial in all that you do, in all that you say, and all you pray for.
So your solution is to basically bow down to this bipolar chick? I don't think so. What OP needs to do is put that woman in her place and then divorce her. I would go a step further and get legal custody of the child as well. I hate women like his wife. Stupid bobbleheads that act so nice and sweet in the beginning and then turn into a monster once the ring goes on the finger. Hope she ends up lonely and miserable like the person she is.
So your solution is to basically bow down to this bipolar chick? I don't think so. What OP needs to do is put that woman in her place and then divorce her. I would go a step further and get legal custody of the child as well. I hate women like his wife. Stupid bobbleheads that act so nice and sweet in the beginning and then turn into a monster once the ring goes on the finger. Hope she ends up lonely and miserable like the person she is.
I would suggest you go find a good Bible-teaching pastor that will sit down with you and talk. Or one that can refer you to a good Christian counselor. Message boards are not real life, and anything you get here will not likely be as valuable as a real life pastor or counselor working with you.
It has been stated there were pretenses from the beginning of the relationship that are being revealed even to this day. This woman has apparently taken advantage of you and reeled you in. She is in a one-down relationship with you, as she has few resources and wherewithal to care for herself, otherwise she would have left you already. You can try in faith to see what happens a year down the road, to commit and validate her commitment to you, but be wise and have a back-up plan ready for bowing out.
Don't discount what AllenK has stated and provide for yourself. The revelations you have from your wife are indications of a lack of intimacy that proceeds like a marching band. This child will likely be used as a pawn, and the commentary indicating the same is rearing its ugly head already. Guys can and do make good single parents. A good pastoral counselor familiar with psychopathology and family dynamics can see through this dicey behavior and sort out what can change or not in a few sessions.
You can be put over a barrel relative to visitation and support for the next 18 years, and suffer with her whims into the future. I think G-d had called us to peace, but sometimes we need to be well-defended to secure peace for ourselves. While it is true there is mood lability, there is much more including smoking (around your daughter?), deceit, questionable warranty practices, and what sounds like working outside a budget (clothing expenditures). Are you benefited with her in your life, as is typically created in a relationship? Does she secure a benefit with you through the relationship?
If this gets better, wonderful, you have helped save a soul from perdition; if this doesn't get better, you will be at her mercy relative to future demands to make things right for the kid, and however she may interpret that to be. This isn't misogyny, to stave accusations, but it is fair advice for spiritual support and reaction against being taken. She can easily go the divorce route too, and it would only be a matter of money and contacts. She's not into you, it shows and you likely cannot win that back. Don't be ignorant but be well prepared.
If you have children, don't let bad relations with the other parent hindered the quality of life for them, and try to keep any future arguements behind closed doors away from them, because as I grew up I often got depressed when my parents fought.
If you have children try to be there for them.
Giving them objects isn't enough spend time with them.
I hope you have a good life.
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