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I have posted about this different times but never in this forum, and I feel like I need to look at things from all angles. A Christian perspective would be nice.
My mom is a bit difficult. Or rather, let me say she's in a difficult situation (although she is actually also difficult). She's 59 and got laid off 5 years ago. Only a H.S. diploma in a small town and she worked in a little plant and made $10/hour. It was just enough to cover her expenses (she had a $30k mortgage) but she's never been able to save anything. Her dad passed away a few years ago and left her $25k so she stretched that out over the course of 2 years or so. But she hasn't had hot water in like a decade. She's had the lights cut off several times.
At 38, I've just started to save for retirement actually. This year I've given her about $3k to help with bills. But she just won't look for a job. She's a mild hoarder so the house gets like 5% worse every year. $3k might not be much to many, but I emptied out my car down payment fund this year actually as she was about to get lights cut off and had been driving without insurance for 6 months and her car went out. I don't even own a car.
Some say I should just bite the bullet and start sending her a certain amount of money every month. I wouldn't do that because the money could be mishandled. Not on things like gambling or drugs but silly things like wayyyyy too many laundrymat visits, tipping the Chic-Fil-A cashier, mailing me little 'decorations' for my apartment, etc. When she doesn't even have a job or income. I'd rather just call the bill companies and pay them. Actually, I don't want to pay anything at all because she's still healthy and could work doing 'some'thing....anything. $300-$400/month is a lot of money compounded over 5, 10, years and could be part of a bigger fund to help her when she's older and 'really' truly needs help.
I am beyond frustrated but I don't want to not help her. She has some paranoia and personality issues so I'm the only one left in the family she talks to-she doesn't talk to others and they've given up on trying to reach her.
Wow, what a rant. I don't know where I'm going with this now. I guess I'm trying to figure out...should I stop sending her money entirely? I'm not quite paying the bills regularly but rather I tend to wait until she comes to me and mentions things are dire (lights about to get cut off, brakes go out)...then I step in and offer/pay for those things and get other stuff caught up. It just seems she's not worried about not being able to pay them and I'm starting to think it's because she believes I'll always bail her out. I wish she had at least enough motivation to want to help herself a little. I want to help as I love her but I don't want to enable. And I don't want to look up one day and regret I finally got to a better place with my income but was giving away too much of it to her when she could have been working for herself.
At the same time I want her to have car insurance so she doesn't get a huge ticket or taken to jail (huge expense) and I want her to have a working phone so she can answer if someone calls her for an interview.
She says to me that "God blesses you to be a blessing to me..." I get really upset when I hear that because I think she believes I've been blessed with a good job/decent income to help pay her bills so she doesn't have to.
I have posted about this different times but never in this forum, and I feel like I need to look at things from all angles. A Christian perspective would be nice.
My mom is a bit difficult. Or rather, let me say she's in a difficult situation (although she is actually also difficult). She's 59 and got laid off 5 years ago. Only a H.S. diploma in a small town and she worked in a little plant and made $10/hour. It was just enough to cover her expenses (she had a $30k mortgage) but she's never been able to save anything. Her dad passed away a few years ago and left her $25k so she stretched that out over the course of 2 years or so. But she hasn't had hot water in like a decade. She's had the lights cut off several times.
At 38, I've just started to save for retirement actually. This year I've given her about $3k to help with bills. But she just won't look for a job. She's a mild hoarder so the house gets like 5% worse every year. $3k might not be much to many, but I emptied out my car down payment fund this year actually as she was about to get lights cut off and had been driving without insurance for 6 months and her car went out. I don't even own a car.
Some say I should just bite the bullet and start sending her a certain amount of money every month. I wouldn't do that because the money could be mishandled. Not on things like gambling or drugs but silly things like wayyyyy too many laundrymat visits, tipping the Chic-Fil-A cashier, mailing me little 'decorations' for my apartment, etc. When she doesn't even have a job or income. I'd rather just call the bill companies and pay them. Actually, I don't want to pay anything at all because she's still healthy and could work doing 'some'thing....anything. $300-$400/month is a lot of money compounded over 5, 10, years and could be part of a bigger fund to help her when she's older and 'really' truly needs help.
I am beyond frustrated but I don't want to not help her. She has some paranoia and personality issues so I'm the only one left in the family she talks to-she doesn't talk to others and they've given up on trying to reach her.
Wow, what a rant. I don't know where I'm going with this now. I guess I'm trying to figure out...should I stop sending her money entirely? I'm not quite paying the bills regularly but rather I tend to wait until she comes to me and mentions things are dire (lights about to get cut off, brakes go out)...then I step in and offer/pay for those things and get other stuff caught up. It just seems she's not worried about not being able to pay them and I'm starting to think it's because she believes I'll always bail her out. I wish she had at least enough motivation to want to help herself a little. I want to help as I love her but I don't want to enable. And I don't want to look up one day and regret I finally got to a better place with my income but was giving away too much of it to her when she could have been working for herself.
At the same time I want her to have car insurance so she doesn't get a huge ticket or taken to jail (huge expense) and I want her to have a working phone so she can answer if someone calls her for an interview.
She says to me that "God blesses you to be a blessing to me..." I get really upset when I hear that because I think she believes I've been blessed with a good job/decent income to help pay her bills so she doesn't have to.
Sounds like you're mother and you have a close relationship.
Except for the fact you just disrespected her publically you seen to care about her needs.
This is a good start.
A Son doesn't wait for a mother to ask. He acts.
Till the day comes the Good Lord brings her home.
My two cents....Mom sounds like she has never grown up, is in denial, and denial comes from a lot of pain, and probably fear is a factor in her circumstances. Not knowing what her life has entailed, I would still say to try to get her to go to some form of a counselor that might be able to help her see what is the root (s) of the problem. Without that and without the healing that only comes from knowing the Lord, she is incapable of change.
Let's say she refuses. What you need to work on first is you in the other half of this dynamic. It's easy to see this is building up bitterness and resentment in you, and while that's understandable in the circumstance you're in, it's like an acid. It will destroy the container equally as well as what it's poured on.
The only way I've found to cut those things off at the pass before they can send out roots is to do everything as unto the Lord. If you're a believer and you know Him, is there ANYTHING that you wouldn't do for Him if He was standing there right in front of you? Of course not. Then give to her and do it in your heart, as unto the Lord. Tell Him this is a sacrifice unto Him. It then becomes about you and Him and no one else, in your heart.
This frees Him to deal with the things in her flesh, and not have to deal with the things in yours as well, and you will see an answer develop to the problem a lot sooner, because the "you" part of the equation is already under submission, so that only leaves her, and as you pray for her in this frame of worship from the heart, His hand will move. Pray for one another that you (the two of you) might be made whole (one).
We are lively/living polishing stones for one another and He knows exactly what kind of person to have in each of our lives to rub off the rough edges to create a smooth gemstone capable of taking in and reflecting the light of His glory. Tell Mom that you love her and want to help her, but that the Lord also wants to bless her individually and she is tying up His hands so He can't.
The oil (blessing) is supposed to run from the head to the feet and not the other way around, and she is your covering still in that sense, as you are the "child" and she is the adult. Tell her He will not continue to bless anything that is out of His divine order, indefinitely and that she must take steps to regain her identity as an independent parent until such a time that she is literally no longer able to be independent.
We all ultimately switch roles to varying degrees as the parent ages and the child becomes the caregiver and partial provider, and that is just a fact of life. But tell her that through her fear or whatever reason, she is jumping the gun and disrupting the natural pattern of your lives and for blessings to continue in proper order, this must stop.
I would pray (always) about it and if I didn't hear anything definite, I would give her a set amount of time to do all of the above, after which I would begin to withdraw support if she insists on having her own way. There are plenty of agencies that will help with the things you have described, that can help her financially as well as with job placement opportunities, so you are not leaving her literally high and dry with no hope. They too will eventually require effort on her part, and a non-relative garners a lot more respect and a lack of resentment, when an official is the one doing the "pushing".
Contact social services where she lives, they usually have lists of people, places and organizations to help people in her circumstances. Provide her with the resources she needs and continue to be loving and supportive, keeping in mind that her age as well as her lack of formal education is a handicap in this youth obsessed society we live in, so jobs for her may not grow on trees, but she can get help to eventually land on her feet, with the Lord's blessings in tow. Blessings to you both and peace...
do you live in such a way where she could live with you or you with her ? .. Boil the problems down from two fronts to one?
Given the options you asked about , so far just pay the bills directly and do not hand her the money . Dont pay bills you can't afford ,
i like this idea. She is probably feeling overwhelmed and would best appreciate just finding a part time job for spending money..
And the son would just have to pay for a one bedroom bigger apartment/house .
And tell her she has to buy her own food... And don't give her any other money.
Just make sure she has a roof and knows where there is a senior center/bus pass etc.. For regular meals..if she wants more she can go to work for the little thngs she wants.
Ps give her a the big bedroom so she can have her own space and living area/ microwave and counter/kitchenette .. In her bedroom and make her use it , especially when she gets to be to much a mother...
i know that family and personal problems can be complicated, im sorry to hear this poster is going thru this, OP if you would like to contact me feel free to PM, if i can be no other help... i'll listen to you vent ok?
I have posted about this different times but never in this forum, and I feel like I need to look at things from all angles. A Christian perspective would be nice.
My mom is a bit difficult. Or rather, let me say she's in a difficult situation (although she is actually also difficult). She's 59 and got laid off 5 years ago. Only a H.S. diploma in a small town and she worked in a little plant and made $10/hour. It was just enough to cover her expenses (she had a $30k mortgage) but she's never been able to save anything. Her dad passed away a few years ago and left her $25k so she stretched that out over the course of 2 years or so. But she hasn't had hot water in like a decade. She's had the lights cut off several times.
At 38, I've just started to save for retirement actually. This year I've given her about $3k to help with bills. But she just won't look for a job. She's a mild hoarder so the house gets like 5% worse every year. $3k might not be much to many, but I emptied out my car down payment fund this year actually as she was about to get lights cut off and had been driving without insurance for 6 months and her car went out. I don't even own a car.
Some say I should just bite the bullet and start sending her a certain amount of money every month. I wouldn't do that because the money could be mishandled. Not on things like gambling or drugs but silly things like wayyyyy too many laundrymat visits, tipping the Chic-Fil-A cashier, mailing me little 'decorations' for my apartment, etc. When she doesn't even have a job or income. I'd rather just call the bill companies and pay them. Actually, I don't want to pay anything at all because she's still healthy and could work doing 'some'thing....anything. $300-$400/month is a lot of money compounded over 5, 10, years and could be part of a bigger fund to help her when she's older and 'really' truly needs help.
I am beyond frustrated but I don't want to not help her. She has some paranoia and personality issues so I'm the only one left in the family she talks to-she doesn't talk to others and they've given up on trying to reach her.
Wow, what a rant. I don't know where I'm going with this now. I guess I'm trying to figure out...should I stop sending her money entirely? I'm not quite paying the bills regularly but rather I tend to wait until she comes to me and mentions things are dire (lights about to get cut off, brakes go out)...then I step in and offer/pay for those things and get other stuff caught up. It just seems she's not worried about not being able to pay them and I'm starting to think it's because she believes I'll always bail her out. I wish she had at least enough motivation to want to help herself a little. I want to help as I love her but I don't want to enable. And I don't want to look up one day and regret I finally got to a better place with my income but was giving away too much of it to her when she could have been working for herself.
At the same time I want her to have car insurance so she doesn't get a huge ticket or taken to jail (huge expense) and I want her to have a working phone so she can answer if someone calls her for an interview.
She says to me that "God blesses you to be a blessing to me..." I get really upset when I hear that because I think she believes I've been blessed with a good job/decent income to help pay her bills so she doesn't have to.
After all of what you've said, what kind of a person are you? You are upset?
You said you found her living in a hard place, but it is still too hard for you?
The truth of it is that I would never wait on you for anything if I knew you.
You are not even honest enough to have a real conversation with her for it.
Stop sending $$ entirely? To your mother?
Um...no. Keep helping her.
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Peace
