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I can't speak for other Christians, and am not surprised that many of their marriages end in divorce.
As for me, I firmly believe it is God's will that marriage succeeds. And that it can be a vehicle towards a more meaningful relationship with God and others.
It's been my experience that anyone can talk the talk. But the rubber hits the road in our relationships with others. Marriage being the preeminent one.
I don't disagree, but the fly in the ointment is that marriage is a joint effort and beyond a certain point if one person is not committed to the concept, it doesn't matter a great deal whether the other one is or not.
My first marriage ended in divorce for multiple reasons, the most fundamental one being the safety of my children, and of me, in the face of someone with severe mental illness and no ability to uphold their end of the relationship or even admit to the reality of their situation and obtain help. Ending that relationship practically killed me because at the time I was fully of the belief that God's will was that the marriage would succeed. But it could not unless he was willing to work a miracle. What I got instead was someone standing over me while I slept, holding a butcher knife.
Not every real world situation lends itself to the realization of one's ideals.
Since my early 30's, I wanted to be married. Married right the first time in my 30's and it's mostly my fault we got divorced. I'll never get over that. 10 years after that divorce, remarried because I was lonely, and it has been a disaster. I filed for divorce a year ago and can't get her to leave. I won't get married again and I don't want to grow old alone. I am a Christian but I'm seriously considering if I ever meet another woman to be in a relationship with, living together is all I'll do. I can't go through the trauma again after 2 divorces. No way.
Since my early 30's, I wanted to be married. Married right the first time in my 30's and it's mostly my fault we got divorced. I'll never get over that. 10 years after that divorce, remarried because I was lonely, and it has been a disaster. I filed for divorce a year ago and can't get her to leave. I won't get married again and I don't want to grow old alone. I am a Christian but I'm seriously considering if I ever meet another woman to be in a relationship with, living together is all I'll do. I can't go through the trauma again after 2 divorces. No way.
I don't think the trauma of a failed intimate relationship is any different without the marriage license. In some ways it can be worse because at least a marriage license more clearly defines who has what rights and obligations both in the relationship and in its dissolution. Without a marriage you have to fight over interpretations of common law marriage, etc.
I don't know that growing old alone is necessarily the terrible thing we make it out to be. Think of it as "growing old in peace".
My personal reasons for not getting married are related to several factors and I will say that I am content to be single at my young elderly age. After much prayer and questioning I believe that the single life is what God intends for me. One reason I decided to remain single is that I witnessed very few successful or healthy marriages growing up. This was reflected in my parents' marriage and the marriages of most of my close relatives. So that had an affect on me especially since I was very sheltered by my mother who often emphasized studies and school as opposed to developing healthy relationships that involved members of the opposite sex.
Another reason, I decided to remain single, is that I grew up as a loner and did not interact with many individuals. Part of that was related to a dysfunctional family situation. As a result I did not develop relationships that were close and even when I dated, I was not able to trust and be open, as far as sharing with members of the opposite sex.
I would say that another reason that I remained single is that I did not love myself growing up. I had to learn how to love myself before I could love anyone else, and this has been a lifelong journey as I have learned more and more about the agape love of God. So the journey has been a long healing process and it continues to be a healing process. People who are married can certainly experience this within the marriage, but I believe that I would have been lost as a person within a marriage without a healthy sense of self love and understanding of who I was.
A final reason that I remain single is because for me personally, being married would cause me to be divided in my focus, I feel as if I could not be fully committed to living for God in the way that I want to be, because my focus would be divided in trying to be a partner within a marriage. A reference would be 1 Cor. 7:34.
I agree with .sparrow in all that marriage can show and teach us about love, but personally for me, I don't feel that it is for me. And I am age 66
i also enjoy being alone and having lots of my own space. I am hardly ever lonely with varied interests and hobbies that have taken over my living space hehe!
God bless.
Personally I found your post incredible I must say. I will explain why later. When I first replied I only read the first post and it was late. I later read the whole post. I wish now I would have read the thread before I posted. I thought it was at first to share personal experiences.
You mentioned you have struggled to find peace with yourself by saying you didn't love yourself growing up. I have had lifelong issues around my weight, it is much more than that but I don't want to write about it and I also have autism and have medical conditions. I have had to edit this post a ton, I had to delete it and return, it can take a while to put my thoughts together. I don't usually write on forums.
I am black also and I'm mentioning that as I have seen that mentioned in this post, in the context of this thread I agree it doesn't matter. I myself have had very little black peoples input in my life where I have lived and it is like I have grown up in a white culture. I tried to find out more about my roots online when I got a computer. I am 51 as I mentioned. In my family it is like it is expected to have children and to be the highest achiever. That wasn't me, even with what has happened to me. For most people this is a hard topic as I wanted children at one point and wanted to be married at one point as well and have wondered to God at times why it didn't happen to me. This is pronounced to me at this point in my life, seeing the effects of my conditions. When I attend family get togethers it can sting but of course I am very happy for those blessings for people, you can see it a lot on Facebook as well people settled down. I don’t want those things now. I am ok if left alone and am very quiet as well. I have never actually had an adult boyfriend due to illness. I have been going over my life though and seen how it has been impacted by illness over decades guided by earlier written work by me. I said to myself earlier I have not wanted to be held hostage to my past.
Life though unfortunetly can make some people feel they didn't measure up to life expectations, when really there are none rationally and we all have our talents. God created all of us, even those most greatly impaired who cannot speak they have purpose and God I think can communicate with them and use them for his glory.
What I found great about your post is that you seem to have found your place at 66 and it is so great at your point in life. I have interests which have harder to through illness. Also, I have wondered did you learn how to like yourself? If you have something written and don't want to share it here could you PM how you did it. I feel that God has given you great faith.
My journey with my faith really starts at 17, although I was baptised earlier and had a faith as well.
On another note, I went to church on Wednesday and another speaker was there and she talked about how the church can reach other groups. I said thinking about my family. All my siblings have children. Some are married and some are not. My brother wanted to get married much before COVID and it hasn't happened and another is too early in their relationship to say. I said that people like that may feel that have no place coming to church and they have said they are Christians. The response was that they tried to encourage marriage but said it depends on the minister and also that they have done baptisms and weddings for some people in this situation. I feel for people who may want to attend but feel they might be judged so may not attend. I think that Jesus can walk along with people wherever they are in their journey in life.
I have read a bit about the Saints and nuns. I went to Catholic schools growing up to 19, it seems quite paradoxical that if the leader is married that the expectation is to be single for the members.
Paul wrote at a time in the early Church, things have changed in the world, I love what he wrote about how women will tend to come closer to God if single. I myself hold those values as well for myself. Me and my wondering head. How can it be that the members of the church should then be single when the example above is saying something different, can you see what I mean. Everyone has to do what think is right by them. Our destiny’s are unknown to us, to southkakkatlantan I hope things out the best for you.
I don't disagree, but the fly in the ointment is that marriage is a joint effort and beyond a certain point if one person is not committed to the concept, it doesn't matter a great deal whether the other one is or not.
My first marriage ended in divorce for multiple reasons, the most fundamental one being the safety of my children, and of me, in the face of someone with severe mental illness and no ability to uphold their end of the relationship or even admit to the reality of their situation and obtain help. Ending that relationship practically killed me because at the time I was fully of the belief that God's will was that the marriage would succeed. But it could not unless he was willing to work a miracle. What I got instead was someone standing over me while I slept, holding a butcher knife.
Not every real world situation lends itself to the realization of one's ideals.
I'm truly sorry for what must have been an extremely difficult time for you and your kids. I know some folks who have struggled with mental illness in their families. There are no easy solutions.
C.S Lewis described divorce as radical surgery. Like cutting off an appendage.
8. The Idealization of Marriage
83:8.1 (929.4) Marriage which culminates in the home is indeed man’s most exalted institution, but it is essentially human; it should never have been called a sacrament. The Sethite priests made marriage a religious ritual; but for thousands of years after Eden, mating continued as a purely social and civil institution. https://www.urantia.org/urantia-book...ge-institution
84:0.1 (931.1) MATERIAL necessity founded marriage, sex hunger embellished it, religion sanctioned and exalted it, the state demanded and regulated it, while in later times evolving love is beginning to justify and glorify marriage as the ancestor and creator of civilization’s most useful and sublime institution, the home. And home building should be the center and essence of all educational effort.
I am 45, have never married and have been thinking a lot about this question lately.
In my small close circle of other female friends I don't think I have any examples of what I would call a Christian marriage. Neither of my parents married. Lately I have been wondering if I have been called to be single; I feel that I have, but I can't actually even explain why I feel that way - it's just that I've been single for so long that I figured 'this must be the way God wants it'. Recently I have questioned this a bit.
I have a Christian friend or 2 that want to remarry and when I ask them why they state because they don't want to be alone. Lately however I've been wondering is that a good sole reason to marry? And I've been wondering more about the purpose behind this type of covenant.
So. With that said, how does one know if they are called to be single? How did you know?
Can you offer some passages I may meditate on to gain more insights regarding God's purpose for marriage?
Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him, and he will give you the desires of YOUR heart. The answer is in your desire.
C.S Lewis described divorce as radical surgery. Like cutting off an appendage.
Clive Staples Lewis said some truly ridiculous things at times, but he was a good writer and this is one turn of phrase I'd agree is apt, at least from the perspective of someone who truly loves and is committed to the other, and whose hand is forced.
Fortunately for me, although 100% of the dogma I grew up with was anti-divorce / preserve all marriages at all costs, my situation was extreme enough that my decision had the full support of enough of church leadership, that I did not have the additional burden of dealing with the peanut gallery. In particular, a well-respected missionary friend supported and defended my decision, and his son, a lawyer, assisted me in practical ways. I am grateful to this day for their graciousness and genuine caring. It is literally the only time I ever experienced that sort of supportive understanding in that environment -- fortunately at the exact moment I most needed it.
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After much prayer and questioning I believe that the single life is what God intends for me. One reason I decided to remain single is that I witnessed very few successful or healthy marriages growing up. This was reflected in my parents' marriage and the marriages of most of my close relatives. So that had an affect on me especially since I was very sheltered by my mother who often emphasized studies and school as opposed to developing healthy relationships that involved members of the opposite sex. 