Church folks attitude (minority, suicide, divorce, atheist)
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My wife and I have been blessed to get to know a very warm and loving married couple.
They became our very best friends.
Then one day, totaly out of the blue, while my wife and his wife were in the house doing something, my friend just blurts out that he had moved out of their house.
I was not ready to hear that!
I had no clue...
because the gurls joined us, I said nothing and that night on the drive home I told my wife....She also had no clue .
a week later we drive over and again have a great time, except there is a lot of looks going on between the husband and his wife...
My wife and I just dont know what to say, clearly our friends were dealing with something but Im not a trained marriage councilor so i dont want to say the wrong thing.
We did not see them for about a month, then we go to a ball game for our church and run into our friends there.
Except there has been some real trouble now, both the husband and te wife show signs that they had been in a fight.
(I cant be sure that my friends might not read this account, so Im not going to tell you what we saw or what trouble was going on, lets just say it was clearly serious at this point)
about 2 weeks later I saw my friend at his job and he told me that they were getting a divorce.
This hit me like a ton of bricks.
I suggested they both go talk to the church leadership, but he told me that it was well past that stage.
My wife and I called over to their old house once in a while in attempts to get some info but there was a answering machine and so we never again made contact with them.
We drove over to their house (it's a 2 hour drive from our house) but when we got there the house was cleaned out and the yard needed mowing.
What ever became of them?....I dont know.
I have tried FACEBOOK....I have tried the Phone book, and a computer search, but due to theirs being a common name, there are far too many people listed...and at this point Im not even sure they both are in this country anymore.
Now at the time of their divorce there is a chance that they both might feel we were MIA when they needed us.
If so, them Im sorry, but you have to understand, the thought of friends getting divorce is something that rips of friendships,,,even if we dont want it to.
It would be hard for me to try to have the husband over with no wife for my wife to talk to.
It would be hard to try to be friends with one without feel you were disrespecting the other not there...
It is hard thing to ask for people that just know you as a friend to suddenly have the idea that My wife and I wold be "amateur marriage councilors"
Even if we would not be, the fear that we might be placed into that position is very real...
Thus, the truth of the matter is, that the friends of a couple getting a divorce are caught in the middle, and tend to drift away...
Hey man! As I stated, I'd get together with these men for counsel and uplifting. We'd pray for each other and share our sometimes intimate marriage experiences for the sole purpose of edifying one another. This to me appeared like a bond which crossed into brotherhood, trust and a GENUINE concern for one another. By that I mean that (based on my particular upbringing) we had developed a deep relationship towards one another which could not be "easily" broken; so I thought. This is where my background most definitely collided with the reality of "churchianity."
See, my NYC upbringing included a certain measure of faithfulness, loyalty, and trust towards one's close friends. This concept is vaguely understood in the west coast. It's almost as if it were something only to be seen in movies.
Sorry, but that's how I was raised! Those whom you considered close friends were your brothers, and you did not turn your back on them regardless of what they did with their lives. Be they married, divorced, church-goers, heathens, felons, pot smokers, etc., it was unacceptable to turn your back on them. Yet, here you are telling me that because you were merely "caught in the middle" you were willing to turn your back on a so-called "brother-in-Christ???" OH MY!!!
Thank God I understood LOYALTY before I ever picked up the Bible!!!
Thank you so much for confirming my doubts!!!
As they say out here in California..."way ta' go dude!!!"
This may seem elementary to some, but I try to keep it simple. Daily bible study and prayer keeps me closer to God than my bi-weekly church attendance does. I try to remember that my one-on-one relationship with God will be more rewarding and fullfilling if I spend time with God everyday. Praise and worship time are important, but a person does not have to go to church to praise God, a person can praise God anywhere. I especially love that bible verse that says, "where two or three are gathered, I will be in their midst." I will praise and worship God with or without a church. I hope this post encourages others to do the same.
Yet, here you are telling me that because you were merely "caught in the middle"
Yes,,,very much so caught in the middle.
Loyalty to the husband feels like you are being disrespectful to his wife.
Calling the husband to see what he is doing this weekend, means that you have to doge and lie to the wife should she call....
One of the pains of getting a divorce is that the married couple getting a divorce will more or less split up their friends too along with the furniture.
I cant speak for everyone in this situation, and to tell the truth this was the first time I had known anyone in a personal way that got a divorce, but the truth is, that when a couple that knows a couple gets a divorce, they are getting a divorce from many parts of their old life.
Married friends tend to seek out other married friends.
may not be nice to think about, but the truth is that way.
I remember clearly at the time that I felt that if I were to maintain close ties with my buddy, that I was making a statement against the wife.
I know that even the small attempts to stay in touch with them after they announced they were splitting caused the guy's wife to stop all connections to my wife.
Im sorry for the way it ended up, but thinking back on it even now years later i still dont think I could have ever found a different path to walk with them.
so once again, the thing that is the main problem in this messy situation is that very real feeling that to remain close to one means you will be seen as making a statement against the other.
I hope those getting a divorce will not overlook this effect it will have on their fiends,,,if they dont get it, then they will always feel abandoned.
so to keep from hurting or offending, you fade away....
perhaps not nice to hear, but thats they way it goes....
Last edited by alanMolstad; 10-17-2009 at 07:25 PM..
Hey man! As I stated, I'd get together with these men for counsel and uplifting. We'd pray for each other and share our sometimes intimate marriage experiences for the sole purpose of edifying one another. This to me appeared like a bond which crossed into brotherhood, trust and a GENUINE concern for one another. By that I mean that (based on my particular upbringing) we had developed a deep relationship towards one another which could not be "easily" broken; so I thought. This is where my background most definitely collided with the reality of "churchianity."
See, my NYC upbringing included a certain measure of faithfulness, loyalty, and trust towards one's close friends. This concept is vaguely understood in the west coast. It's almost as if it were something only to be seen in movies.
Sorry, but that's how I was raised! Those whom you considered close friends were your brothers, and you did not turn your back on them regardless of what they did with their lives. Be they married, divorced, church-goers, heathens, felons, pot smokers, etc., it was unacceptable to turn your back on them. Yet, here you are telling me that because you were merely "caught in the middle" you were willing to turn your back on a so-called "brother-in-Christ???" OH MY!!!
Thank God I understood LOYALTY before I ever picked up the Bible!!!
Thank you so much for confirming my doubts!!!
As they say out here in California..."way ta' go dude!!!"
That is the way most "church people" are....I hate to tell you this. When my husband and I left the church only 1 lady called to see if we were okay. We'd been there for about 6 years....we disapear....nobody tries to see if we are okay. Go figure! But boy when we went through a rough patch financially and stopped paying tithes for awhile they sure did bug us about that one! Your Christian friends will let you down when you really need them.
Okay. So you can't be friends anymore with a divorced guy cause your wife won't have his wife to talk to when they come over? So why can't your wife just have conversation with you and the guy? And what if the wife had died?! Do you cut him off then too? That is the weirdest thing I've heard in awhile.
Last edited by DaniMae1; 10-17-2009 at 07:41 PM..
Reason: Typo...my hands are cold! it is 40 degrees in MS!
<<Yes,,,very much so caught in the middle. Loyalty to the husband feels like you are being disrespectful to his wife.>>
I disagree! This is where a man of commitment takes it upon himself to reach out to the husband, while leaving your wife to deal with that man's wife should she feel disrespected! It's nothing more than an issue of loyalty to one's friend at the risk of alienating that friend's wife. Surely, he would understand.
But again, that's where upbringing comes into play.
As too, June would imagine, others, as well! There is clearly a difference between one's ending one's life in isolation, at home, as opposed to a self inflicted gun shot wound in the parking lot of one's church.
Now that is what June calls a "very clear message." (-Albeit, a passive aggressive one, at that.)
Dear god, Donna, a man took his own life.
Surely you aren't saying that was either justified, or okay?
Take gentle care?
Ummmm what are we to think when an atheist emphasizes by saying "Dear god"? (And a little "g" at that!)
June - Those who depend on the Bible for wisdom would find little difference between Judas killing himself and a treacherous husband killing himself. The location served his purpose - a dramatic last word if you will.
Our human side can sympathize but the Biblical side realizes that the man was making his spiritual reality a physical fact. "The soul that sins shall die"
Ummmm what are we to think when an atheist emphasizes by saying "Dear god"? (And a little "g" at that!)
June - Those who depend on the Bible for wisdom would find little difference between Judas killing himself and a treacherous husband killing himself. The location served his purpose - a dramatic last word if you will.
Our human side can sympathize but the Biblical side realizes that the man was making his spiritual reality a physical fact. "The soul that sins shall die"
HK
Dear god is just an expression. Big G little g....who cares? Your god's name is not God....
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Make me a blessing Lord, Amen.
