Dealing with relatives who stayed behind (Cleveland: houses, buy, living)

[Neuling]

Hello Cactus,
actually I guess you situation does not have anything to do with specific cities, it is a universal problem. At the heart of it is the problem, that especially older people like parents and grandparents don't understand that times have changed, that people no longer stay around each other just because they are related. Today we pick our loved ones ourselves and we move here and there for economic and other reasons etc.
I have not seen my parents in 5 years or so. They are deeply rooted, they never leave their little town, even their home is the same as 40 years ago when I grew up there. Their poor minds still revolve around their "children" (i.e. my brother and me). When I first left home they probably thought I would come back once I had finished university. But of course I did not, life kept dragging me away farther and farther. Now I live thousands of km away in a different country and although I sometimes think of my childhood, I guess there is no way to turn back time. When I last visited them, I had not been to the place I grew up in years. I thought it would be nice to see and feel my old hometown. But it was one huge disappointment, the fond memories did no longer match with reality. All neighbors had already died, most homes looked different, there were new streets, the riverbed had been changed, trees chopped etc. And in addition to those changes, I had developed far away from my parents, I perceived them more like distant friends and I know this won't change. I was happy when after just a few days I could leave again. I was missing my friends more than my parents. I am still in contact with my parents by email, messenger and very rarely by phone. But I guess we have all woken up to reality. Luckily my parents don't even try to give me a bad conscience and to make me move back because they know I would not be happy where they live. And they only want my best.

[dragon_fly_12]

When the economy took me away from my home town and family, I did take a lot of statements from my family "well, when you move back..." We left for jobs, but realized a perk of leaving was to not be near them.

A lot of families have the deep rooted sense of growing up together, living near each other, always being a short trip or phone call away. I almost want to say it is strong in the Midwest, but I'm sure goes back to any region of the country. Family tends to expect you want to be near them, or even need to be near them. Now that I have lived over state lines away from my family, I don't think I could comfortably live within 30 mins of any of them - not dealing with the drama is entirely worth it to me.

Another perk of being so far away from family .... visiting each other isn't taken for granted. I speak with my father more regularly now than I ever did living near him. And, when we come into town, it is treated as a special occasion with quality time spent with us.

If you're in a stable job, in a stable home, happy where you live, and thriving as a family - why fix what isn't broken? If they want to be more apart of your lives, they certainly have a choice as well. It is selfish of them to assume that you're going to disrupt what you have going on just because you had a baby. They are not the ones feeding, clothing, caring for, or providing for with your family - and they certainly won't be stepping up to that plate if you move and can't get work right away.

[Heidi60]

Hi All, I moved from Cleveland in 1972 to get away from some of the family "stuff". However, I was way too young to understand that my connections to other family members were more important. Six months after I moved I lost my uncle, then a former classmate, and on and on. Those connections are now gone forever. I regret that I didn't think more about what I was loosing than gaining. It has been a few years since 1972 and those fun days when the Flats were new, but can now appreciate that one must figure out whether they are moving toward something or away from something. I needed to mature and define my own space before giving up so very much but that insite came too late. I've floated over Napa Valley in a balloon, survived the Loma Priet earthquake, and camped on Mexican beaches but without my familiy ties, there is always an empty place in the best of times. There are some things money just can't buy.

[Kasey77]

Originally Posted by Heidi60

Hi All, I moved from Cleveland in 1972 to get away from some of the family "stuff". However, I was way too young to understand that my connections to other family members were more important. Six months after I moved I lost my uncle, then a former classmate, and on and on. Those connections are now gone forever. I regret that I didn't think more about what I was loosing than gaining. It has been a few years since 1972 and those fun days when the Flats were new, but can now appreciate that one must figure out whether they are moving toward something or away from something. I needed to mature and define my own space before giving up so very much but that insite came too late. I've floated over Napa Valley in a balloon, survived the Loma Priet earthquake, and camped on Mexican beaches but without my familiy ties, there is always an empty place in the best of times. There are some things money just can't buy.

Wow Heidi, me too. I feel like i missed so much. Life long rooted friends and family is what I really want in my life and I sometimes regret all the moving and breaking of those ties I did. When I really needed help all the acqaintances I have known scattered like cockroaches. It was my family and life long friends that have been there!

[Neuling]

But your cockroach friends do not really have much to do with family or real friends. One can not compare superficial friends away from home to parents and conclude one should stick around each other from birth to death. One can find real good friends anywhere. That does not mean that one has to give up old friends and family. They continue to be what they are, if everyone involved wants that.
I guess I can say that I have a better relationship with my mother now than back when I still lived at home. She is old now, but young at heart, she likes to write me emails, putting in lots of smilies
On the other hand, I found my best friend where I live now, not where I grew up etc.
Apart from that, if somebody has such good friends and super parents and is aware of it, he or she is quite unlikely to move far away in the first place. I guess most people move far away because they don't feel like anything is keeping them in the old place.

[andrew61]

Originally Posted by The Cactus Leaguer

Don't worry, I am very strong willed and will not move to Cleveland simply to appease an overbearing mother-in-law. They would be like the parents in Everybody Loves Raymond where they come over almost every day, and I think that would drive me insane.

Heh... If you do move to Cleveland, I'd suggest living on the opposite side of town from your in-laws. Then maybe you could see them on weekends but not every day. Just a thought.

[000000]

if the wife is unswayed by the mil there really seems like there is no reason to leave portland for cleveland. portland is fixing itself while cleveland falls apart.

[The Cactus Leaguer]

Originally Posted by andrew61

Heh... If you do move to Cleveland, I'd suggest living on the opposite side of town from your in-laws. Then maybe you could see them on weekends but not every day. Just a thought.

I think Columbus would be the limit - no chance of weekday drop-ins.

[LewLew]

Originally Posted by Kasey77

Wow Heidi, me too. I feel like i missed so much. Life long rooted friends and family is what I really want in my life and I sometimes regret all the moving and breaking of those ties I did. When I really needed help all the acqaintances I have known scattered like cockroaches. It was my family and life long friends that have been there!

I am in the same boat as you and Heidi. I moved all over the country for my job. I have great experiences to show for it, but no lifelong connections. When I became a mother, I realized how much family ties and "old" friends will mean to them as children. Whether or not we want to appreciate them and keep them close as adults is our own choice. I am all for experiencing what you can when you can. I am who I am b/c of my idyllic childhood, and all the close family and friends my parents made sure I had in my life. I only want the same for my children, so we are moving back to be close to them. I am not naive, and don't think things haven't changed. I'm not looking to "go back", just looking to start fresh with the unconditional relationships surrounding us. Best of luck to everyone, no matter what paths you choose.

[Clevelander17]

Originally Posted by 000000

if the wife is unswayed by the mil there really seems like there is no reason to leave portland for cleveland. portland is fixing itself while cleveland falls apart.

Hyperbole.