Marriage: Parents Can't Seem To Get Rid of Their Millennials

[Serious Conversation]

Originally Posted by s1alker

I know people who marry and "settle" and still do all that stuff like traveling the world, living in different places, but they just do it as a pair. I know one couple that are DJs and go all over the world playing at clubs. Setting down is only boring if someone makes it that way.

Another problem is that jobs are largely grouping in a handful of major metros. Years ago you could get a job at a factory in some affordable small town and work/live there forever. Now in some fields like tech you have no choice but to live in places like SF with extremely high costs of living.

It's difficult to travel more as a couple IMO. You have to coordinate two different vacation schedules and decide where to go together. One person may want to X, another may want to go to Y. Not saying it can't be done, but it's tougher.

[headingtoDenver]

Originally Posted by whocares811

And so THAT is what I meant when I said that I think it is sad that many young people don't see that advantage in being married -- that being married can be a source of great happiness and not just a legal entanglement.

And, yes, I do willingly admit that I am "old-fashioned" -- and I am not ashamed of that.

I get what you are saying, but understand that "great happiness" can also be found for people who are single and those that are in a relationship and not married. Being married in itself doesn't create the happiness. Having the life you want with the people you want is what creates the happiness.

[ClaraC]

Originally Posted by eevee

No ambition??

I'm 33yo and every millennial I know over the age of 25 busts their asses on a near daily basis. They're holding down full time jobs, part time jobs, and "side hustles". If they're living at home it's because rental costs in the majority of cities have outpaced wages, or because the added load of student loans have messed with people's credit scores so they can't get their own place, or because they are being financially smart and trying to save up money. There are a variety of reasons people don't move out of their parents' home and "laziness", in my experience, is more often at the bottom of that list.

Enough of this tired trope that millennials are lazy because they got trophies. I didn't get trophies or awards for just showing up. This is a BS idea that maybe applies to wealthy suburban kids whose parents filled up their schedules with soccer games, music camps, karate, and ballet classes, but it doesn't apply to a whole swath of people born within a specific range of years. Let's just end that incorrect rhetoric right there and try to come up with a less used cliche.

As for marriages, why would anyone my age married? We've seen the rising divorce rates, many have been personally affected by it. Women as just as likely, if not more likely, to be college educated and earn as much or more than their partners so they don't need to rely on the income of a breadwinner husband. Despite what you may see on reality TV shows and gossip rags, many millennials are over the big, overly expensive weddings in much the same way we're over McMasions and massive SUVs. Lots of women and girls have the increase confidence to be "independent women" and have learned that they don't need to be tied down in a relationship (especially a bad relationship) to be happy. Many of us are just trying to build up our brand or career and aren't ready to settle into the cliche of a married, suburban lifestyle.

Personally, outside of tax and legal reasons (especially if children are involved), I don't see much of benefit to marriage. Marriage doesn't equal commitment; lots of people who get married divorce within weeks/months/years and many couple who don't get officially married stay together for decades. Stop placing marriage on this hallowed pedestal, stop making it this requirement to advance to the next level of adulthood that must be passed in order to find true happiness, success, and enlightenment.

Eevee, when I said my generation has nobody to blame but us for the millennials refusing to move out of their houses, I didn't mean to state that I think all (or even most) millennials are lazy. My three certainly are not, and have launched successfully. (for the most part). I am referring to parents who allow their kids to move back in, stating "the economy these days they can't make enough to live on". The economy is better than it's been in a long, long time. People have been saying "what with the economy nowadays" since the 60's and it means nothing. The economy goes up and down and up and down and people still somehow perceive it's difficult to make a living.

I'm glad you're a hard worker, and so many people your generation are. The problem is those who are not, or who refuse to live at a lower standard of housing than their parents who are very comfortable, and the parents allow it. The parents allow it, and even encourage it. I am not seeing, in those people, a willingness to rent a garage apartment in a kind of seedy part of town. They want to go from upper middle class housing straight into upper middle class housing, and my generation has nobody to blame but ourselves for that. That's never happened in our culture, where kids don't want to move out of their parents house and spread their wings and fly. (although in some cases it wasn't successful, the desire to move away from Mom and Dad was pretty universal).

I'm glad you're successful. I'm glad my kids are successful. And I'm glad they don't live in my house. To save money, you know, and all. ;D

[detachable arm]

Originally Posted by eevee

No ambition??

I'm 33yo and every millennial I know over the age of 25 busts their asses on a near daily basis. They're holding down full time jobs, part time jobs, and "side hustles".

Look mommy, I'm grinding! Watch this here daddy, look at me hustle!!

As for marriages, why would anyone my age married? We've seen the rising divorce rates, many have been personally affected by it. Women as just as likely, if not more likely, to be college educated and earn as much or more than their partners so they don't need to rely on the income of a breadwinner husband. Despite what you may see on reality TV shows and gossip rags, many millennials are over the big, overly expensive weddings in much the same way we're over McMasions and massive SUVs. Lots of women and girls have the increase confidence to be "independent women" and have learned that they don't need to be tied down in a relationship (especially a bad relationship) to be happy. Many of us are just trying to build up our brand or career and aren't ready to settle into the cliche of a married, suburban lifestyle.

The above, worn out mantra is exactly why younger guys no longer want to get married. Every sentence above points to one thing: materialism. Then it is said that 1 in 4 women are on soul destroying antidepressants..... and it is clear why some guys would rather beat off or look for an eastern mail order bride.

Just a couple observations from a young Gen Xer....

[Serious Conversation]

Originally Posted by ClaraC

Eevee, when I said my generation has nobody to blame but us for the millennials refusing to move out of their houses, I didn't mean to state that I think all (or even most) millennials are lazy. My three certainly are not, and have launched successfully. (for the most part). I am referring to parents who allow their kids to move back in, stating "the economy these days they can't make enough to live on". The economy is better than it's been in a long, long time. People have been saying "what with the economy nowadays" since the 60's and it means nothing. The economy goes up and down and up and down and people still somehow perceive it's difficult to make a living.

I'm glad you're a hard worker, and so many people your generation are. The problem is those who are not, or who refuse to live at a lower standard of housing than their parents who are very comfortable, and the parents allow it. The parents allow it, and even encourage it. I am not seeing, in those people, a willingness to rent a garage apartment in a kind of seedy part of town. They want to go from upper middle class housing straight into upper middle class housing, and my generation has nobody to blame but ourselves for that. That's never happened in our culture, where kids don't want to move out of their parents house and spread their wings and fly. (although in some cases it wasn't successful, the desire to move away from Mom and Dad was pretty universal).

I'm glad you're successful. I'm glad my kids are successful. And I'm glad they don't live in my house. To save money, you know, and all. ;D

You must live in a prosperous metropolitan area.

I live in Tennessee. Some numbers recently came out on the TN boards showing that my metro has had 0.1% total net job growth since 2000. This area was dominated by manufacturing. Many of those jobs are gone, replaced by call centers, retail/food service, and a lot of low paying health work like CNAs and home health aides. We haven't gotten the "jobs of tomorrow." We aren't booming with great jobs like Nashville - in fact, we're probably going in reverse in real terms.

The median household income here is only about $30,000. The economy is better here than it was in the depths of the recession, but frankly, it still sucks. There isn't much in the way of traditional suburban upper middle class housing here - we're too poor for that.

I spent the last five years around Des Moines and Indianapolis. These areas have booming economies compared to where I am, and a relatively cheap cost of living. Even for only a high school graduate, it's not uncommon to be able to make $20/hr or so in your early 20s without a lot of skills. You can easily rent a 1BR for $600-$700/month. Here, you'll be doing well to make $10/hr in the same job, and the rent's not much cheaper.

Many of the coastal big cities are just too expensive to make a go of it as a young person without family help or a lot of roommates. Small towns and rural areas, particularly in the South, often have a poor job market with low wages where it's hard to afford even a relatively low cost of living.

[katharsis]

Originally Posted by headingtoDenver

I get what you are saying, but understand that "great happiness" can also be found for people who are single and those that are in a relationship and not married. Being married in itself doesn't create the happiness. Having the life you want with the people you want is what creates the happiness.

Agreed!

(But I still believe in the idea of commitment and not just bailing when things get rough. Not saying that unmarried people cannot be in a committed relationship, though -- just that married people usually stay together longer than just live-togethers, I think. But, to be clear, I don't think ANYONE should stay together if the relationship is abusive in any way.)

[Ralph_Kirk]

Originally Posted by LauraC

I worked full-time and put myself through college at night. I didn't live with my parents.

How long did it take?

[Ralph_Kirk]

Originally Posted by ringwise

Long hours don't necessarily mean working hard. 60+ hours at a coffee house is hardly working as hard as a laborer who works 40+ hours.

What's that got to do with the point of "side hustle?"


For over 40 years I've had a "side hustle" as a photographer. Also as a part-time network analyst. Also running pizzas for Dominos. Also substitute teaching.


Nope, I've never worked as "hard as a laborer." I went to college to avoid that.

[Ralph_Kirk]

Originally Posted by jgn2013

- In the old days, men almost had to get married just to have sex consistently. Sure premarital sex happened, but contraceptives were less reliable, so if a woman turned up pregnant, a shotgun wedding was likely to ensue. At age 21 or 22, you were either going to get married or have sex, get someone pregnant and then get married. Women had fewer options, so they were forced to be more practical when choosing a spouse. A good provider, comparable values, somewhat pleasant to be around and hopefully there was a decent attraction. With online dating and a more "open" culture, women will spend more time dating around; the kind of man they'd marry in 1957, they'll likely ignore in 2017.

I remember conversation I had with my buddies one summer in, I think, 1969. We were talking about the peril of having to get married if we got a girl pregnant.


There was not even a question in our minds about that. Between her parents and our parents, that marriage was absolutely going to happen.

[RP2C]

These parents created their own Pajama-boy-freindly society when it "felt good" to make those decisions and choices. Now the chickens have come home to roost.