Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Well I will be brutally honest, if I was with a man that gained 50 pounds because he was living an unhealthy lifestyle and I lost attraction to him, no amount of love would save him from my not being sexually attracted to him. I don't want a man that is fat or very overweight. Perhaps that is shallow, but if I do everything to keep my body in shape then I want my so to do the same. The ops weight gain is not because of medical problems, car accidents, or other hypotheticals that would naturally result in compassion and understanding if someone loved you. However 50 pound weight gain because she's eating too much and not taking care of herself? It's selfish to assume that someone should love you and overlook extreme visible changes that were brought upon yourself by your own unhealthy behaviors.
She knew when she met him that he liked thin petite women and her weight gain is not a minimal amount. 10-20 pound weight gain is a lot more negiotable to gain over 13 years than 50 pounds is.
Unfortunately in the aa community thick women with big behinds are often placed on pedestals and seen as beautiful sexy or desirable and a lot of AA men tend to find this body type attractive and as a result there are a lot of aa women that desire that look. Thinner aa girls, if they are not as curvy, are not looked at the same by large subsets of AA men as thicker women are. Some thin women learn to love themselves for who they are regardless and learn to accept their bodies and not allow the hype to influence them. Others gain weight over time and come into their body naturally. Some especially after they have babies end up getting fat. And then there are those like the op, that see themselves gaining weight and think "finally I can be like the other thick girls" and often times I wonder if they suffer from body dysmorphia because very rarely do these type of thin petite women look the same or as good as the women they wish to look like because they are not supposed to be that big/thick.
I have so many examples of women I personally know like the op that were always very thin, then they intentionally try to gain all this weight to be thick and it does not look good unclothed. Body structures and frames really factor into added weight and how it looks when it's carried. Some women cannot get away with carrying more weight and others can. A woman that was as thin as the op was, has a small body frame and most likely is supposed to be small/petite. Too much weight on that body type does not look good and is not healthy.
Her husband is not wrong for feeling how he feels about her extreme weight gain. He had a preference. Had he met her at her current weight he wouldn't have dated her. Let's be realistic now. A lot of of us have physical dealbreakers, if we date someone that meets our physical criteria and then years later after we've made a commitment they transform into a look that has always been something we were turned off by, it is silly to pretend that we would still feel the same attraction.
Well I will be brutally honest, if I was with a man that gained 50 pounds because he was living an unhealthy lifestyle and I lost attraction to him, no amount of love would save him from my not being sexually attracted to him. I don't want a man that is fat or very overweight. Perhaps that is shallow, but if I do everything to keep my body in shape then I want my so to do the same. The ops weight gain is not because of medical problems, car accidents, or other hypotheticals that would naturally result in compassion and understanding if someone loved you. However 50 pound weight gain because she's eating too much and not taking care of herself? It's selfish to assume that someone should love you and overlook extreme visible changes that were brought upon yourself by your own unhealthy behaviors.
She knew when she met him that he liked thin petite women and her weight gain is not a minimal amount. 10-20 pound weight gain is a lot more negiotable to gain over 13 years than 50 pounds is.
Unfortunately in the aa community thick women with big behinds are often placed on pedestals and seen as beautiful sexy or desirable and a lot of AA men tend to find this body type attractive and as a result there are a lot of aa women that desire that look. Thinner aa girls, if they are not as curvy, are not looked at the same by large subsets of AA men as thicker women are. Some thin women learn to love themselves for who they are regardless and learn to accept their bodies and not allow the hype to influence them. Others gain weight over time and come into their body naturally. Some especially after they have babies end up getting fat. And then there are those like the op, that see themselves gaining weight and think "finally I can be like the other thick girls" and often times I wonder if they suffer from body dysmorphia because very rarely do these type of thin petite women look the same or as good as the women they wish to look like because they are not supposed to be that big/thick.
I have so many examples of women I personally know like the op that were always very thin, then they intentionally try to gain all this weight to be thick and it does not look good unclothed. Body structures and frames really factor into added weight and how it looks when it's carried. Some women cannot get away with carrying more weight and others can. A woman that was as thin as the op was, has a small body frame and most likely is supposed to be small/petite. Too much weight on that body type does not look good and is not healthy.
Her husband is not wrong for feeling how he feels about her extreme weight gain. He had a preference. Had he met her at her current weight he wouldn't have dated her. Let's be realistic now. A lot of of us have physical dealbreakers, if we date someone that meets our physical criteria and then years later after we've made a commitment they transform into a look that has always been something we were turned off by, it is silly to pretend that we would still feel the same attraction.
Thank you. I'm reading this thread like, "Really?" at all the posts that say he doesn't deserve her, as if he did something wrong. He expressed his feelings about something that he cannot change. The OP can change - she chose not to. And that's ok, but she chose the consequences along with that.
My husband and I have been together some 13 years now. His first marriage, my second. When we met I weighed about 100 pounds. He told me that he's always been attracted to slender, petite women. For most of my life I was the skinny girl. Even after having my 2 kids from my first husband I still remained slim and petite. Our sex life was great in the beginning. Well, since then I've began putting on weight and I liked the way I looked with some meat on my bones. I like to eat and I'll eat a bowl of cereal every night before I go to bed. People have commented on how much better I look, except my husband. No we don't have any kids together. I guess I've gone from 100 lbs to almost 150 lbs any my husband doesn't seem to want to touch me. He's always said that he doesn't like a woman with a big booty (we're both black) and most of the black guys I know love a woman with a big rear end. Not my husband.
We've only had sex maybe twice in the past 3 or 4 months and he refuses to touch me. One thing I can say about him is that he's brutally honest. He'll tell me that he's not attracted to bigger women and that I've gained weight. I wear body shapers and "girdles" to hold everything in but he says that's nice when you're dressed but when you take that off and the real me comes out it's not attractive to see that I've put on about 50% of my initial body weight since we first met.
I'm the type of woman who believes in unconditional love. You should love the person you're with no matter how they change. My husband says that it is only reserved for parents and children and somewhat brothers and sisters. Why can't he just love me for me? We're in our mid 40s and he doesn't seem to care about sex (with me). Don't most men like sex? If he's not having sex with me then who's he having it with? Your weight should not be an issue if you truly love someone.The funny thing is this. He's also put on weight. No, not as much as me but I still love and desire him. He went from a 44 suit to a 46 so he's putting on the lbs too. He won't touch me. He won't cuddle with me. I've caught him checking out younger, slimmer women and I'm starting to worry.
What should I do? No, I don't want to go back to my original weight but I want my husband to want me again.
Tough situation you find yourself in. I feel for you. However, would it kill you to not eat that bowl of cereal each night if it would help you lose a few pounds? He married you at one weight. That is what he fell In love with. You can't expect him to just "automatically" be attracted to you no matter what. We all have to "keep impressing" the one we love. Love is not conditional and it isn't a guarantee. You can't expect someone to accept you when you let yourself go. It's not fair to the person you are with. It's kind of selfish in a way. I have always been in shape. I pride myself on that. I look for the same thing in a partner.
You can't expect him to just "automatically" be attracted to you no matter what. We all have to "keep impressing" the one we love.
This is an important point. Weight gain is the trigger, but the breakdown is more fundamental than that. It's the lack of effort. No one is entitled to the love and attraction of anyone else, even if it was promised unconditionally on the altar. "Letting oneself go" as it's so often described is indicative of one partner not willing to put the work into the relationship any more. Sure we all age and gain some weight, that's ok. What's not ok is giving up and expecting your partner to make up for it.
The strongest relationships remain strong because each partner is always trying to woo the other. How many happy relationships do you know where the guy hasn't planned date night in 5 years? The effort is the most important thing in the relationship, and large amounts of weight gain are indicative of a lack of resiliency when it comes to said effort.
When a person is only attracted to a certain thing or type- in this case a very narrow and very specific body type - it's called a fetish. Your husband's fetish is not your problem, OP, it's actually his problem. People who have fetishes need to be very open and clear about them before a serious relationship happens, because they are the ones who have the exacting preferences and cannot deal with the fact that people and things change.
This isn't merely about sexual attraction, this is about the husband having a fetish and using it as an excuse to sexually abandon his wife.
When a person is only attracted to a certain thing or type- in this case a very narrow and very specific body type - it's called a fetish.Your husband's fetish is not your problem, OP, it's actually his problem. People who have fetishes need to be very open and clear about them before a serious relationship happens, because they are the ones who have the exacting preferences and cannot deal with the fact that people and things change.
This isn't merely about sexual attraction, this is about the husband having a fetish and using it as an excuse to sexually abandon his wife.
Yup. The logic is bizarre. It's a fetish because he prefers thin women, married a thin woman and then after she gains 50 pounds he is no longer attracted? He is sexually abandoning her because he is the awful husband with a skinny girl fetish. It can't be that she gained a ton of weight, looks drastically different, let herself go, and turns him off. He has the problem... But her gaining 50 pounds is not a problem and shouldn't matter.... We all should just love our spouses and pretend we don't notice extreme weight gain. To notice and voice our concern indicates that we have the problem.
Yup. The logic is bizarre. It's a fetish because he prefers thin women, married a thin woman and then after she gains 50 pounds he is no longer attracted? He is sexually abandoning her because he is the awful husband with a skinny girl fetish. It can't be that she gained a ton of weight, looks drastically different, let herself go, and turns him off. He has the problem... But her gaining 50 pounds is not a problem and shouldn't matter.... We all should just love our spouses and pretend we don't notice extreme weight gain. To notice and voice our concern indicates that we have the problem.
Hmmm....
City data logic never ceases to amaze me.
No, it's a fetish if he's only attracted to extremely thin women, and will not have sex with a woman who is not extremely thin.
If he had a foot fetish, would she be obligated to keep her feet in tip top shape, no matter what? What if she got bunions and he refused to have sex with her? What if she had foot surgery that left scars and he would no longer have sex with her? Would that her problem or his?
What if he was only attracted to youthful, perky breasts and once hers started sagging with age he refused to have sex with her? Would that be her problem or his? Would she be obligated to get a boob job just to make him happy?
There is a difference between wanting to look good for your partner and a partner who insists on an unrealistic body type. 100 lbs at 5'6" is not healthy or realistic at this time in the OP's life. I am pretty sure that even if she lost 20 or 30 lbs he wouldn't be happy. He wants her to look a very specific way that is no longer realistic.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It can't be that she gained a ton of weight, looks drastically different, let herself go, and turns him off. He has the problem... But her gaining 50 pounds is not a problem and shouldn't matter.... We all should just love our spouses and pretend we don't notice extreme weight gain. To notice and voice our concern indicates that we have the problem.
