To speak up or not speak up (regarding handling aggressive dog) (lab, terrier)

[Lizita]

A friend of mine has two dogs. A Lab mix named Stanley and a little Terrier mix named Buffy. Buffy was adopted from a shelter a couple of years ago and has had issues ever since. He is a pretty mellow guy but he has some major aggression issues at times. He will growl and snap at his owner for no reason or very minor things, such as just touching him or putting his collar on. When my friend adopted him she could hardly touch him and on one occasion Buffy basically held her hostage in the bathroom. He stood in the doorway snarling at her and she was afraid to leave the room. One time he bit her when she was just sitting down in the couch.
Buffy has gotten better though but he still has some aggression issues, just not as often. The thing is that he is much better with some other people. He's a completely normal dog at the vet and in daycare. He's also fine with some of her friends but not others. He loved her ex boyfriend and he could pet him almost from the beginning. I've watched and walked him and his brother a few times and he's pretty good with me. He has growled at me a few times but it's nothing major. However, when his owner is around he's a little terrorist and I can't even touch him.

Obviously Buffy had issues when my friend adopted him but he can clearly be a good dog with some people. It seems to me that my friend is not handling Buffy correctly which makes him worse. She's afraid of him which I'm sure doesn't help. The fact that he can control her with a growl isn't good either. It gives him all the power. He doesn't respect her as his master at all.
I'm no dog expert and have had some problems with my own dogs but I can see some pretty blatant things my friend does wrong. Buffy needs someone who is strict with him and doesn't let him get away with anything but she isn't. For example Buffy barks at people who walk past his house but instead of going up to him and shutting him up right away every single time she'll yell "quiet" from another room. When she tries something new she tries it once and determines that it doesn't work but dogs need repetition to learn something. Basically, I think she is the reason why Buffy hasn't made more progress.

I'm not sure if I should speak up and let her know what I think she's doing wrong and risk offending her or if I should just shut up and sympathize when she complains about Buffy's behavior. I've tried to drop some hints that she needs to be tougher on him and gain his respect but I've tried not to be too blunt so I'm not sure it came across. Should I be more blunt and let her know that she needs to be consistent and stricter and that she needs to work harder at it and not just yell from the other room. It's hard work to fix bad behavior and she's not putting in hard work. She does talk to me about Buffy all the time but I'm still not sure if it's my place to tell her.
How would you guys handle it?

[runswithscissors]

Yes you should advise her to get professional help from a BEHAVIORIST. This is a very serious problem and she should not have been given that dog. She's just making stuff up that has no basis in logic with him. And yelling etc is REALLY bad.

It's not at all about being tougher or stricter. It's about understanding his needs/issues and having the right calm, assertive energy that the dogs understand to LEAD him into the right direction. Frustration, fear, etc is only passing that energy on to the dog and because she is not a calm leader it's only going to get worse and worse.

He knows she is a weak energy and it makes him concerned. He's trying to "step up" and compensate. Call for help STAT! I'm sure he'd call himself if he could, he's not happy!

I venture to say ANYONE with the "right" energy and knowledge could walk right in there and he'd be fine with them. (with her not around). Or at least on neutral ground like daycare. Because he knows his position there. He may be not perfect with this hypothetical stranger at first because he's messed up, but he'd come around with time.

The trust has been broken here. It's a BIG problem, poor guy.

[Fontucky]

If someone wants to be owned by a dog, I wont say anything because they made the situation what it is. It's their business. But I won't sit there and listen to them complain about it ad nauseam without telling them to either fix the fixable situation or stop complaining, because I don't want to hear about it.

[Lizita]

She did consult a trainer who she had a couple of sessions with and she sent Buffy to obedience training (not with her though) so she says "I tried that". I don't think she could afford a behaviorist. Just an evaluation is $400.

My issue is, do I tell her flat out that she's the problem and that she needs to adjust her behavior and state of mind if she wants Buffy to get better? I can see what the problem is - she's not consistent, she's not calm, she's afraid of him and does not have the calm environment he needs. When he acts up with aggression she yells at him and it gets worse. I don't know if I should be brutally honest, though.
The problem isn't that I don't want to hear about it. I care about Buffy and I care about her. I want to do what helps and if I offend her it won't. I always think it's hard to know what to say.

Other than a behaviorist, what should I advice her? I've actually thought about advising her to re-home Buffy. I'm normally not a proponent of re-homing dogs. I think they are a permanent responsibility. But I don't think she and Buffy are a good match. He's not happy with her and she's not happy with him. It's never quite occurred to me that Buffy's aggression is a sign of him being unhappy, though, but I bet that's true.

[TinaMcG]

Originally Posted by Fontucky

If someone wants to be owned by a dog, I wont say anything because they made the situation what it is. It's their business. But I won't sit there and listen to them complain about it ad nauseam without telling them to either fix the fixable situation or stop complaining, because I don't want to hear about it.

Yeah, that sums up my attitude perfectly.

I would only offer advice if I were asked for it, or if the person were complaining about the situation. That applies to parents of dogs and parents of children.

[runswithscissors]

Originally Posted by Lizita

She did consult a trainer who she had a couple of sessions with and she sent Buffy to obedience training (not with her though) so she says "I tried that". I don't think she could afford a behaviorist. Just an evaluation is $400.

My issue is, do I tell her flat out that she's the problem and that she needs to adjust her behavior and state of mind if she wants Buffy to get better? I can see what the problem is - she's not consistent, she's not calm, she's afraid of him and does not have the calm environment he needs. When he acts up with aggression she yells at him and it gets worse. I don't know if I should be brutally honest, though.
The problem isn't that I don't want to hear about it. I care about Buffy and I care about her. I want to do what helps and if I offend her it won't. I always think it's hard to know what to say.

Other than a behaviorist, what should I advice her? I've actually thought about advising her to re-home Buffy. I'm normally not a proponent of re-homing dogs. I think they are a permanent responsibility. But I don't think she and Buffy are a good match. He's not happy with her and she's not happy with him. It's never quite occurred to me that Buffy's aggression is a sign of him being unhappy, though, but I bet that's true.

When my friend adopted him she could hardly touch him

So this dog was special needs from the beginning and she had no support for that. Sounds like you have a great handle on the situation. Animals are inherently optimistic and manage to "make due" with whatever meager thing they have. What other choice do they have? It sounds like she might be relieved to have a heart to heart if you're not preachy. Yes professionals are expensive.

I would say his aggression is because he's insecure from what you've said. All dogs want to be in balance but they just can't figure it out with humans. Luckily most of the time the "fix" is basically the same but finding someone who understands it and can have a rapport with the human is the problem. And the human understanding that the "fix" takes a real understanding of it. But the BITING is not an easy thing to work with even for a professional - desensitizing him etc.

I personally don't see a person who's afraid of their dog jumping the hurdle alone. It's too hard for them to NOT FEEL nervous, understandably. Maybe I can find a helpful video for you to show her and say "Look, this reminds me of Buffy".

I don't think "telling her" she's the problem will work but maybe ASKING why she thinks he's ok with the two guys and at the vet and at daycare but not at home? But there's no way I could go to a friend's house and see all that and keep quiet haha.

If she SEES that a similar dog can be helped by someone when you'd think it wouldn't happen - she might realize that it's never hopeless. And make a decision. This one is hard and the easy answer WOULD BE to find a patient experienced home for him.

Once I had an interview with someone to walk her dog. She was all braggy about how great he was protecting her. But also saying he was unpredictable.

He wasn't unpredictable he knew exactly what he was doing. He was totally on guard, circling, staring, and guarding the foyer. Everything I did she gasped - "Watch out, he'll bite, don't make any fast moves" etc etc. So I even said I'd take him on conditionally (because I had seen him act NORMAL with her mother) and everything I offered she rejected. Like taking him down to my apartment and getting to know me before starting daily walks when she was out of town. It was obvious she was afraid of him with other people cuz I said "Put his leash on him and walk him to his bed and ask him to sit there calmly". And she didn't move. HE did, though. He sat 3 feet from me all steely eyed and tense - and every time I moved a muscle he got ready to GO!

I go "Wouldn't you like to be able to have people enter your place without worrying that someone's going to get bitten or whatever"? And she goes "I'd prefer you keep your comments to dog walking". LOLOLOL

I stood up and said "with a big smile Ok thank you so much for the Meet & Greet" and walked out. Took the elevator down to my apt and wrote her an email "So nice meeting you and Fido! Unfortunately we're not a good match for pet sitting but I really appreciate you taking the time with me".

For the next year she was ducking and running from people in the lobby, taking stairs instead of the elevators, all nervous and stuff every time I saw her with him going out. Some people just don't WANT things to change for whatever reason. I have NO idea why she even called me.

He was cute, too. A sheep dog. Poor guy. Living in paranoid pressure all the time. Except when the mother was there. He was FINE.

I guess some people think there's a secret magic wand.

[SoHoVe]

She doesn't sound invested in changing the behavior.

I wouldn't waste my breath.

It is nice of the OP to want to help solve the problem though.

[OhZone]

This is a bad situation.
Where did she adopt this dog from? No rescue agency puts aggressive dogs up for adoption.
Even the county animal control does some evaluating of the dogs they put up for adoption and they do not put up aggressive dogs.

If she cannot afford to put him with a real trainer to desensitize him she should have him euthanized before he does real damage to her or someone else.

[JrzDefector]

I'd have a "come to Jesus" talk with her. I'd be willing to tank a friendship over something like this, just because it's irresponsible to not have control over your dog. I'd make it clear to her that she's the problem and "it didn't work" doesn't really wash unless you've made a decent effort at it. I'd tell her she needs to rehome the dog if she can't invest the time and effort. It's nothing she wants to hear, but when someone is screwing up an animal this badly, I get pretty cranky.