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Hi everyone. I have a problem which I need help with.
My 50 yr old mother is having health problems. My brother has always been closer to her than I. According to him, because of his 'devotion' to her, I deserve nothing when she passes. Like I wasn't there, when we were kids and mom couldn't afford food for the table and we all had to sacrifice. My mother doesn't agree with him, and sees that he is being money hungry and fears that I will have to fight for my half. Dad has been out of the picture for quite a while.
She would like to set up a life insurance policy naming me as the only beneficiary, but does not want my brother to ever be able to find it.
I don't know much about these things, but after reading some of the posts, I realized that maybe I could get some advice from others who may have already been thru this.
She isn't too elderly yet, and while she has some health issues that may eventually kill her, we feel that she may be able to get some insurance. She hasn't made her will yet, and don't know if it is worth the effort.
Is there a way that we can do this without my brother ever finding out? Should I pay for it? After she passes, is there a way he can find the policy by searching for it somehow? Is there a certain kind of policy I shoud consder over another?
I know this seems underhanded, but we feel this may be the only way. She already has a small policy that will at least cover funeral expenses, plus a litle more. she feels my brother will find a way to take the whole thing. I have asked her to request a beneficiary change form, so she can at least put her wishes on paper.
"She hasn't made her will yet, and don't know if it is worth the effort."
More likely she doesn't want to alienate either of you. Mothers are like that.
I have advice, but it isn't what you want to hear. First, lets clarify: Your mom is getting old and ill, and the main thing you are interested in is getting a life insurance policy on her so that you can inherit, and you don't want your brother to know about it or be able to share in it? And can I safely assume you want your mother to pay the premiums?
My advice is to grow up and consider that she might have upcoming medical expenses and needs that you and your brother will have to pay for, and not be worrying about life insurance. If you need more money, get a second or third job.
I agree with harry chickpea. Your mother is only 50 years old, and her average life expectancy even with health problems is another 20-30 years. You, your mother and your brother ought to all be sitting down and looking at her HEALTH insurance and getting her will and papers in order NOW while she still is in acceptable health and sound mind.
I'm a nurse and my husband has M.S.; life is tough if you go through it with the attitude that your signature shows. Our kids fought like cats and dogs when they were young, but are now good friends as young adults. They won't get much of an inheritance (if any!) because of my hubby's illness. We can't get extra life insurance for him; and we are lucky that he was a federal employee because his meds would cost over half my salary if he didn't have that health insurance.
Love and enjoy your mother now and start saving memories. They are worth much more than any monetary inheritance you would get from her death. Neither my hubby or I inherited a cent from the deaths of our parents, but the memories of them are more priceless than gold.
My mother has come to me privately, this is her question. She is being responsible about it. She is planning on providing for each of us the best she can. Her issue, is that although she is closer to my brother, she sees the greediness in his heart. She is fearful that he wil find a way to get more than what she wants him to get. This has nothing to do with time or memories. I have my special time with my mother. Those memories will always be more important to me than any amount of money. Shame on you to assume they weren't!!!!!!!!!
Please don't read into anything, there has been quite alot of things that has transpired, which could take months, then I would still be sitting here asking the same question.
I hope that whomever has problems with my question, not focus on their own emotions about this question. Nice of you to judge without all the facts, but hey I guess you are entitled to your own opinions.
The bottom line is he is as much her son as you are her daughter. He can contest any will she writes if he chooses. I would "guess" that YOU could take out a policy on your mom and YOU could pay all the premiums and it would be your money when she passes. The best way to find an answer to this would be to call people in your area that handle life insurance and ask them.
You'll notice, if you re-read my post, that all I did was clarify your statement with questions, questions which you didn't answer. I then suggested that there were more important issues that appeared to have been overlooked. I still think they are being overlooked.
If looking at those questions made you think that I was being judgmental, then, my friend, you just judged your own statement, not me. All I did was rephrase what you said, in the form of questions. You read into it whatever you saw in your own mind.
The simple answer to your direct question is that your mother can name whomever she wants as a beneficiary of a policy she pays for. She has no duty to report that to your brother unless he is a legal guardian. That was obvious from the beginning.
The question you are dancing around, however, is why is she not strong enough to stand up and write a will that states her wishes? It is important.
In a cool and objective manner, I'm stating that she is NOT being responsible. Sans a will, her estate will be decided by probate, a process where the two of you will eat up any money she has left on lawyers, and end up with even more bad feelings. Here is a link to another post of mine on a similar subject:
I can also almost guarantee that without a will, the condition under which it was signed will be contested in probate, and you'll stand a chance of losing out on that policy. Gee, thanks mom.
Do not expect people here to rescue you or your mother from a lack of preplanning or being direct with each other and your brother. If you want to involve people in internecine squabbles, you'll find a multitude of lawyers more than willing to become deeply involved... for a healthy fee.
I told you you weren't going to like my advice, but it is the same advice I would give you if you were my best buddy or worst enemy. (Well, maybe not my worst enemy.)
Like JenLee, I would be more focused on other issues, but this one would be resolved by a quick meeting between her and an attorney to set up her will, with my paying the fee and staying completely out of the process. I'd even have the lawyer hold the will without ever showing it to me, and I'd make sure she knew that it would be set up like that. That could be important in any later squabbles.
This is a difficult topic and hard to say everything that's happened in a couple posts on the internet. I was in a similiar situation a few years ago and things didn't turn out well.
Just an opinion but I agree, she has to make a will and the insurance she put whatever she wants. I'll tell you from my experience a lot can happen from the time the will is made and her final day with you and your brother. It's better to get everything out in the open and all be honest with each other. I don't know the whole story and maybe that's not possible but I would really try because it will cause a lot of heartache and hurt feelings at some point if there are secrets. I give your mom credit because at least she's thinking about doing something, where so many other people don't want to even think about it let alone do anything about it. Good luck.
harry chickpea it is interesting how you are so focused on the emotional working of my family. You rephrase my statements into pointed questions in a defensive manner. I dont know you are you in the legal world used to finding points of conflict?
I came here not for any emotional support or insight. My family is what it is. I love my mother. My brother lives closer to her provides day to day support which I cant. Proximity is the rule here. She has told me that he expects more than I do. My mother doesnt have a lot she still works her medical needs will increase as time passes. She knows she will need to use whatever money she has to take care of herself and she is planning for that. The issue here is that no matter what a will says or if there is a trust these are legal documents that can be contested. She has seen this happen to close friends. She knows that when the time came my brother will do what he can to take what he feels is due him even if the documents say otherwise. That is the type of person he is. He feels that all the things that happened to him are other peoples fault. My mother isnt going to try to change him at his age she has decided to just work around it knowing him. She loves him and me equally. He doesn't see that and refuses to let me have equal standing. He is a very defensive person. My mother told us to have a sit down to talk about issues openly and he refused. He doesnt have time. I am not interested in changing him. My mother isnt either. I know how my mother feels about me and I am OK with that.
So mr harry chickpea do you have a family that does all the things you are telling me to do? I wont believe you even if you say you do. EVERY FAMILY IS DYSFUNCTIONAL, and if you cant admit that, then seek counselling. If I wanted relationship advice, I would have picked a different forum.
I came here for advice on an insurance issue not family issues. I cant believe that anyone would assume the worst of me because I asked a simple question. I always look for the good in people. I forget that not everyone does that. They cant respond without letting their own internal emotions get in the way.
Im sorry, I was hoping we didnt have to go here. I just had a simple question and now I have bruises. I am not looking for more adversity just friendly advice. Is that possile here???????????????
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too quick to judge
can we get off the emotions of the question
