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I need advice, educators and parents:
Our oldest son has a bad habit of not turning in homework. He tests fairly well and ends up with a C-D average. Then, the teachers give him time at the end of the term to turn in missed work. He gets some in, and gets a C, sometimes a B.
I am seriously thinking about asking the teachers to let him fail his last quarter and making him go to summer school. Somehow, I have to break the 'getting by' attitude he has.
He is sandwiched between our other kids who are type A high achievers on one end and very disciplined hard workers who work, work, work to get Cs. He is right in the middle, academically...but has no real desire to 'achieve'. I actually heard him and a friend calculating what they would have to get on a science test to get a C and be eligible to finish out the football season (his friend) and be in the school play (our son). UGH
He once said: "Mom, don't overreact about this stuff. I always have a hard time in math and so I probably won't make the A/B honor role even if I break my back. And if I do, really what does it matter? I behave in class, get good grades on tests and get some homework in. Why is that not enough?"
We've grounded, taken away 'screens' (ipod, etc.) and talked, talked, talked. This fella is just laid back, bright enough to get by and...charming. What do you DO with this? Should I ask the teachers NOT to accept his last minute work??? He is otherwise a nice kid, good citizen, etc. This attitude is also about scouts (why do ALL that work toward Eagle scout? Just do badges you like and go on the camping trips!).
Are the teachers allowing other students to do make-up assignments (I call them "last call" work right before the end of the quarter. Turn them in and get partial credit instead of a zero. I won't reload them, give out new ones, but if they are in the notebooks they can be completed)? It would be unfair to your son to have the teacher not allow him to do the work while allowing other students to do so.
Sending him to summer school won't change his behavior pattern, just extend it for 4 more weeks in the summer.
Some kids' personalities are just like this (typically boys by the way). My guess is that he's a Type B or A/B personality and is most likely right brain dominant. The tip off is the math and the theater. Right braineds tend to be analogical and creative.
My other question is also how much pressure are you putting on him? The Scouts thing was that trigger. Some kids just don't want to do Eagle, my oldest son said exactly what your's did about badges and camping. He also figured since everyone pretty much gets Eagle now it's kind of a worthless achievement. He's 25.
I need advice, educators and parents:
Our oldest son has a bad habit of not turning in homework. He tests fairly well and ends up with a C-D average. Then, the teachers give him time at the end of the term to turn in missed work. He gets some in, and gets a C, sometimes a B.
I am seriously thinking about asking the teachers to let him fail his last quarter and making him go to summer school. Somehow, I have to break the 'getting by' attitude he has.
He is sandwiched between our other kids who are type A high achievers on one end and very disciplined hard workers who work, work, work to get Cs. He is right in the middle, academically...but has no real desire to 'achieve'. I actually heard him and a friend calculating what they would have to get on a science test to get a C and be eligible to finish out the football season (his friend) and be in the school play (our son). UGH
He once said: "Mom, don't overreact about this stuff. I always have a hard time in math and so I probably won't make the A/B honor role even if I break my back. And if I do, really what does it matter? I behave in class, get good grades on tests and get some homework in. Why is that not enough?"
We've grounded, taken away 'screens' (ipod, etc.) and talked, talked, talked. This fella is just laid back, bright enough to get by and...charming. What do you DO with this? Should I ask the teachers NOT to accept his last minute work??? He is otherwise a nice kid, good citizen, etc. This attitude is also about scouts (why do ALL that work toward Eagle scout? Just do badges you like and go on the camping trips!).
Taben
As a high school biology teacher, I would never "let" a student fail just because the parent asked me to. He is making an attempt. And, while you feel that is not good enough (I wouldn't either as a parent), he is still getting things turned in. Sorry.
I need advice, educators and parents:
Our oldest son has a bad habit of not turning in homework. He tests fairly well and ends up with a C-D average. Then, the teachers give him time at the end of the term to turn in missed work. He gets some in, and gets a C, sometimes a B.
I am seriously thinking about asking the teachers to let him fail his last quarter and making him go to summer school. Somehow, I have to break the 'getting by' attitude he has.
He is sandwiched between our other kids who are type A high achievers on one end and very disciplined hard workers who work, work, work to get Cs. He is right in the middle, academically...but has no real desire to 'achieve'. I actually heard him and a friend calculating what they would have to get on a science test to get a C and be eligible to finish out the football season (his friend) and be in the school play (our son). UGH
He once said: "Mom, don't overreact about this stuff. I always have a hard time in math and so I probably won't make the A/B honor role even if I break my back. And if I do, really what does it matter? I behave in class, get good grades on tests and get some homework in. Why is that not enough?"
We've grounded, taken away 'screens' (ipod, etc.) and talked, talked, talked. This fella is just laid back, bright enough to get by and...charming. What do you DO with this? Should I ask the teachers NOT to accept his last minute work??? He is otherwise a nice kid, good citizen, etc. This attitude is also about scouts (why do ALL that work toward Eagle scout? Just do badges you like and go on the camping trips!).
Taben
I have been teaching middle school students for 12 years. This is a very common problem particularly at the middle level. It is a defining moment for many children as they try to identify who they are as individuals. It is a difficult time for parents because it's a fine line between being overprotective versus being too lenient. However, parents need to clearly communicate that anything less than the child's best effort and attention to reasonable work requirements will not be accepted. In my opinion, academic achievement is less important than attitude and work habits. They are the building blocks for future success.
I fear that your idea of letting him fail and attend summer school is not the answer. He most likely will pass summer school with even less effort than he is putting in now. The message he will take from that experience is that he doesn't need to do anything next year because he can go to summer school where he only needs to put in five or six weeks of minimal effort to move to the next grade.
I know it's not easy but somehow you need to make it very uncomfortable for him to choose taking the easy way out now before the problem grows into something bigger.
I would question why you don't ride him harder to do better, why the expectations aren't set higher, why turning in no work is acceptable, why he even has screens if he persists in this behavior. Heck, take the screens away completely. He earns the first one back after 2 weeks with no missed assignments. You cannot control where the teacher sets the bar (although I would ask... I would accommodate such a request if the parent tried to help light a fire under their kid), but you can tell your son where the bar is set for you. You can tell him what the standards are for your family and you can hold him to them.
Yes, it's ultimately his choice, but I think too many times we throw in the towel too soon. When he's 18, you won't be able to control what he does. Absolutely true. He may choose to be a sloth his entire life. But while he is underage and under your roof, you can give him the organizational tools he needs to do well. At 18 all you can do is pray, but right now you still have a chance to influence, to guide him in his choices so that if he decides he does want more for himself at 18, he will know how to do it and he will have practiced it before.
That means monitoring his homework, requiring that he record each assignment when made in class, check it off when completed and crossed off when turned in. It may require you to be in frequent communication with the teacher at first as he tests you. It may require consequences if he lies and you find out later he didn't do an assignment. It will require that he not be allowed leisure activities (video games, computer, cell phone, TV, etc) each day until the homework is completed. If this is a habit, I would take away all that stuff initially and require him to earn them back and only keep them by compliance. It will likely be a very long first month, but eventually he will figure out that you mean business.
Now, will it stick? Good question. Many teens are frightfully disorganized at this age. I know my father went through it with me trying to get me to become organized and turn my work in... but you know what? I eventually did and it stuck. I am now very organized as an adult. If he had given up on me at age 12, it would have been a great disservice.
Does anybody here get paid money for making an attempt? Does anybody here get paid for 18 weeks (one semester) while only doing 1-2 weeks of work? I think failing is important. It helped me learn responsiblity and priorities than being given 2nd , 3rd, 4th...chances to do very average work. Let teachers give partial credit for partial work.
This may be the type of personality he has. Not everyone is a high achiever academically. He may be able to find what he really likes to do and apply himself to that. Does he display any particular talents or special interests ?
Or, it may be that the only way he'll learn is in the "School of Hard Knocks" via life lessons. Disappointing as a parent, but there may be nothing else you can do.
Is summer school free where you live? In my town parents have to pay to send their children (which I happen to agree with). Therefore it becomes a burden not just for the child who loses out on summer vacation, but also for the parents who have to cough up the money.
I wouldn't accept summer school as an alternative to passing during the school year, unless the student was able to pay the costs. If he had to repeat the classes next year, oh well, tough!
We would have to pay for summer school. He attends a parochial school. If we were to do this, the money he would have had for cool summer camps (we allocate an amount per child) would have to be used for that. He would hate it.
However, this discussion has helped me see that summer school may not be the answer. I need to get on him NOW. I am SO frustrated because our other children work. A work ethic is something we believe in. Maybe we are too hard, but I don't think so. Frankly, our kids have a good life. So long as they go to school, try hard and are respectful, stay in one activity (and we don't care if it is scouts, fencing, football or pottery club!) and do basic chores they get a very comfortable home, a lot of support and many creature comforts. In my view, he is falling short on effort. My husband said this long ago and I intervened and said he was being too hard on him. I see why he was pushing him a bit 2 years ago and in retrospect should have backed up 'dad'.
This just might be his personality, but I fear the future for him and I fear him selling himself short of opportunities later. Again, some of our kids work their tails off and get Cs, some get straight As. The end grade is not the issue, we are proud of them all. The effort is what matters...and he is not putting forth one.
On the flip side (because I do believe in praising kids) he is a good citizen, nice kid (never a bystander when stuff is unfair, defends the little guy, etc.) and pretty joyful. I want to hug him and throttle him all at once! I just cannot understand why doing better is not important to him.
Please keep the advice coming. I am thick skinned and can take it! Plus I love hearing different view points!
Taben
You cannot force someone to want to achieve or be passionate about school work. He does not appear to be in danger of not graduating so let him find his own drive even if it isn't until community college or a post high school job.
Same would go for Eagle Scout. I have been on two boards of review and take it fairly seriously, and I can tell you that there is no real point to being forced to complete your Eagle Scout project. Ambition, passion and drive are great but they need to be found, not forced. Sounds like your kid is a good person even if he isn't passionate about his schoolwork, yet.
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