Regretting our big move...

[milwaukeegirl]

Summerwinter, I hear what you are saying about the long winters in Wisconsin and not seeing the rest of the country. However, I still contend that a supportive extended family is more important than traveling, seeing an ocean or warmer winters.

I still miss Wisconsin, even after twenty years. It's a gorgeous state despite having no mountains or ocean. Since living in the South and now especially Texas, I have come to appreciate all those beautiful little lakes and vast forests Wisconsin has to offer. The weather doesn't stop most people up there- I have a 55 year old brother and wife that hike no matter the weather (snowshoes!) My extended family up there goes to a lake house all year round. Last year they played in a charity golf tournament with neon-colored golf balls on a frozen lake in January!

[gigimac]

Dear Tangerine,
Wow, I've been in almost the same situation as you find yourself in. My first husband and I went to college in a small town, I never wanted to leave. To this day, I still want to go back, and I'm 60. We moved to "the big city" for job opportunity, I did not like it, his parents walked all over us, and he would not stand up to them when they said bad things. We divorced, I got a second degree, and I moved ASAP where my career took me.

If I had to do it all over again, I would have been more mature and independent about the whole thing and would have told husband how sad I was that he wouldn't stand up to his parents. I would have requested that he sit down with them and explain how their behavior was hurting me, and I would have requested he back me up when they contradicted me. At the very least, I would have made him SEE what they were doing to me. And I would have moved back to our college town and we could have just gotten some sort of jobs, and I would have encouraged him to do SOMEthing with his particular degree or go back and get a second one... you know, made a plan that would suit him.

I liked the advice another poster gave, your husband's "out" is to lie, he can say he found a really good-paying job back in Wisconsin, and then pack up and go. But before he goes, he should consider talking to his father about how scary that was when he trashed you, irregardless the circumstances. And he can tell him that since your folks would have had to fly out to see you, his folks can do the same if they want to see him. And besides, he's been in Wisconsin all this time anyway, so things will just go back like they were.

But the MAIN factor here, unlike myself, is you are going to have a child. This is a BIG deal, and you two need to be happy, supported, and in familiar surroundings. You didn't sign up to have a baby in a place you don't like with no family and a scary father-in-law. You didn't know you wouldn't like being away from your family so much. YOU ARE ONLY 22. You're not ready to go other places right now. Besides, you LIKE Wisconsin, both of you are from there, you TRIED Texas and it didn't work, in a real big way.

I think once your husband gets on the same page with you, especially if he will put HIS BABY and you FIRST, and he hopefully stands up to his father properly, just think of all the wonderful daydreams you two can have about finding a little place in Wisconsin you would like to raise a child in, having old friends and your family to help with the baby, and how great Christmas will be at home, walking hand-in-hand on the old college campus, and eventually he'll find a job in his FIELD... see, colleges all have a career department, where they help their graduates find jobs locally that pay well and resembles their degree... or he can go for a second one, maybe night courses so he can work, and if not, then as soon as you can get back on your feet and work enough to pay the bills until he has enough degrees to hit the paycheck out of the ballpark.

I think today you should begin the talks that will bring your husband to your side, even if you have to stand on your head. And if he ain't got it in him to talk plain to his father, let that go... it's the moving back that counts. You need to be with your family, hon, bottom line. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to live where you used to go to college together, in familiar surroundings, especially when it comes to YOUR comfort and you all's baby. And once he commits to leaving, you should be as kind and helpful and supportive as you can, from here out, but always express your own feelings, too.

I can't wait to hear when you post back real soon that you guys are gonna go ahead and move back to Wisconsin. And your husband will just have to bite the bullet with his father and untangle himself from that. Make sure your husband WANTS to move back, too. You don't want him to resent the whole thing. You two work it out, be calm and communicative and hopeful together in your talks, don't nag. But I just feel it in my bones, you're gonna enjoy XMAS IN WISCONSIN!!! HOORAY!!! Snow, Xmas lights, fireplace going, snuggling in your new place.... DREAMY.
God speed. GG

[MsAli]

i concur with a lot of the advice here. times like this are extremely difficult, take a deep breath, pray, meditate, get your words in order and discuss with the hubster.

i tend to agree, moving to place neutral to ALL family, to me, will prove to be a good idea. think about it, your family loves you as much as his family loves him. someone will always have something to say that will offend SOMEONE. Believe me, i know first hand.

take sometime, do some research on different areas that share your ideals/aspirations and outlook on your career, etc. move away, plant roots somewhere, raise your child and enjoy your family!

you're moving in the right direction, your playing this in your head, now its time to execute! but remember, no matter where you go, there you are. sometimes the solution is to move nowhere and be still. happiness is internal first, eternal second.

good luck and God bless!!!

[summerwriter]

Originally Posted by milwaukeegirl

Summerwinter, I hear what you are saying about the long winters in Wisconsin and not seeing the rest of the country. However, I still contend that a supportive extended family is more important than traveling, seeing an ocean or warmer winters.

I still miss Wisconsin, even after twenty years. It's a gorgeous state despite having no mountains or ocean. Since living in the South and now especially Texas, I have come to appreciate all those beautiful little lakes and vast forests Wisconsin has to offer. The weather doesn't stop most people up there- I have a 55 year old brother and wife that hike no matter the weather (snowshoes!) My extended family up there goes to a lake house all year round. Last year they played in a charity golf tournament with neon-colored golf balls on a frozen lake in January!

Yes, family is important, but you shouldn't HAVE to live where they are. Young people can survive on their own while out seeing the country. My husband and I have been on our own and away from WI for 12 years and haven't regretted a minute of it. We've spent a few months in the Midwest at times, helping take care of my parents when they've had health issues or regrouping between moves, but we've been "out and about" other than that. You have to live your own life and not let where your parents/grandparents wanted to settle determine your life path. Just my two (maybe 20?) cents, lol. We were in WI this summer to visit family and yes, it was beautiful. But just to visit! I was happy that I got to leave the state at the end of the visit, ha ha ha.

[DowntownVentura]

Tangerine, I think the things your FIL said to you are horrible.All I can say is I sure hope everything works out for you.

[B4U]

Original O.P., (I'm not going to address you personally, as I would say this to anyone, based on my own experience, when I was very, very young; like you)
BUCK UP!
YOU are this child's future. This is no longer about YOU. No matter where you are, or who you are with or without, this is about the future and that child, NOT the past, or you.
Find the beauty in wherever you are. And teach you child.
You've been given an opportunity. You have the chance to become YOUR OWN person, unfortunately or fortunately with another life in the mix.
You have to learn that you have to do what's best for the both of you NOW! Not when you feel like it, or when it's more convienient. Not what your family says what's good for you.

Obviously you got married too young & know this, but won't admit it to yourself or us, but now is the time to face it, and think BIGGER than yourself & today and your father-inlaw.
Your father-inlaw is not your problem. He is an example; a test of the intestinal fortitude you'll need to raise yourself & your child to be a strong, intelligent & efficient human being.

I wouldn't advise you to go back to your family; you are looking for an easy way out in that direction. And if they truely support you and want the best for you; they'll support you no matter where you are.

Again I say, "BUCK UP". Tell your father-inlaw (& husband, if need be-he seems to need some growing up as well) you are going to do what's best for your child & raise him/her as you see fit. They are part of his legacy and no matter what, that won't change. Tell him, (your father-inlaw) you EXPECT & yes, are ENTITLED, to all that he would give to his heirs, no matter what that child becomes or where you are, or what his son decides.
(Father's can come & go, but a mother is always a mother, dear one. BUCK UP & be a woman your child & you would be proud of.)