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Good luck. Don't expect them to be receptive to change. I was trying to help my Mom, she was just really being enabled by me. I realized this, and moved on with my life. She needed my help, financially for several months, but she did get a job, finally. If I had been there, she would not have. Make it a clean break. Plan it, execute it, do it.
I am not much for writing letters, so if it were me, I would get everything situated first. Find your new location with your company and find a place to live. I would let your family know that within the next two months that they would be on their own and they need to make arrangements. When the time comes, have a family meeting to remind them that you are leaving. If you are renting and the rental is in your name, let your landlord know that you have been transferred and that you will no longer be responsible for the rent. Take a look at your lease to make sure there is no problem. You don't want creditors calling.
This should be an exciting time for you. You are at the perfect age to make these changes and to get on with your life. At some point, your family will thank you. If not, remember that you did more for them than anyone else.
Do not put this off. You don't want to be your mother's age and still have your brother and sister living with you and all you have is a job and an apartment.
My mother is 64 years old. I totally want to support her, and will do my best to make sure that she is taken care of. I am half Canadian and half Greek. My Moms side is the Canadian. It seems to be that mooching is just the case...I don't mind my mother mooching, because shes my mother.
I like the idea of setting her up in a small apartment and getting her benefits...etc...This could work...but my sister wants to stay with her too..which could be a good thing, but she does not want to work in the city we live, and my mother does not want to leave the city....Its a mess...
I do have another sister who lives in California, who is self sufficient. She is advising that I just get up and leave...For years I've told them "we need a plan, we need to do something different"...no one is listening to me..
The biggest thing I think is the guilt I feel...Like I owe them something because I've been blessed with a good job and making money...
P.S.
I really appreciate you guys taking the time and giving me advice, I have never talked to anyone outside of my family about this.
First, Congrats on your promotion. I am sorry that it is also a cause of internal conflict for you because of your living situation. Here are my suggestions. And feel free to DM me....
What a sad situation that your Mother, brother and sister have put you in. I would discuss things w/ only your Mother.
You have got to save yourself, what you have done w/out meaning to is allow them to become dependent on you....you have to stop, or they will never be able to fend for themselves, and you will never have your full potential.
Get your Mother situated...call 211 it is a resource number available in as I understand it, all states. RE: The 211 number...ask what senior services numbers are available for housing, for food stamps, for medical she may already have medical) or what general number you should call to locate the state senior services programs. Also, when you are on the phone w/ 211 ask what programs are available for seniors on disability.
Help her apply to the various programs available for disabled seniors. There are probably senior resource programs in your area. She will qualify both by age and disability status. You will find out those w/ the 211 number you call, or simply go online for your statr and look for senior service, or senior resources, or disability resources.
Your Sister and Brother may not be allowed to live w/ her if she is on a public housing program...but they could both apply on their own.
Get a calendar, hang it up....mark off a timeline. Start by calling these various agencies, scheduling appointments for your Mom. Rent a storage unit, and start putting your things there. Start preparing for your move...If you Brother and Sister see evidence of your moving, they may have to take some sort of action.
I am fearful for you that they may try very hard to sabotage your move,
prepare yourself for that. Have your own needs taken care of....and you may need to get your Mom settled first or you may not be able to do this, it is probably the hardest thing you'll ever do.
Is your Mom able to live on her own?? Is there need for daily care, i.e. a nursing home?? or Caregiver?? There are programs in most states where family members can often become the cargiver for a disabled family member. Your sis should ask about being your Mom's caregiver...she would receive a monthly allowance for helping your Mom. Your Brother works....can he afford an apartment??
The other thing, get an ombudsman, or a guardian for your Mom...someone that helps w/ her disability, that will keep your siblings from having any control or say over her disability checks. It also will involve the system w/ your Mom, a sort of checks and balances type situation....will keep again, your siblings from being able to take advantage.
Put these things to a test...get things rolling, and than you will feel better when you do leave..... You start a timeline, get things things started asap...line things out. Make your Sister drive your Mom to the appointments, make your Brother take your Mom to her appointments...Be busy.
Is it possible for her to move back to Canada?? Would she get better help there soc service programs?? The other option...where you are transferring....would there be more available opportunities for your Mom re housing or programs for disabled??
Do you have any family to help you locally to get these things going??
Your only other option is to stay where you are, even w/ a good promotion, but move out....and have the things in place that I mentioned.
At least you would be able to see that Your Mom is ok....and you would not be getting taken advantage of.
What a horrible situation, your are in such a tough place for a caring person to find themselves in. I truly feel for you. Good luck, but get started right away, your resolve will strengthen if you find out there is help out there. Keep us posted. You are doing the right thing, you have been more than supportive to your family.
Ask yourself, do you want to still be doing this when you're 50?
Also ask yourself do you want a healthy relationship of your own? If you already have someone is it really fair to them what you are doing? If you don't I personally don't know any sane, rational non-desperate people who would willingly put up with a partner who financially supports deadbeat family members even if they have the means to do so, much less marry them. Flipping mom a few dollars when things get tight is one thing, but as for your siblings time to close the checkbook.
My mother collects Social Security, my brother (30) works but does not pay anything, my sister (31) is not working and says she wont. None of them are disabled - this is what frustrates me the most.
I straight up said "I'm leaving"...but no one believes me. I am looking into a food assistance program for my mom. I have offered to pay some of their expenses - up to $1k a month, but that won't be enough.
Whats best for me is to not worry about this anymore and just leave. I would feel terrible if I just picked up and left...its more difficult when family is involved.
Don't walk away, RUN away. Bro and Sis will be fine. Mom has them. I have a feeling that you are worried that your brother will go back to drugs and your mom will lose it, but it isn't your lot in life to make sure everyone is stable. It sounds like you were the parent to all three of them. It's honorable, but not healthy. You sound like a terrific person who is very worthy of having a happy life of your own. It's time for you to do you, as they say.
Amen to previous poster.
I gently suggest that OP get rid of the word "abandon" in these considerations. There is no abandonment, certainly not of the sister and brother, and mom seems very entangled with them and their pathologies. Maybe OP could have a talk with his sister who moved away and is fine on her own- she must have figured out how to escape the pathologic entanglements and behavior.
Best wishes to OP- obviously an honorable person, and there are those who will endlessly take advantage of that honorable attitude. Congratulations on the new job and getting ready for your well-earned new life!
Unless you put your foot down, and stick to it, you will be supporting them for the rest of your life. Seems to me this is your chance to get out. I don't mean this to sound harsh because your intentions have been good - but supporting them on your own for so long has enabled your brother & sister to be lazy and take advantage of you. In the long run, it will be better for all of you if you stop paying their way, and move on with your life. If they want to survive, they will find jobs and learn to pay their own way.
Location: Temporarily in Niagara Falls, Ont. Canada
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I'm in a similar situation. Not financially, but my parents guilted me into moving back to a city I hate and that has no future for me. I had to take a huge pay cut and am absolutely miserable living here. However, my elderly parents (80 and 86) love having me around - if anything for moral support and just not being alone. They wanted me around to help them around the house, etc, but oddly enough, when I try to help, they insist on proving they can still do things themselves (give your mother another 15 or 20 years and she'll probably be like that too).I keep moving away to a places I like but they keep convincing me to move back - 4 times now over the last 20 years (I'm 39).
I started a thread on my question, and just as you have received unanimous support to break free and live your own life, I too received the same advice - move to where you want and live your own life. Perhaps us folks here on CD are of a different mindset, as we like moving and have an interest in cities. I struggled with the idea of leaving my parents as they are getting weak and frail as their health deteriorates. But they are financially capable of supporting themselves. Your mother is not, by the sounds of it. I agree, it's up to you if you want to continue supporting her. That's a very nice gesture, and what goes around comes around in the form of karma.
Although you are certainly not obliged to support you mother, you can. I'm sure you would feel awful if you cut off the support she has become accustomed to getting and became homeless. Setting her up with a small apartment (with only room for her and not your siblings) sounds like a great idea. You sound like a very kind and caring person who has a hard time saying no, like myself. As others have suggested, give them notice that you really are moving, set a date and stick to it. Tell your siblings they will need to fend for themselves after that date as they are perfectly capable of it. By giving them 6 months notice, that's plenty of time for them to get a job, move in to their own place or with a boyfriend/girlfriend, get a job or welfare, etc.
The biggest thing I think is the guilt I feel...Like I owe them something because I've been blessed with a good job and making money...
Don't buy into this guilt trip they are laying on you. This is what they are counting on. This is one of those cases where doing the right thing won't feel good. It may feel awful, but it is the right thing. They have been completely unwilling to take care of themselves. They will only take action when they are in a crisis, and maybe not even then, so let them learn the hard way (or not). You are NOT responsible for them. You'll need to keep repeating that to yourself often, I suspect.
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