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Hey all, I just wanted to gauge your ideas and experiences on this.
I'm in my mid-40s, married, one very young child. I've lived in the greater NYC area for many years, and for my whole life, I thought I'd be here until I got old and then died. And while that's still a possibility, in the recent past, I've begun to consider moving to another state.
Over the past few years, friends and acquaintances of close to my age made similar moves. Whether work or a new beginning or a combination of factors, they left for faraway states. Some of them were very settled down; they owned houses, etc., but circumstances led them to sell their homes and begin anew.
I don't "need" to move, but I've begun to wonder whether a move to an area with lower costs of living mght be worth it. I am aware that any such move has gains and losses; whatever my wife, child, and I gain in terms of greater living space at a lower monthly payment, lower taxes, warmer weather, etc., we will lose in being far away from our friends. I know this is a major decision one doesn't make lightly, and certainly, being in one's mid-40s has a lot more to consider than being in one's early 20s.
The social factor always comes up when one moves, and for me, while I'd miss people here, I don't think it holds me back as it might have 5 or 10 years ago. In the past few years, I got married and had a child, and since then, life has been so routine-oriented I am almost always either at home or doing family-related errands on weekends. The overwhelming majority of male friends/acquaintances I've had in the past 10 years or so got married far earlier than I did (I have friends and acquaintances 1-3 years older than me who have kids in junior high school or high school - in contrast, my only child is a few years away from elementary school).
A confluence of factors, including me settling down and no longer having the freedom of singleness, and other people being busy with their own families/children, has essentially killed my social life. Guys I know who got married only a few years before I did have very young kids as well, and their weekends are consumed by wives, children, and household requirements. It's the same with me - every weekend is wife, kids, and something related to the home. Therefore, for me to get together with the guys, I organize a men's gathering 1-2 times a year, and oftentimes at least a few of the men can't attend because of something that comes up.
In short, I'm at a point in my life where the social life I had only a few years ago - hanging out, drinking on occasion, and meeting single women (not to sleep around, but because I wanted to marry) - is ancient history. Many of the other men who are in a similar life stage as I am are essentially grounded as well.
The psychological impact of being states away from these guys as opposed to a 10 or 20 minute drive would only hit me if I truly were to relocate. But given my priorities now, while I'd miss them, my family's needs come first.
I've seen towns elsewhere with real estate prices in decent towns with good schools that boggle this lifelong New Yorker. Prices that would barely get anything even decent here can bring very large and clean houses elsewhere.
My wife has more friends than I do here and she would surely miss them, but she's also quite the pragmatist and if a move became possible with circumstances that we both deemed worth it, she'd agree to it.
So... who here has moved in their mid-40s (or early 40s or even late 30s) to another state, why did you move, and how did it turn out?
Hey all, I just wanted to gauge your ideas and experiences on this...
why did you move, and how did it turn out?
It all comes down to the jobs. Income vs Outgo and Surplus.
If you can match NYC income in a low COL area... then the money end is better.
If you are forced to have a low COL salary in a low COL area... it's mostly a wash.
Do you have recruiters lined up offering you sweet all expense paid relocation packages
because of that specialized skill and experience you have?
It all comes down to the jobs. Income vs Outgo and Surplus.
If you can match NYC income in a low COL area... then the money end is better.
If you are forced to have a low COL salary in a low COL area... it's mostly a wash.
Do you have recruiters lined up offering you sweet all expense paid relocation packages
because of that specialized skill and experience you have?
It's possible I could relocate and work remotely from home; we have some folks in our company with that arrangement, with (as you say) NYC income.
I have lived all over the world and it's an education. I love NYC but I also know I can't afford to live there. My SO and his cousin(also lives here), are both NYC natives. SO says he would not move back because it is too expensive and things have changed there. His cousin would like to live there but can't afford it. I often say we have so many New Yorkers here that you can't toss a rock without hitting one. The main reason why most moved was money, followed by weather.
I last moved at 53. And if an opportunity comes up, I would move again. I see moving as an adventure. Sort of a do-over and a chance to reinvent yourself. I moved here from MN. After 15 half year long winters I had had enough. I am glad I moved. You don't have to shovel sunshine. My yard work for the year is usually a gallon of Roundup. I moved to MN from UT back in 1995.
I have questions for you to consider. One, will you be financially set to retire and stay there and is that what you see yourself wanting when you are older? Next, how much of your spare time do you spend doing things that are ONLY available in NYC? Like MOMA, Broadway, or opera/symphony etc?
If your answers are no or not much then you should go see something else. Move. New place to explore and new things to do.
I have lived all over the world and it's an education. I love NYC but I also know I can't afford to live there. My SO and his cousin(also lives here), are both NYC natives. SO says he would not move back because it is too expensive and things have changed there. His cousin would like to live there but can't afford it. I often say we have so many New Yorkers here that you can't toss a rock without hitting one. The main reason why most moved was money, followed by weather.
I last moved at 53. And if an opportunity comes up, I would move again. I see moving as an adventure. Sort of a do-over and a chance to reinvent yourself. I moved here from MN. After 15 half year long winters I had had enough. I am glad I moved. You don't have to shovel sunshine. My yard work for the year is usually a gallon of Roundup. I moved to MN from UT back in 1995.
I have questions for you to consider. One, will you be financially set to retire and stay there and is that what you see yourself wanting when you are older? Next, how much of your spare time do you spend doing things that are ONLY available in NYC? Like MOMA, Broadway, or opera/symphony etc?
If your answers are no or not much then you should go see something else. Move. New place to explore and new things to do.
My retirement is progressing apace. And, I frankly do not need the "NYC-only" things you mentioned such as MOMA (or the Metropolitan Museum of Art), Broadway, opera, symphony. I'd miss the diversity in food a lot more. I'm a suburban dad/husband; I live very close to NYC but not in NYC and have for more than 1 decade now (years before I got married) become accustomed to living in a quiet, small, and greenish town with families. No need for drunken partiers screaming or cars honking when I go to bed.
An extended road trip poking around in the corners and talking to locals and listening to what is being said,
both out loud and the mumbled too, and try to make an informed reason to choose town X (vs Y or Z).
More generally though, if you don't have a solid reason to move to Syracuse specifically
(vs Buffalo or Albany)... then don't BUY in Syracuse before you have developed those reasons.
I'm moving at 67. Husband and I really thought we'd retire here. A nasty lawsuit with state bureaucrats has changed all that. We aren't willing to put up with it any more. And, since I will be retiring too, we need a lower cost of living.
I've worked from home for three years and I really have enjoyed it. I'm more productive than I am when I go to the office. I have typically gone to the office maybe once a year for meetings. If you could work out a way to telecommute, you might try that. I don't know about taxes in NY. My company is in OR and they withhold state taxes. I live in WA state, with no state taxes. I file OR state returns and I get back everything except the time I am actually at the office. NY may have something similar.
It sounds like you are stuck in a rut. I am single. Life would be easier if I were married. I probably would not be moving if I were married because of our purchasing power.
I think you should travel. It may be a little more difficult because you have a family but it is feasible.
Why don't you do fun things with your family? Perhaps you can do these activites with other families.
I've moved several times for career reasons--twice in my 30's and once in my 40's.
My most recent move was out of the desire to relocate back to a part of the country that I liked to live in and was close to both DH's family (Detroit) and my family (Syracuse). I was 46 when I made the move here in 2016 so that counts as mid-40s
It's easier to make a major move with a very young child who is not yet in school or who has just started school. When they are older they tend to get upset about moving away from friends. My dad took a lot of job transfers when me and my siblings were growing up. I personally loved the constant change but my siblings didn't like it and it was especially tough on my brother who is not into change at all.
You do find yourself missing some of the people from your old location, particularly if you have known them a long time. It's not as acute when you are older I think since usually you aren't hanging out with them all of the time and have your own family and such. I do miss people that I met in various places I have lived but I don't dwell on it. It didn't stop me from moving.
It's also an adjustment in terms of the THINGS you were used to in your old location that you don't have in the new place. When my job transferred me to the South, I really missed good Italian food, snow, delis, Wegman's, etc. It felt strange. There are going to be things that you hate about the new location and things that you really like about it. I'm loving the COL here but the job market kinda sucks...so even though I love it overall here it's not perfect. Speaking of COL, pretty much anywhere else you go will be less spendy than NYC. My location is probably an extreme example but I have a townhouse that is almost 3000 sq ft for $850/month...and that is considered expensive here
As others have said, definitely take some weekend trips to places that you are considering relocating to. Also think about what kind of places you would be interested in--cities, rural, 'burbs, etc. It also helps to consider what regions of the country you would consider as well. It's a major decision so take time to think it over and involve your SO.
I don't know if this will help, since I am addressing the psychological factors in moving, but at 60 after living in Baltimore all my life, I picked up and moved to Huntsville, Alabama. It was the best decision I ever made. I got rid of or donated most things and intentionally moved in a car with what I needed. My fears were, coming from a large NE city, was that after a few months, the charm of a small Southern city would wear off. It's been the opposite; the more I stay, the more enchanting Huntsville is. Now Huntsville is atypical for Alabama cities; it has a huge aerospace and defense-related research workforce, which means the percentage of advanced degree holders in high. This means that Huntsville has all the shopping you might get in an NE city: Whole Foods, etc. But it also has blue-collar Southern feel too. COL is dirt cheap; I have a 1BR nicely furnished apartment for $528 a month. I would encourage you, in general, to look at the South if you are looking for low COL and high quality of life. When my northern friends ask when I am coming to visit, I reply, "Only if shackled and cuffed." Best of luck with whatever decision you make.
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