Grandparents with strong opposing views? (kids, old, child, son)
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Have any of you dealt with your parents holding strong views that oppose yours concerning your children? Mainly I'm curious about opposing religious views, but the conflict resolution could apply to any major life views, such as lifestyle etc.
How did you resolve the issue (if you did)? Any pointers are appreciated. So far I have tried to be diplomatic and calm about it all. As my issue is related to religion I have told my parent in question that I do not mind if they share their religious views, but that I would appreciate it if they did not use absolutes (this is how this happened, god did this, etc) but rather qualified statements with "I believe this" or "this is what I believe" since children can often take the words of "authority" figures as the absolute truth. My children are exposed to many differing religious views in the world, and they usually talk to me about them, it just seems to me that a parent should have the right to ask relatives or friends to not use absolutes when mentioning religious topics. Do you agree or disagree?
Is Creationism an issue? It really doesn't matter, I suppose.
I don't have any good ideas for you. The discussions on Christianity v 'Other Belief Systems' never end. I don't know how old your child is but at some point hopefully he/she will have enough understanding of your family values to be respectful of other beliefs but not feel confused.
I totally disagree with my parent's religious views - they're evangelical Christians who tell me I'm going to hell and my children are a sign of the end times (because I'm gay and we had the children through egg donor/surrogate) Luckily, they live a thousand miles away. I guess that's my solution, and they haven't seen our children other than e-mailed pictures.
My relationship with my parents is distant, and when I call my mom, every converstation turns to her church, her religion, etc., which I can't stand. I honestly wouldn't trust my own parents to take care of my kids because she's just so wacky about religion and how "right" she is about it all. That's not how I want to raise my kids.
No, I personally believe in some form of creationism, however I emphasize to my children that they can believe as they choose, and that they do not need to decide on any one belief at this point (nor in the future actually). I just don't like people telling my children "this is how it is", but I have no problems with them saying "this is what I believe". Although my children are still quite young (6 & 7), they are quite mature in the area of religious viewpoints, though much more so for my 7 yr old. They have never expressed confusion over what others have told them, though have said "well so and so told me this" like it's the gospel truth, and I simply tell them "that's what they believe, and that's fine", which usually leads them to ask me if I believe that, and I answer them honestly (somethings I do, somethings I don't).
But really I'm mainly curious to how the broad aspects of this are dealt with by people. It is probably a more common example to ask about differences in opinion regarding discipline or education .
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It depends on the issue. If it's a big issue and the relatives are harping on it, we declare the subject off limits. For example, we're Catholic (or insert any religion here) and one favorite uncle is completely against Catholics. In that case, he's not allowed to discuss his religious views with the kids--particularly because it's not that he's just against the religion per se, he's against Catholics in general, which the kids are...so when he starts criticizing the religion, they take it personally. If he does bring the subject up, we change the subject, will leave, and/or limit contact with him. We'll also tell him (in front of the kids) something like you're entitled to worship how you choose--and so are we. Privately, we explain to the kids why we believe what we do.
If it's not a big deal, we just tell the kids that that's Grandma's opinion and we happen to disagree with it.
In both cases, we stress that we love that relative but disagree with their opinion. We stress that we all have our own perceptions and that eventually they will even disagree with us (their parents) and we'll still love each other and be a family
In both cases, we stress that we love that relative but disagree with their opinion. We stress that we all have our own perceptions and that eventually they will even disagree with us (their parents) and we'll still love each other and be a family
That's a good point, one which I have failed to mention enough I think. I will be sure to remind them that we love this person and they love us (even when their comments are sometimes cruel and inappropriate for children to hear).
Thankfully, this isn't as much an issue now as it was when our son was younger (he is now almost 15). We left a very strict religion that was absolute in the belief that they are the only ones who know the truth. Both my husband and I grew up in this, what I would consider almost cult, from birth to about the time our son was two.
We are now atheist.
We are very, very open and always have been with our son about where we came from, what we believe now, and what others believe.
We have told him he needs to figure things out for himself. Look into other religions - even if it's from an historical point of view, to learn about different views.
And we've always taught him to be respectful of others beliefs.
It's all just a matter of having open, often talks with your children.
When he was littler it was harder - they thought we were horrible for what we were doing and believed and we would hear sly comments not just from my husbands parents, but from his sisters kids. For kids who supposedly were growing up in a religious environment, they weren't very nice.
It's harder for them to dispute things now as we have a wonderful young man who is kind, a good student, hard worker - has great values and didn't need religion in order to instill that.
I really respect people who truly live in a certain way that they believe with all their hearts. And those who can respect others even when they have opposing views.
So like I said, talk to them, talk to them, talk to them.
But really I'm mainly curious to how the broad aspects of this are dealt with by people. It is probably a more common example to ask about differences in opinion regarding discipline or education .
In all of these areas my wife and I have followed a simple plicy with grandparents, greatgrandparents etc.We simply politely state "Liam is our child, and we do not want this subject discussed/ type of punishment imposed/ viewpoint expressed to him, if you can't do that we will have to decide that you guys can't be with him without our being there" Now this was said only as a last resort, and has only been said a couple of times, but it has always worked.
I will be sure to remind them that we love this person and they love us (even when their comments are sometimes cruel and inappropriate for children to hear).
I wouldn't take my kids near anyone who makes cruel and inappropriate comments, don't care who it is.
They raised their kids. It's your turn now.
You need to protect the kids against stuff like this IMHO.
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