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Yesterday I stopped by a casual friend's house to drop off a Christmas card, and we were just chatting a while and I had mentioned that I was making most of my gifts this year because money was tight and I hadn't been able to get as many subbing jobs. I wasn't moaning or complaining... but after I got home from my errands this person had dropped off a card and $100 to "bless" me with. I did not feel blessed at all. I felt humiliated and mortified and want to give the money back, but my husband won't let me and neither will the friend. I know she wouldn't have done this if I hadn't said ANYTHING about finances and I'm kicking myself for opening my big mouth. All I can do is burst into tears at the thought of someone pitying us so much that they felt that we needed a cash handout. I refuse to be a "charity case" and though some say to look at this as a "blessing" I find it a reminder of how I'm viewed as a poor trailer trash person. Am I wrong in feeling that this is given out of pity and not generosity. I'm sure she meant well but this has made me feel wretched, not blessed. Yes I have pride, and while we are not rich, neither are we beggars and in need of hand outs.
and no, I cannot donate the money to charity or church as I had intended.. my husband will not let me.
No, my husband will spend it on gaming or computer stuff.. he said it's rude to refuse a gift. I'm already planning on giving them gifts to equal the amount given, since she's been battling a tumor and they don't have a ton of money themselves (another thing that made me feel even more guilty).. plus my husband says I brought this on myself by saying anything about money in the first place. I just feel that gift giving comes with obligations and I don't want to be a recipient of pity or even perceived need from someone who would normally have given us a card as usual. Thanks for the response.
No, my husband will spend it on gaming or computer stuff.. he said it's rude to refuse a gift. I'm already planning on giving them gifts to equal the amount given, since she's been battling a tumor and they don't have a ton of money themselves (another thing that made me feel even more guilty).. plus my husband says I brought this on myself by saying anything about money in the first place. I just feel that gift giving comes with obligations and I don't want to be a recipient of pity or even perceived need from someone who would normally have given us a card as usual. Thanks for the response.
It sounds like there is more of an issue with your relationship and your husband's spending habits than with accepting a gift that was freely given. Look upon the gift as the blessing it was meant to be, and have a serious sit-down with your husband about priorities.
It sounds like there is more of an issue with your relationship and your husband's spending habits than with accepting a gift that was freely given. Look upon the gift as the blessing it was meant to be, and have a serious sit-down with your husband about priorities.
No, my husband will spend it on gaming or computer stuff.. he said it's rude to refuse a gift. I'm already planning on giving them gifts to equal the amount given, since she's been battling a tumor and they don't have a ton of money themselves (another thing that made me feel even more guilty).. plus my husband says I brought this on myself by saying anything about money in the first place. I just feel that gift giving comes with obligations and I don't want to be a recipient of pity or even perceived need from someone who would normally have given us a card as usual. Thanks for the response.
It really makes me sad when I read things like that above that I put in bold. Gift giving should not come with obligations, and should never be thought of as such. Gifts are gifts, they are not loans that need to repaid in kind.
Until recently, my family was so poor we never had two nickles to rub together. We are still living below the poverty line, but we have what we need and get it when we need it.
I am a giver. I give gifts all year long to those who fill my life with joy. I do so because I can and because I want to. I do not give hoping for something in return, I give because this is who I am.
Yesterday, out of the blue, one of my son's friends put $150. in my paypal account... he said he did it "just because", and that is what I do when I give gifts... I give them "just because".
Think of a monetary gift as a gift given from the heart. You touched your friend with your words. You do not have to spend a hundred dollars to "give back". There are still people in this world that like homemade gifts, do make her something special... maybe something she can use when she undergoes treatments.
It SHOULD be that way but often isn't. Most people expect something in return.They may not want to expect anything, but they do. Sometimes it's triggered by seeing that person giving someone else a gift or "wasting" money on something. That nagging thought springs to mind "they can do that but can't get me a gift of thanks?"
Just to be clear, I'm not saying that ALL people do that.
If she's got serious health problems, maybe this is empowering to her. It feels good to give, ya know? Being sick makes one feel so powerless and hopeless, and feeling like she did something nice for you could be a huge boost. Be gracious, and maybe spend a little more time with her since illness can be so isolating.
But definitely have that talk with your husband too. If money was tight and my S.O. wanted to spend an unexpected gift from a similarly strapped friend on gaming and computer stuff, I'd be taking a long look at my relationship.
I wouldn't feel humiliated. I would feel thankful that someone listened to my story and took the time to help me in their own small way. Receiving gifts is just as important has giving gifts.
If this person is a casual friend, then you did nothing wrong by confiding in them.
I personally never give a gift with the thought that I will receive anything in return other thank a "thank you."
I do have a question about your husband spending the money. If you guys are falling on hard times, why would he be spending all of the money on computer games and not something that you both need/want?
If she's got serious health problems, maybe this is empowering to her. It feels good to give, ya know? Being sick makes one feel so powerless and hopeless, and feeling like she did something nice for you could be a huge boost. Be gracious, and maybe spend a little more time with her since illness can be so isolating.
But definitely have that talk with your husband too. If money was tight and my S.O. wanted to spend an unexpected gift from a similarly strapped friend on gaming and computer stuff, I'd be taking a long look at my relationship.
There's wisdom in the responses you've received. The bolded sentence here happens to be something I'd like to add to. Returning a favor out of caring for the other person is better than doing so out of a sense of obligation. Your friend may have offered money because she perceived that this would help with a particular need, but there are ways to be charitable that don't have to involve monetary or material gifts. Most likely you can repay this favor with helpful acts, even, as JrzDefector suggests, just spending time with her, which will mean more to a sick friend than a material present ever could.
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