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I am 68 and have had a chance to observe a pretty good slice of life. It seems to me that losing a child would be the hardest loss to bear. I try to imagine it but I really cannot. A parent who has lost a child may eventually recover enough to find enjoyment in life, to appreciate good friends, to have interests which are worthwhile. But I believe that parent will never be the same as before; there is a core of sadness in the background. Some things just cannot be gotten over completely.
Losing an aged parent is part of the normal course of life, which is not the same as saying it is without grief and sadness. We all know that no one lives forever, that we will all die some day. We expect that we will bury our parents, whereas parents do not expect to bury their children. Once the aging parent has suffered a significant decline, be it physical or mental or both, then it would be cruel to wish for further "life" for that person. How much pain one has on the loss of a parent depends, in part, on how close one was to that parent. I was not especially close to either parent, although I was not estranged from them either. That is probably why I do not understand people who are totally devastated by the loss of an aging parent. Notice I intend no criticism or attack on such people; I am just saying I don't understand. Grieving, sadness, pain, a sense of loss - yes, that I understand. Total devastation I do not.
No, everyone deals with things differently. Ive know people to have a breakdown and be hospitalized after a loss. People can self destruct after a loss of a loved one or even a pet. I have one in the family that is close to needing managed care. Lost a loved one, sank into dispair, alcohol. Eventually lost job, car and the ability to deal with life. Its sad but it happens.
While it's not for others to decide how much grief is needed, the way it progresses still all depends on so many things..relationship to the person that died, your own emotional state, beliefs and customs in a culture,...but when you are in grief for months, years and make no headway and lock yourself up and sit and cry for days on end, professional help is needed I would think..grief is like a rollercoaster, you have better and worse days. When every day is worse, then there's a problem.
I think the opposite, maybe its just me because my mother's dead is still too fresh for me. She died a month ago and i cant not get over the fact she is gone. Like you said, i cant function and im sad everyday. I dont leave my house (just walk my dogs and come back). Everytime i want to laugh or do stuff i feel so guilty because i shouldnt, what i should do is to be sad and cry. I feel like if i do something im going to forgive her and that im disrespecting her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avalon08
Me too, Madonnafan, and my Mom died five months ago. And I really feel ridiculous because she was 89 so she lived a good, long life.....however, she died suddenly and unexpectedly from a fall that caused a massive brain injury. In a way I'm glad she didn't get dementia and go downhill her last few years as her siblings had.....but on the other hand, I'm still so upset, wondering if she was scared when she fell, wondering if she was conscious after she fell. It's just killing me. There is a grief support group not far from me, but I'm too depressed to even go to it. RIP to both our dear Moms.
There is nothing wrong with either of you for mourning your Moms. It doesn't matter how old they were when they died. This was the first person you ever knew.
I hope your grief eases up soon.
But madonnafan, you are NOT disrespecting your mother if you laugh a little or do things you want to do. Would your mother have wanted you to never smile again? I don't think so.
I am 68 and have had a chance to observe a pretty good slice of life. It seems to me that losing a child would be the hardest loss to bear. I try to imagine it but I really cannot. A parent who has lost a child may eventually recover enough to find enjoyment in life, to appreciate good friends, to have interests which are worthwhile. But I believe that parent will never be the same as before; there is a core of sadness in the background. Some things just cannot be gotten over completely.
Losing an aged parent is part of the normal course of life, which is not the same as saying it is without grief and sadness. We all know that no one lives forever, that we will all die some day. We expect that we will bury our parents, whereas parents do not expect to bury their children. Once the aging parent has suffered a significant decline, be it physical or mental or both, then it would be cruel to wish for further "life" for that person. How much pain one has on the loss of a parent depends, in part, on how close one was to that parent. I was not especially close to either parent, although I was not estranged from them either. That is probably why I do not understand people who are totally devastated by the loss of an aging parent. Notice I intend no criticism or attack on such people; I am just saying I don't understand. Grieving, sadness, pain, a sense of loss - yes, that I understand. Total devastation I do not.
I've also noticed a bizarre oddity in the attitude of some people who lost their parents at a younger age. Both my ex-husband and a close friend lost a parent when they were 13 and 14, respectively. Both times it was the father, and he was in his forties, and both times the parent was an alcoholic--one died of a heart attack, and the other died of complications of a head injury he'd received a year earlier getting mugged coming home from the bar. In MY opinion (which I kept to myself) both were pretty lame excuses for parents in the first place, nasty, abusive drunks, and I didn't understand the grief attached to deaths of parents like these, but then again, both people were teenagers when the fathers died.
But, both of these people have ZERO sympathy for their spouses/friends/acquaintances when an elderly parent died. They've both expressed their mystification at a person's grief when losing a parent who is in his or her eighties, as if there is some magical age at which one stops loving their parents sufficiently to grieve for them just because they got old.
When I told my ex that his friend's father died--so he could go and see him the way the friend had come over when my ex's mother died a few years earlier--he said, "What, am I supposed to feel bad for him or something? His father was 85 years old! My father died at 47. Instead of sitting there crying because his father's dead, he should be happy he had him for so long." I had no answer for that one, but then the WIFE of the guy whose father died said something similar (she was the one who lost her father at 13). She couldn't understand why her husband and his family were making such a big deal of the loss of their father, when, after all, he'd lived to be 85!
I've also noticed a bizarre oddity in the attitude of some people who lost their parents at a younger age. Both my ex-husband and a close friend lost a parent when they were 13 and 14, respectively. Both times it was the father, and he was in his forties, and both times the parent was an alcoholic--one died of a heart attack, and the other died of complications of a head injury he'd received a year earlier getting mugged coming home from the bar. In MY opinion (which I kept to myself) both were pretty lame excuses for parents in the first place, nasty, abusive drunks, and I didn't understand the grief attached to deaths of parents like these, but then again, both people were teenagers when the fathers died.
But, both of these people have ZERO sympathy for their spouses/friends/acquaintances when an elderly parent died. They've both expressed their mystification at a person's grief when losing a parent who is in his or her eighties, as if there is some magical age at which one stops loving their parents sufficiently to grieve for them just because they got old.
When I told my ex that his friend's father died--so he could go and see him the way the friend had come over when my ex's mother died a few years earlier--he said, "What, am I supposed to feel bad for him or something? His father was 85 years old! My father died at 47. Instead of sitting there crying because his father's dead, he should be happy he had him for so long." I had no answer for that one, but then the WIFE of the guy whose father died said something similar (she was the one who lost her father at 13). She couldn't understand why her husband and his family were making such a big deal of the loss of their father, when, after all, he'd lived to be 85!
Wow, that's interesting, MQ. Maybe your ex and the wife re-wrote their fathers in their minds, hence they became "perfect" fathers. Or, maybe they didn't really miss them much.
Sounds like pure jealousy on their part for people whose fathers were deeply loved and who had their father's love for many years. Remember, the ex and the wife can only fantasize about their lives with the "perfect" father. (maybe)
Who knows? That, IMO, is just not the way a "friend" should think. They should be sad that their friend is hurting so much. With "friends like that"....
Any time we judge someone else's grief, we're asking for trouble. We need to support each other, not compete for whose pain is worse! I call that grief-trumping. You know the scenario-
"My dad died."
"Oh yeah? Well BOTH my parents died. They were younger than yours, too. You should be happy he went quickly."
"I had a miscarriage."
"Well, I had TWO miscarriages. And a stillbirth!"
Not so comforting, right? I understand we need to relate to others through our own losses, but this type of one-upmanship is not the way. Step back, listen, and let them talk. It can hard, but resist the temptation to share your losses unless they ask. At the very least, wait awhile.
akm4 I like you. I so agree! I don't care who you are everyone has a story to tell and everyone deals with grief so different. I only know when something very bad happens in your life the only thing that truly helps is time. My mom was brutally murdered and stabbed 27 times eyes stabbed out died horribly and each of us kids took it differently. I had nightmares for years wanted to die for years just couldn't ever bring myself to kill myself. My sister had a great dream where my mom said she has to go she is at peace and she loves her. Finally when I had a child I had that dream and someone to care for that is uncondidtional and greater than anything I have ever imagined. Nobodys grief is worse than anyone else's. When it comes time you finally feel like you can live again but a part of you is gone. Its like an amptuation you learn to live with it cause you have no choice and its not that it doesnt' still hurt you adjust to it being in your life.
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