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I still don't see it. Maybe in a family that has problems with each other but in one that is loving and close I wouldn't understand the apprehension. Certainly many people in my family have died, I'm over 50 so I've seen plenty, but I've never seen something like this happen and know for a fact it would NOT be the case with me because I don't have attachments to household stuff. Certain special things maybe, but everything? Nope. If I wanted the tools to use for myself I might keep them, but not out of any since of nostalgia or for memories sake, especially if I knew it was something father/son discussed. I'd feel horrid.
This is what makes me think it a battle of will or something else.
I'm only posting my opinion on a public forum because that's the whole point of this thread. I'm not telling anyone what to do.
I share your observation on it really being a battle of will.
I share your observation on it really being a battle of will.
Yes, there might be a bit of a battle going on here, but I think that is healthy in a way. When a spouse dies, you are treading on uneven ground, viewing a new horizon.
You think, the stuff is still my stuff. No, you can't just take it. When I want to get rid of it, I'll get rid of it. I'll gift it, donate it, sell it, shred it, burn it and throw it in a dumpster.
Everyone needs to feel, have, a sense of control over their life.
I say just give him the tools. I imagine he should let you keep a few of the things that are household type tools and that your husband would use around the house.
I lost both of my parents and had a hard time giving up things. I am attaching something I wrote....
Memories Remain in the Heart.
by Robyn on Sunday, December 5, 2010 at 1:47pm ·
I am going to have to remember and steadily remind myself that memories remain in our hearts.
I used to have a bust that my mother made when I was a little girl. It was of a beautiful young woman. I cherished that thing. It seemed like when I touched it, it took me to her, to my mother. It made me remember everything about her and how very much I loved her.
One day it was broken and my heart broke with it. I saw the pieces of that bust shatter to the ground in so many pieces and I wept. It was gone, just like my mother. My mother created that thing with her own hands and it sat on her dresser all the time when I was a little girl. It used to have a male counterpart but my ex husband broke it.
It is just a thing, an object, I do realize but I was torn up inside. It took me quite a while to get over it, and who knows if I really have gotten over it.
I got to thinking about my mother. My mother is in my heart and soul and in every breath I take. She was not in that bust. Though her hands made it and molded it, it was not her. I had attached all of my memories to an object. I suppose thinking that there was something I could just touch that could bring her back to me.
Now, I can never make new memories with my mother, but that bust having been broken will also never take my memories of her away. They remain in my heart and my mind.
I have done it again. I have attached memories to something trying to keep them strong, to touch them and see them and have them close.
My fathers WWII picture. I have always looked at that thing with such reverence for my father. He was such a wonderful man with a caring and gentle heart. He was my hero, my everything. The day I lost him was a day I will never forget. It was the end of my world as I knew it. I did not ever attach that memory to the picture but the memory still remains, just as strong as if it had happened only yesterday, while in reality, it has been more than fifteen years ago.
I look at that picture and I can just feel my fathers love beam from it. But is that true? Is that really the case? No. It is not. What is really happening is that I look at it and am reminded of him. The picture does not represent the memories of my father, just reminds me. From there, the heart kicks in, where the memories are stored. Don't fool yourself by thinking they are only in the mind because they beat strongly with every breath I take. My father is within me, just as my mother is.
Because the picture is gone does not take the memories from me. Just like in the bust, it was an attachment made to soothe me.
The picture is gone. A demented soul has taken it from me. I do think my sister has a copy so there may be some hope. I am just happy I shared it with you all on facebook so I can hold onto it just a little longer....even if it is not the thing that holds my memories......
1. Lesson to be learned-get things in writing. Legally my son or other persons have no legal rights, it is in a will.
2. ? How would you feel, I am coming for stuff, I do not have to see you? If someone whom you origninally trusted
said "I am coming, have a key, will take what I want and leave?"
3. Where does the respect come in ?
Our/my son family have returned home and thanks in part I have learned what do I feel, need. Did give clothes away
to our/my son, all those he wanted.
Appreciate all the empathy, understanding. For myself do not always understand a situation, try not to second guess.
1. Lesson to be learned-get things in writing. Legally my son or other persons have no legal rights, it is in a will.
2. ? How would you feel, I am coming for stuff, I do not have to see you? If someone whom you origninally trusted
said "I am coming, have a key, will take what I want and leave?"
3. Where does the respect come in ?
Our/my son family have returned home and thanks in part I have learned what do I feel, need. Did give clothes away
to our/my son, all those he wanted.
Appreciate all the empathy, understanding. For myself do not always understand a situation, try not to second guess.
Sera, I'm afraid I probably would have changed the locks after hearing that. We all have different time tablets for when we we're ready to let go of our spouse's stuff. Do whatever suits YOU and don't look back.
sera, did your son leave without the tools? Did you stand your ground?
I'm begining to realize why they say not to make deisions for at least a year now. my neighbor across the street asked to go with me to the sprinkling of my hubby's ashes this summer. I told her yes even though I'm not thrilled with her. The other day when I came back from the cemetary all decked out in my widow's garb, she came over and asked why I was "all dressed up". I told her I had just laid hubby to rest at the cemetary. She whined that I said she could go with me! I said that was for the sprinkling, not the interment.
Right then and there I decided to tell a "little white lie" and told her they didn't give me two containers, which was true but they opened it up and seperated some so I could sprinkle. This woman was a PITA at my dad's wake too. She has no stable life emotionally, so she "attatches" herself to the stable men (and pets!) of my life.
I shouldn't've lied but I now realize why you shouldn't say or do things when you are still in shock from a loved one's death.
sera, did your son leave without the tools? Did you stand your ground?
I'm begining to realize why they say not to make deisions for at least a year now. my neighbor across the street asked to go with me to the sprinkling of my hubby's ashes this summer. I told her yes even though I'm not thrilled with her. The other day when I came back from the cemetary all decked out in my widow's garb, she came over and asked why I was "all dressed up". I told her I had just laid hubby to rest at the cemetary. She whined that I said she could go with me! I said that was for the sprinkling, not the interment.
Right then and there I decided to tell a "little white lie" and told her they didn't give me two containers, which was true but they opened it up and seperated some so I could sprinkle. This woman was a PITA at my dad's wake too. She has no stable life emotionally, so she "attatches" herself to the stable men (and pets!) of my life.
I shouldn't've lied but I now realize why you shouldn't say or do things when you are still in shock from a loved one's death.
Good points..
I think the easiest way to explain it to others is that you are not thinking straight during that early grief stage . Best not to make decisions you may regret while not thinking straight.
Some people forget this . They just look at the facts , and declare it silly to wait.
From the widow or widower's point of view when you have several people coming to you and saying the deceased promised this or that it can feel like a pack of vultures has landed....especially if you don't honestly know if your spouse really did promise those things. On the other hand, a few---and I stress the 'few'---people could actually think they're doing you a favor to take away a collection of this or that and maybe they just word it ineptly/poorly. Either way, you need time to come to that conclusion on your own. I'm at the six months out point after the death of my husband and I've been e-Baying stuff of his for a few months now but every so often I pick up something that I'll put back down again because it has too many good memories attached and I'm not willing to let go yet, if ever. What you don't need is someone else pushing you to make those piece-by-piece decisions hurry up quick because they're standing over your shoulder. The 'don't make any major decisions for the first year' rule is a good one. The first month after my husband died, I really wanted to move as fast as possible, but now I don't see a reason to rush. Six months from now I'll probably want to stay right where I'm at...
From the widow or widower's point of view when you have several people coming to you and saying the deceased promised this or that it can feel like a pack of vultures has landed....especially if you don't honestly know if your spouse really did promise those things. On the other hand, a few---and I stress the 'few'---people could actually think they're doing you a favor to take away a collection of this or that and maybe they just word it ineptly/poorly. Either way, you need time to come to that conclusion on your own. I'm at the six months out point after the death of my husband and I've been e-Baying stuff of his for a few months now but every so often I pick up something that I'll put back down again because it has too many good memories attached and I'm not willing to let go yet, if ever. What you don't need is someone else pushing you to make those piece-by-piece decisions hurry up quick because they're standing over your shoulder. The 'don't make any major decisions for the first year' rule is a good one. The first month after my husband died, I really wanted to move as fast as possible, but now I don't see a reason to rush. Six months from now I'll probably want to stay right where I'm at...
I like what you said "I don't see a reason to rush"
Family pressure isn't a good reason ...
I am glad I have done it as I was ready. Some may want to go faster , but it needs to be the spouse's pace not others.. My step daughers have been patient as I sort things and I will be forever grateful for that.
I have this issue with my BF...his wife has been dead two years. Her toothbrush is still in the bathroom, along with all of her make up and stuff. He still has everything. I told him....it is time...I am not giving him an ultimatum or anything...I just told him that it is not working for me any longer...we have been seeing each other for nine months. I said nothing before...but now...the issue is...whose toothbrush do you want in the bathroom?
He told me he never really noticed. Okay. No big deal. Now I mentioned it...and he can mull this over for several months. No rush.
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