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Good for you, Jasper. He will either poop or get off the pot. What will be will be. Good luck to the situation. Keep us posted.
Well, a year later...we are still together, and we do one room at a time. I try to maintain the patience of a saint, and remind myself that this is a difficult task for him.
He often offers me her "stuff", which I decline. That is creepy to me. I would not wear her stuff...or jewelry. It needs to go to her kids, or family.
Really, I try...but being with a widower is a bit much. There is always some sort of "anniversary", of some important event...and he wants to go see her grave, like quite a bit...complete with roses.
Jealousy is not an issue, I am beyond that...but, I constantly feel "second", not an easy pill to swallow on an ongoing basis. Just the way it is. And no, leaving is not an option...I could, easily...but, I won't do that.
Well, a year later...we are still together, and we do one room at a time. I try to maintain the patience of a saint, and remind myself that this is a difficult task for him.
He often offers me her "stuff", which I decline. That is creepy to me. I would not wear her stuff...or jewelry. It needs to go to her kids, or family.
Really, I try...but being with a widower is a bit much. There is always some sort of "anniversary", of some important event...and he wants to go see her grave, like quite a bit...complete with roses.
Jealousy is not an issue, I am beyond that...but, I constantly feel "second", not an easy pill to swallow on an ongoing basis. Just the way it is. And no, leaving is not an option...I could, easily...but, I won't do that.
I had always heard that living with a widower is REALLY tough. At least if he was happily married. "You can't compete with a ghost." Sounds like that's true, Jasper. I know you AREN'T competing, or at least you weren't but sounds like he's made you feel that way. Sorry to hear your relationship is so stressful. You must love him very much. Continued strength at keeping your patience. Thanks for the update.
Who can ''compete'', with 45 years of marriage? I won't even try. I don't cook, she was professional chef extraordinarily gifted at cooking. I buy potato salad, good enough.
It is just tough sometimes.
Last edited by jasper12; 06-04-2013 at 07:59 AM..
Reason: Edit
Who can ''compete'', with 45 years of marriage? I won't even try. I don't cook, she was professional chef extraordinarily gifted at cooking. I buy potato salad, good enough.
It is just tough sometimes.
I have been in a similar spot but somehow my late husband managed to honor his late wife and
let me know I was treasured & loved also. But it is tricky..
I won't even consider dating now because I wouldn't want a "new man" to feel "second-best." (Compared to my husband.)..And I know this might happen...I'm just not ready to "move-on" right now...I live near a widower who hardly ever talks about his wife. She's only been "gone" a little over a year...He seems "fine" and happy to be on his "own." And he has tons of interests...Maybe he felt a little "thwarted" (or "held-back") when his wife was alive. Not sure...I didn't feel "held-back" when my husband was alive so I'm in a different position.
I won't even consider dating now because I wouldn't want a "new man" to feel "second-best." (Compared to my husband.)..And I know this might happen...I'm just not ready to "move-on" right now...I live near a widower who hardly ever talks about his wife. She's only been "gone" a little over a year...He seems "fine" and happy to be on his "own." And he has tons of interests...Maybe he felt a little "thwarted" (or "held-back") when his wife was alive. Not sure...I didn't feel "held-back" when my husband was alive so I'm in a different position.
Just because he seems "fine" means nothing really. He may prefer to do his grieving in private.
I smiled around others a lot when I was broken hearted inside.
kelly237...I agree. We don't always know what goes on behind "closed doors." I'm sure my widower neighbor misses his wife. And has grief to work-through in his own time and way...But all in all he seems "happy" to be "free." (Compared to other widows and widowers I've met.)...I think he was pretty "tied-down" when his wife was alive and he had a "compliant nature" with her...He talks about his Mom at times and I guess she calls him a lot. (From what he says his Mom seems to be on the "controlling-side" too.)...So I think he just needs some time to come into his "own." And "find himself."
One Sunday afternoon my 2nd husband wanted me to go with him just for a ride in the car. Okay, so, we left. Ended up at a cemetery. He left the car saying he would be right back. When he returned his eyes were tearing. Turns out we were there for him to visit his late wife's grave. I went berserk that he thought he didn't need to check with me if I wanted to accompany him. He could visit her grave everyday if that's what he wanted, but, I would not be with him to sit around while he cried.
Huh. I take my SO whenever he wants to go, and take him to buy flowers. This is important to him, so, it is important to me...I dropped him off today, as a matter of fact.
I guess we all have our "lines". Her stuff everywhere, is my "line".
Last edited by jasper12; 06-04-2013 at 05:21 PM..
Reason: Eidt
Huh. I take my SO whenever he wants to go, and take him to buy flowers. This is important to him, so, it is important to me...I dropped him off today, as a matter of fact.
I guess we all have our "lines". Her stuff everywhere, is my "line".
Completely reasonable. This would be unhealthy for you and for his grieving, I think.
But to try and help you, I believe we can have many great loves in this life. I hope you don't always feel "second".
To respond to the OP, my father lost his wife (my stepmother, who I loved as my own mother) this past September at 47, so it was a shock to the system. Luckily for us, she told my father she wanted all of her things donated, aside from obvious valuables and heirlooms. My father let me take a few of her things, such as coats and dresses. I don't find it odd at all, her things were enjoyed and I will continue to enjoy them and feel happy when I wear them.
She also left me her engagement ring. My father waited until Thanksgiving to pass that on to me (about a month), but she also wanted me to have that. She also told him to let me have my pick of her fine jewelry (after my stepsister of course, but she doesn't seem to want her things). I wear her engagement ring daily on my right hand and keep all of her things cleaned up. I enjoy them and wear a piece of hers daily. It's actually brought me comfort.
For my father, it was healthiest for him to let go of a lot of things. Every time I go home (I'm out of state) I notice a little more is gone. The family portraits remain hung proudly on the walls, and her urn is displayed on a side table in our foyer. I think the process of cleaning house has helped my father grieve, and the fact that she took control for us and said that she wished her things gone out of the house.
Some find it odd I wear her things, but we are all different. My father told me to take what I want, because it was truly meant to be enjoyed. When I am having a bad day, I think of her and rub my ring, and that's nice to have.
I think you need to do what's right for you. However, if the things are getting in your way of properly grieving, you might need to get some help there.
Hugs
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