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That is probably the least sympathetic post I have ever seen. There are no rules here and whatever it takes to get over your loss you do. "Having his cake and eating it too...." mod cut
I lost my wife of 28 years a couple weeks ago and I can so sympathize on how hard it will be to move her stuff.....its like trying to erase her.....all of us have to do that in our own time. Only kind words of encouragement will help this guy. He'll get there.....he has moved on in parts of his life and with the encouragement and love of the new girlfriend he will move past this. He will never forget.
---" a couple weeks ago "--- is not the same as 2 years later
Yes, he still has her voice on the telephone answering machine as well. Things have cooled off considerably since I discussed the issue of her belongings in the bathroom. A person is either ready for the next step in a relationship or not...he is not.
That is okay. I am still his friend. But no longer considering a relationship beyond friendship with him.
My mother died March 14, on a Wednesday. Her visitation and funeral were the following Friday and on Sunday me, my wife, my brother and sister-in-law were up in their bedroom getting all her clothes out and going through all her things. A lot of her jewelry was taken by nephew's wife to her consignment shop. What was made from the sale we are putting in my dad's account to help pay for his assisted living room. Daddy stayed downstairs watching TV. But that's what he wanted us to do. After 66 years of marriage it was hard for him to see all her clothes hanging there like she was going to walk through the door to get something to wear.
I wonder if some people don't leave their spouses' belongings there to constantly incite grief within them
Reminds me of an old homeless Vietnam Vet who told the TV reporter he can't get over the grief of the war.
He pulled out a worn tattered picture of a Vietnamese kid who his unit accidently killed.
He said everytime he looks at that picture he has uncontrollable grief.
Why is he carrying that picture ( 40 years later ) in his pocket and still taking it out constantly ?
To incite perpetual grief !
Same with people who still have spouse's personal belongings out in the open 2 years later.
RWF, I'd just say there's a lot of guilt in your example. While I'm sorry the vet has to carry the war with him, that particular scenario has nothing to do with a spouse's death or belongings and what to do with them. There's something bigger going on with that man and potentially the reason he is homeless....perhaps he came back from the war with more baggage than you or I could even imagine. Rather than scorning him and saying he's just inciting his own grief, have some compassion. You have no idea what that man lives with in his head all day long. Do you really think throwing away a picture is going to take care of that? No, no more than throwing out a deceased spouse's belongings is going to purge your memory. My stars.
Somehow I don't think most people in the world want to grieve in an open-ended fashion. However, to say that personal belongings must be moved in a certain time frame is also pretty rigid and a little coldhearted. It happens when it happens. Sounds like you might get over the death of a spouse more quickly than I would, but none of us really knows how we will deal with a situation until we're there.
[quote=redwolf fan;25347475]I wonder if some people don't leave their spouses' belongings there to constantly incite grief within them
Reminds me of an old homeless Vietnam Vet who told the TV reporter he can't get over the grief of the war.
He pulled out a worn tattered picture of a Vietnamese kid who his unit accidently killed.
He said everytime he looks at that picture he has uncontrollable grief.
Why is he carrying that picture ( 40 years later ) in his pocket and still taking it out constantly ?
To incite perpetual grief !
Same with people who still have spouse's personal belongings out in the open 2 years later.[/quot
As someone who is getting very close to that 2 year mark, I can tell you that there are days when when it feels like 10 years that he has been gone and other days it feels like it was just yesterday.
I am usually a very upbeat, happy, always smiling kind of person. It easier to be happy than sad. That being said I still have a lot of things still, his razor is still in the bathroom, clothes still in the closet, and his coat is still hung over the chair in the garage. I am not in constant mourning and I have no reason to be in a hurry to get rid of his stuff. So if someone came in and told me it was time to get rid of it or that I had to hand it over to them, they would be in for an earful.
Sam I Am had it right, until you are there you have no idea how you will react and just because you react one way that does not make it the right way or the only way.
..........Now if he'd just change the home phone outgoing answering machine message... I can only call his cell these days because still hearing her voice on the answering machine creeps me out. I know I can't push him, but if there were ONE THING I could change, that would be it. Of course, it's her voice, so it's unlikely he's ever going to be ready to let that go.
sskkc...I lost the directions on how to change the outgoing message on my answering machine. So the only way I could change the message is to buy a new machine. Maybe that's the same with your dad? Besides that, he probably doesn't call his own number to even know this is an issue. I know I was shocked when someone told me I needed to change my message. It never would have occurred to me, having recorded the thing years ago. I just forgot it was there.
I wonder if some people don't leave their spouses' belongings there to constantly incite grief within them
Reminds me of an old homeless Vietnam Vet who told the TV reporter he can't get over the grief of the war.
He pulled out a worn tattered picture of a Vietnamese kid who his unit accidently killed.
He said everytime he looks at that picture he has uncontrollable grief.
Why is he carrying that picture ( 40 years later ) in his pocket and still taking it out constantly ?
To incite perpetual grief !
Same with people who still have spouse's personal belongings out in the open 2 years later.
I agree with "Sam I Am". These two examples are apples and oranges. The Vietnam Vet is carrying a tremendous amount of guilt around and carrying the picture for 40 years is acting as a punishment for things he can't forgive himself for doing. He should have gotten some counseling decades ago but soldiers coming home from the war didn't have access to it like they do now.
The spouse who still has personal belongings out in the open two years later....who are we to judge if that's 2, 6, 12 or 18 months too long? My husband was disabled for 12 years and I mourned the loss of parts of our relationship long before he died. Because of that I suspect I'll heal from his loss faster than someone who lost a mate suddenly and unexpectedly. There are way too many variables when it comes to losing a spouse for there to be iron-fast rules for when someone should clear out a spouse's belongings.
Right...I completely agree...but having a "shrine" of everything still the same prevents the widower/widow from moving forward in life. It is a physical reminder of what is permanently missing...like twisting a knife in an open wound that is beginning to heal..."let's just put some salt in there"...and pour rubbing alcohol on it...
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I just passed the 1000th day yesterday. Some days it does feel like he's been gone for many years, and others where it feels like he's still here. I, too, am usually a happy, optomistic person, and our bathroom is just as it was when he "left". Razor, toothbrush, comb, everything. His clothes are still in the closet. I like it that way. It's comforting. I smile when I see his shirts hanging and his robe on the back of the door. I like his shoes by the bed and his Colorado Rockies cap on the shelf. I have his watch, wallet, and glasses in a special box with his wedding ring and the ring I gave him for our 25th wedding anniversary. I still wear my wedding rings.
I never had my own cell phone, so now I use his, and I kept his voice message. My kids (all adults with kids) will call my cell phone just to hear their dad's voice. It's warm and comforting to them.
I'm sure the day will come when I can let go of his things, but for now, since it's comforting, and makes me happy to see them, why should I? I'm not going to marry again and I'm not interested in any kind of relationship with anyone. I had been married for 36 years, since I was 21 years old. You don't just "get over and move on" after loving someone for that long.
Last edited by Marcy1210; 07-27-2012 at 01:37 AM..
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