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That's good that you could remember when your uncle was nice to you, taulery, before the war. Keep those memories and keep remembering it was the war that changed him. Not his fault.
I knew a guy once. He was the son of a man we were friends with. The son was an awful person, did some awful things to other people but his father (our friend) never knew these things. The son died from alcoholism, I did not want to go to his wake because I hated him but we went out of respect for his father. I said 'sorry for your loss' and that was it. I agree with the other posters who say 'say nothing'.
These kinds of situations are why they created platitudes like " I'm sorry for your loss", "My heart goes out to his family", etc. It's the kind of thing you just say to be polite. Sometimes you actually mean it, and other times you are just avoiding being a jerk.
I thought I might leave this thread alone but something else stuck out to me and perhaps I'm confused........I will be forty in 2 months so I'm not a teeny-bopper by any means.
"was of the devil, I swear"
"wrote off her ex husbands nieces and nephews and then whined..." (emphasis mine)
"gossip was her middle name"
is not an example of speaking with grace or anything that sounds nice, or even considerate of a person unable to defend themselves and of a person who no longer resides in this life.
Well, I digress, I'm not really confused by anything except, perhaps, that if those phrases and the words/language that proceed and follow are not ill-speaking then what is ill-speaking?
I perceive it this way: She perceives an atmosphere of anonymity here at CD. When she says "not speaking ill of them" she's referring to folks in real life, I'm sure. Many people don't view internet "relationships" the same as real-life ones.
I've been called a horrible friend before on CD for speaking ill of a couple of people in my life. But you see, I don't use my real name. I'm not using their names. So I don't see anything wrong with being candid in order to get the advice you need. There's no gossiping going on. This is anonymous and no names are being exchanged.
(A quick aside: I've since kicked those people to the curb. They're now a complete non-issue in my life, I'm happy to say. They weren't true friends and doing nothing for my life. Only reason I hung on to them was because I knew them for 20 years. Never a good reason.)
And really, when you think about it, it's only human for "Granny" to feel like all they did was make her life a misery, and then they pass away, and all of a sudden, she's left having to think of something "kind" to say?
I kind of don't blame her for taking a bit of an opportunity to rant to strangers, as she's getting advice on how to deal with the situation.
Honestly, this is what I would say in that situation.
We never really got along all that well and I never got to know her/him on a personal level so there is not much I can say, but I do feel sorry for her/his family loosing a loved one.
I disagree about saying "we never really got along that well".... it just doesn't need to be brought up.
Bottom line, in my opinion: Keep focus entirely off the deceased as much as possible. It's truthful, it's heartfelt, and it's not lying.
Statements like:
"So-and-So (random relative of deceased) is taking it hard, but has a lot of fond memories."
etc. etc.
NEVER mention the deceased directly, if at all possible. If you have to say anything at all, like someone said earlier, just be vague. "It's so sad..." LOL
And second most important point: Just gently change the subject altogether as soon as possible!
"Yes, it's so sad....... but anyway, on the brighter side, how have YOU been?"
I disagree about saying "we never really got along that well".... it just doesn't need to be brought up.
Bottom line, in my opinion: Keep focus entirely off the deceased as much as possible. It's truthful, it's heartfelt, and it's not lying.
Statements like:
"So-and-So (random relative of deceased) is taking it hard, but has a lot of fond memories."
etc. etc.
NEVER mention the deceased directly, if at all possible. If you have to say anything at all, like someone said earlier, just be vague. "It's so sad..." LOL
And second most important point: Just gently change the subject altogether as soon as possible!
"Yes, it's so sad....... but anyway, on the brighter side, how have YOU been?"
DON'T speak of the departed???? WTH else is a wake/funeral for???? It is EXACTLY the place to be giving all your attention to/about the departed. "Brighter side"?? SMH.
These kinds of situations are why they created platitudes like " I'm sorry for your loss", "My heart goes out to his family", etc. It's the kind of thing you just say to be polite. Sometimes you actually mean it, and other times you are just avoiding being a jerk.
Which is why I don't say it at all because I wouldn't mean it. I just ignore the entire situation.
I perceive it this way: She perceives an atmosphere of anonymity here at CD. When she says "not speaking ill of them" she's referring to folks in real life, I'm sure. Many people don't view internet "relationships" the same as real-life ones.
I've been called a horrible friend before on CD for speaking ill of a couple of people in my life. But you see, I don't use my real name. I'm not using their names. So I don't see anything wrong with being candid in order to get the advice you need. There's no gossiping going on. This is anonymous and no names are being exchanged.
(A quick aside: I've since kicked those people to the curb. They're now a complete non-issue in my life, I'm happy to say. They weren't true friends and doing nothing for my life. Only reason I hung on to them was because I knew them for 20 years. Never a good reason.)
And really, when you think about it, it's only human for "Granny" to feel like all they did was make her life a misery, and then they pass away, and all of a sudden, she's left having to think of something "kind" to say?
I kind of don't blame her for taking a bit of an opportunity to rant to strangers, as she's getting advice on how to deal with the situation.
Finally someone gets what I was trying to say in my original post.
I'm kinda amused at how many people took this so personally.
I was using the original examples as to why while one might not care for the person that died but would be approached about the newly departed. Sometimes social situations create this akward situation.
Without lying...and without "speaking ill of the dead." What un-ugly things would one say.
Hypocricy drives me nuts.
I'm not a horrible person that goes around telling tales....Let's get real..EVERYONE at some point or another gets put into this situation or will be at some point. Not everyone loves everyone....And I know I stressed in another post that never ever would I say anything negative to one of the mourners. My problem was with the newly departed not the family.
For those that want to make this all about me...here ya go....I'm sure there's a few that would like to dance on my grave once I'm gone but believes as I do that you shouldn't speak ill of the dead. So pretend you're helping them out instead.
The ones that got the gist of the thread had some very good suggestions. "Sorry for your loss"......"I'm sure he/she will be missed"....."his/her family must be devastated".
That's good that you could remember when your uncle was nice to you, taulery, before the war. Keep those memories and keep remembering it was the war that changed him. Not his fault.
Thanks. Yeah, that's hard. I guess it's the childhood memories and knowing how he treated me when I was an adult, he was a cool uncle when I was a kid. then it all changed. Funny thing, I never knew about the war stuff until my early 2os when he started to hurt me, emotionally. When I told another aunt, she said he was in the war.
It's not his fault. He died about 13 years ago now.
DON'T speak of the departed???? WTH else is a wake/funeral for???? It is EXACTLY the place to be giving all your attention to/about the departed. "Brighter side"?? SMH.
Hm. I guess some people are in constant reaction mode. Oversensitive and waiting for any opportunity to pounce.
Okay "brighter side" ... bad phrase. Exchange it with one you prefer or reword it altogether. Now do you see the point? (example: "Anyway... how are you doing?")
And when I say "Avoid speaking of the deceased as much as possible" I mean do it in a way that isn't obvious to anyone, of course.
This way you're still comforting people, you're not lying, but you're not dishonoring YOURSELF by pretending like you like the person.
Even if Granny were to be caught up in a situation where she has to sort of discuss the person.....
For example, let's say someone was bound and determined to go on and on about the person's selflessness. How they diligently volunteered at church every Sunday. Granny could cleverly participate directly in a conversation like that without really speaking of the person at all.
Mourner: "She never missed a Sunday at church. She was ALWAYS there when anyone needed her."
Granny: "Yes, I can imagine how much that was greatly appreciated. I'm sure her presence is really going to be missed there."
See? Not lying. Not even exaggerating. But not necessarily complimenting her or pretending to like her from a personal standpoint.
She could actually carry on a whole 5-10 minute conversation like that, without saying a whole lot about her, really. All she has to do is agree, soothe the loved one.
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"Brighter side"?? SMH. 
