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I'm in the weeds on this one, Robert - so this is the mother or sister of your college friend that you're referring to throughout this thread? Want to make sure I have it right before commenting.
Maybe his dad had dementia or some kind of mental illness? My gf's ex-husband has bi-polar and that caused him to be inappropriate at times.
I have a close family friend who was recently diagnosed with a type of cognitive disability/dementia. As his family and doctors reviewed past medical records there were medical signs of his problems starting at least 10 years ago but the signs were so mild that they were overlooked.
Looking back his family realized that there were several situations where my family friend said or did inappropropriate things. His son realized that some of the "odd" and "insulting" things that his dad had said to him over the past few years were really due to the dad's increased brain damage, increased impulsiveness and poor "social filter". The son forgave his father as it was really the "illness talking" and these were not his father's true feelings.
Perhaps your college friends parent had similar problems.
So....robertpolyglot....this good friend's parent spewed venom while you were visiting and apologized profusely. You still felt the need to break off the friendship - but it was only the parent acting a fool, hateful, and horrible? I'm not sure why you would lose someone who meant that much to you based on what their parent said. They are not their parent, and the child even as an adult cannot determine when or where or what their parent says.
The friend apologized - that's all they can do - speaking ill of their dead relative - I mean, what's the purpose in that? Even the worst of the worst have families who love them; saying what you think may purge your psyche, but at what cost? They may have been horrible people, we surely don't know, but I guess at this point in my life I personally wonder what can be accomplished with actually carrying through on some of the things I'd like to do or say versus just keeping them to myself (and knowing I'm right).
Turn the whole situation over to the universe and let go of it. It happened many years ago - and while it may have been vile and venomous, no good can come of harboring it in your heart. Write it down, and set fire to your writings - let it turn to ash. And let the ashes and the memories blow away - they hurt no one but you at this point.
We've been talking about this for almost a month this coming Tuesday. I'm sure our talking is moot now. Is it, Robert? Have you laid down your venemous thoughts yet?
One final thought. The death of this person isn't about YOU. Condolences are KIND thoughts given to those that are grieving. Its called sympathy or empathy. It should NOT be considered an opportunity for you to unload regarding an old grievance. The person is dead - what more do you want?
Finally, have you considered that the notice may have been sent as a reconciliatory gesture by your friend? Either respond kindly with condolences or not at all. Anything else is tasteless and tacky and will do nothing except show how poorly you were raised that you would act in such a manner.
I thought it was his friend's girlfriend and she had accused OP of coming onto her.
It's his mother?
I don't know what someone's mother could say that would break up a friendship between college-age people. I just don't understand...I'm confused. But I guess he has got it figured out....
...regarding someone you detest, and the person sending it knew you detested this person, instead of sending a condolence card, is it ok to instead send a brief letter telling them what you candidly thought of this person? (This piggybacks onto the "when someone you don't like dies" thread).
First, it would be classless to write any such letter.
However, it's just as important to recognize the sense of loss in the survivor. Regardless of what you might feel about the deceased, you likely have regards for the person who notified you. That person deserves to be given sympathy and condolences for his or her loss, regardless of how you feel about the one who died.
First, it would be classless to write any such letter.
However, it's just as important to recognize the sense of loss in the survivor. Regardless of what you might feel about the deceased, you likely have regards for the person who notified you. That person deserves to be given sympathy and condolences for his or her loss, regardless of how you feel about the one who died.
A couple of things:
- I don't feel that a classless act makes for a classless person. If they only taped all the conversations that have taken place in the Oval Office over the years... Winston Churchill threw some zingers, too.
- I should have been clearer. While I don't like the person who the thread is about, I have also lost respect for the person who would be receiving it.
It's the first and only time that I feel such a letter may be "warranted." In all other cases, I do send a sympathy card or, if the friendship has grown apart due to time and distance, I do nothing.
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