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My FIL died recently. He never had a good relationship with my husband, never said he was proud of him, said he couldn't wait for us to divorce, disowned my husband for not having a son, etc. He was a jerk and a mean old donkey.
We went to the funeral because it was the right thing to do, but my husband, myself, and our kids...none of us were sad and none of us could even pretend it. I wish we hadn't gone. Hearing how my FIL treated my husband's cousin, who did have a son to "carry on the family name", has just messed with my husband's head. He never knew that anyone actually liked his dad, and hearing about how nice his dad was to other people made him realize he never got to see the good side of his dad.
His dad had a younger girlfriend toward the end...she came up and said some unpleasant things to us. We just ignored it and later on we talked my husband's uncle out of keeping his promise to my FIL that he would support and provide for the girlfriend for the rest of her life (it wasn't reasonable to make hubby's uncle promise that, he and his wife have just enough saved to see them through their old age).
YES- I morn them even more..My mother inlaw is in the process of dying- She always treated me unfairly and with contempt...I visited her..with my daughter- as I left the hospital room...They dying old lady said something...I turned to my daughter and said "What did she say?"- My daughter said "She said she love you".....................I turned back and approached her and said...."You love me?- It took you 30 years to say that" - I held her close and kissed her.....Everyone always told me that she hated my guts....I always suspected it was a rumor..
Before that my father in law died...He was a tough old cop who drank himself to death...he did not have much use for me...
Before that an associate of my sister- and old arms dealer who supplied weapons too the Iraqis and the Iranians during the big war...He was a cold bastard....funny- when the drunken cop and the arms dealer died- I privately wept for both of them...cos' deep down under all their garbage were good men...who lost sight of what was good in life...Yes - I do morn those less fortunate than myself..those who hate...are impoverished people.
I don't want to become "hard" and bitter and full of anger and hate and blame!...My Grandma became this way at the end of her life. She became so consumed with self-pity she didn't seem to have one drop of love left inside of her anymore for anyone...It was hard to go and visit her because she became so negative and mean and spiteful etc...She died in this "state" without making "peace" with anyone. Sad!...It was sad because my Grandma and I used to be close when I was younger and had fun together...I don't want to carry around a lot of grudges and hate and blame like my Grandma did. It made her miserable. And her behavior made life miserable for those of us who tried so hard to "reach her" and love her...I didn't wish "bad karma" on my Grandma. I hoped that she would be greeted with love when she died. And have some "help" letting go of all of her anger and blame and hate once and for all...I tried to help her when she was alive but I couldn't "get through" to her. So I hoped that she would receive the "help" she needed in the "afterlife!"
Holy moly, that is tough. I'm so sorry you had to hear that.
Thanks, maggie, me too. As much as I say I haven't cried or felt badly since Nana's death, I don't actively hate her . I just never think about her and that incident. I DO think of happy times when I was a little girl being with Nana and Bampa and they bring me much joy but still no mourning or tears.
My mother was a prejudiced snob. My father grew up without love and didn't know what it was. They were both alcohlics. Both were emotio0nally and, at times, physically abusive. From the age of six I stayed as much away from them as possible and was constantly outdoors where I was the happiest. They died within about a year of one another when I was in my mid-40s.
I mourn(ed) their deaths because I tried hard to love and admire them and most of all because of what could have and should have been. They were my parents and underneath all that was wrong, there was some right as well.
Actually .... DO mourn them. Mourn that they didn't give life a chance. Mourn that they were so self absorbed that they failed to see the potential for happiness. But celebrate you don't have to suffer their abuses whether mental or physical anymore
I don't want to become "hard" and bitter and full of anger and hate and blame!...My Grandma became this way at the end of her life. She became so consumed with self-pity she didn't seem to have one drop of love left inside of her anymore for anyone...It was hard to go and visit her because she became so negative and mean and spiteful etc...She died in this "state" without making "peace" with anyone. Sad!...It was sad because my Grandma and I used to be close when I was younger and had fun together...I don't want to carry around a lot of grudges and hate and blame like my Grandma did. It made her miserable. And her behavior made life miserable for those of us who tried so hard to "reach her" and love her...I didn't wish "bad karma" on my Grandma. I hoped that she would be greeted with love when she died. And have some "help" letting go of all of her anger and blame and hate once and for all...I tried to help her when she was alive but I couldn't "get through" to her. So I hoped that she would receive the "help" she needed in the "afterlife!"
Sounds like an inter generational witch...some are products of family tradition...Those who embrace hate ....sorry- but some people are what they are....your grandma was a failure in the theme of life...I know a few of these- they go to the grave..holding hate...usually they were taught this as children-it is such a waste.
My husband's father died 2 months ago. His three brothers and mother didn't even bother to inform him of that fact, he stumbled upon his dad's obituary while doing a Google search!
So no, he doesn't mourn him one bit. His dad was emotionally abusive to him and he hadn't seen him in years. He was miffed at his family for not telling him, but got over it in a few days. There's no moral or ethical imperative to mourn parents who were rotten to you.
So many people have commented how angry and bitter their relatives became as they entered old age. Does getting old just make people angry and resentful?? I don't want to be that way when I get old.
My grandfather was a mean and nasty old man. I was 13 when he died, and I remember feeling bad because I didn't feel bad that he was dead.
He wasn't mean just because he was old. He was just a mean and unpleasant person.
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