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i always thought my overpunitive mom was rather abusive. she didn't think so. my therapist thought a lot of mom's ways were questionable and even on one account, abusive. during the last few months of my mom's life (me and my brother who was the favorite both successfully took turns at taking care of mom in her last weeks) all of a sudden my mom started seeing flaws in my brothers nature and strengths in mine. when she passed i mourned, not really very overtly, but i certainly was sad, dealt with it in my own way, but i was happy that she could see the good in me tho it was hard for her to see it in the past. it kind of balanced out the grieving process or me
my mom was kind of like the character Mary Tyler Moore played in the movie "Ordinary People"--not very demonstrative at all and at times harsh and punitive, and I really had to understand and accept that she did love, but not in the way i might have wanted (similar to the way Judd Hirsch the psychiatrist put it to the kid in the movie)
Although people don't usually want to hear it (so not something I would say except to my very closest of friends) I have had family members die and just felt relieved, for many reasons. I have grieved the loss of some folks deeply, am still grieving the death of my best friend six years ago . . . so that makes it seem even more dramatic that I feel absolutely nothing about these other folks other than sheer relief that I just don't have to deal with them ever again in my life.
And there are a few more that I won't mourn, either.
People want to hear you say you forgave someone "at the end" or you found you had conflicting emotions after they died, etc. But for some of us, we had let go of any emotional attachment long b/f these people died -- so there isn't any emotion there at all except relief.
Yup, when my husband's parent died. Relief. Lots got quieter and calmer. Seems she liked stirring up trouble and/or stroking the fires, even at an advanced age. She left a lot of trouble after she went (will), probably enjoyed that, too.
MrsCPG had an uncle who died recently. He was about as creepy as they came, exposing himself to female family members and sexually abusing his two daughters. Why on earth nobody called the police on his ass, why his wife didn't divorce him, and why the men in the family didn't take him out back and beat him with axe handles I have no idea.
So he mod editdied recently of a heart attack and everybody went to the funeral (I abstained, because I could not stand the loathsome toad). They didn't go for him. They went for his wife and children.
Last edited by Sam I Am; 09-29-2012 at 05:09 AM..
Reason: please don't bypass the language filter
When my dad died, I rushed to the assisted living community to be
with my mother.
I got the phone call at work, he had died the day before, I had not
been on speaking terms with hime for about 7 months.
I knew he was in assisted living with my mom, so I left it at that.
The feeling that came over me when I heard was absolute relief.
The relief was so profound, that I just started crying.
I couldn't help but cry. I was embarassed, I was at work, so I left
and went to the assisted living center.
But, the next day, I felt even better.
Like a giant baby grand piano had been lifted off of my back.
I attended the funeral, being the loving dutiful daughter with my mom,
and it poured that day!
After the funeral, I took my mom back to assisted living and felt
truly happy.
Needless to say, my dad was one of the most eviel people I have
ever met. Seriously. His whole life.
But when he finally died, the eviel had left. It was over.
Life started anew.
That is what it is like when you are eviel to everyone in your life.
That was in 2001.
People who are essentially vile are cut off long before we get to the funeral stage, so there is NO mourning. There is no celebration, either ... maybe relief.
There is one uncle I have in Europe who needs to create drama and negativity at every trip. His wife has dysfunctionally joined the theatrics. He's almost easier to take, because "what you see is what you get." She, on the other hand, is more coyly problematic.
It's amazing because, after 14 hours on a plane, one wants to relax with the relatives. All of the other ones are: ok, doing a day-hop, that's cool, see you for dinner OR want to walk to the corner to the new gelateria OR let's surf the internet, I've got some wacko friends to show you OR we impersonate relatives. All in good fun.
The one who I dislike in now in bad health. Everyone has abandoned him, including his own offspring. I don't believe bloodline requires that one be mourned.
Last edited by robertpolyglot; 09-28-2012 at 01:54 PM..
So many people have commented how angry and bitter their relatives became as they entered old age. Does getting old just make people angry and resentful?? I don't want to be that way when I get old.
People don't get old and suddenly become angry or bitter and take it out on their relatives.
Most vile people create drama and dysfunction for a lifetime.
Its something that runs through their veins, always in need of the next fix.
So many people have commented how angry and bitter their relatives became as they entered old age. Does getting old just make people angry and resentful?? I don't want to be that way when I get old.
You can't stereotype any group of people. My mom is 86 sings while she makes her morning coffee, does her crossword every day from the New York Times no less. Feeds the birds daily and swims at the Y. She taught me to embrace every day with a smile and a fierce determination. Don't fear age ; embrace every day your given !
People don't get old and suddenly become angry or bitter and take it out on their relatives.
Most vile people create drama and dysfunction for a lifetime.
Its something that runs through their veins, always in need of the next fix.
Hehe. Runs through their veins. I'd say that with my MIL. It was "sport" to hurt her offspring, my husband. And, after they're gone, sometimes, these people leave a trail of misery through what they did or didn't do.The gift that keeps on giving.
My mother was a prejudiced snob. My father grew up without love and didn't know what it was. They were both alcohlics. Both were emotio0nally and, at times, physically abusive. From the age of six I stayed as much away from them as possible and was constantly outdoors where I was the happiest. They died within about a year of one another when I was in my mid-40s.
I mourn(ed) their deaths because I tried hard to love and admire them and most of all because of what could have and should have been. They were my parents and underneath all that was wrong, there was some right as well.
These are wasted lives- People who live with hate and accept it as a way of life. You are very right about people who were never loved and because of that do not know what love is..My father in law came from a cold family..They hated the poor- they hated those from other cultures...and never really thought for themselves. If it was someones birthday or Christmas...My father in law would get a damned hand shake from his dad as if he was a stranger and not a family member.
Yes and habitual daily drinkers..are as selfish as you can get..so are chronic dope smokers...There is a time and place for everything...but not all the time. To morn losers is justified. By the time they figure out that how they lived was wrong- they lay on their death beds...some repent..but some hold bitterness and hate and attempt to control others to their last breath.
Those that want positions of authority...who are loveless...are the worst...I don't like being controlled..all I expect is that others control themselves. If you are possessed by darkness...get it under control and step into the light- life is short...don't waste it.
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