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If my ex-wife dies no way would I attend her funeral. She dragged my sons into the divorce and they were convinced I destroyed the family, thanks to the lies she told them. I haven't seen them or her in 20 years and have no intentions of seeing them dead.
My wife has had no contact with her ex who she divorced because he was abusive and an alcoholic. Her children asked him to stop drinking so they could have a relationship, he refused. So they haven't seen or heard from him in 30 years. She says "why would I go to see him dead when I couldn't stand to see him alive?'
No, life is too short. I have some messed up people in my family... and a few years ago I decided to stop submitting myself to the torture, and cut the ties - family or not, they treated me like absolute crap - I could go on and on... few years ago I stood up and took a step back and then another and another, and when we moved I ceased any contact. Never regretted it. My DH who is kind to every single person on this earth, and always finds good in everyone, supported my decision wholeheartedly.
Any family member who is cruel to you does not deserve your kindness... and why not start distancing when they are alive! Life is too short to subject yourself to that abuse, being mental or physical. Neglecting a relationship is a form of abuse as well, IMHO.
My donor died about 10 years ago and it was one of the happiest days of my life the other happy days when it came to the donor is the days he went to prison again and the saddest is when he was released.
When I was pregnant with my first child, I was with my mother moving my nana out of the old folk's apartment complex down to my parent's house here. My nana started to fight with my mother about something and I piped up from the backseat, "Nana, don't you talk to my Mother like that!" WELL, Nana turns around and says "I hope your baby is born dead." My mother nearly ran off the road. Mom screamed at her but good! My love for that woman died right then and there and I had loved her with all my heart. I went with Mom to Nana's funeral a year and a half later to give Mom support but I never shed a tear and I still haven't, 50 years later. Never will either.
That's a shocking and terrible but also somewhat interesting thing. I suspect that if you loved her previous to that, if she ever seemed not like that mean type of person - then it was probably some sort of dementia or other old age brain malfuction. I've heard this sort of story before. Not the disappearing of alzhemiers but something else, where nice people say the most mean outrageous things when very old. I don't think they know exactly what happens.
That's a shocking and terrible but also somewhat interesting thing. I suspect that if you loved her previous to that, if she ever seemed not like that mean type of person - then it was probably some sort of dementia or other old age brain malfuction. I've heard this sort of story before. Not the disappearing of alzhemiers but something else, where nice people say the most mean outrageous things when very old. I don't think they know exactly what happens.
Nana had it in her, Gies, just never directed at me. She was pi$$ at me because prior to what she said to me, she and my mother had been fighting about something and she was getting really nasty with Mom and I told Nana not to talk to my Mother that way. That's when she unloaded on me. Nah, Nana was still in her right mind.
It hasn't happened to me yet but if and when my uncles Ex wife dies I'll be glad. She was very cruel to my uncle and left him when he became disabled. She was mean to my mother and just a nasty person overall. I never liked her from day one.
I've been fortunate in life in that I've had no cruel relatives....distance and unmoving yes, but not cruel.
One of the grandfathers was just a man whi we used to visit sometimes...he made no real effort to really know any of us. I helped my Mom settle his affairs for her...not him. My uncle was much the same way.
I nod my head when my Mother says she misses them all but I have not feeling towards them what so ever.
I didn't mourn when my father died. He was horrible, just horrible to me (physically) and I broke off all contact 27 years ago.
Above said, I do find myself questioning what I could have done differently. These questions usually present at night and make me suffer lack of sleep. But as morning comes, I realize, there is nothing I could have done...and then the roundabout thinking starts again. As in, why did he hate me so? I was broken as a toddler by my father, so I don't know any other way.
You may not realize it, but all of your actions above means you are mourning. I'm sorry.
My mom is going through end stage cancer right now. She did a lot of things that most sane people would consider downright cruel. Her record for motherhood is a very mixed one, and I always swore that when the time came, I wouldn't look back nor care what happened to her.
This has turned out to be a load of crap. I cried like a baby when I heard her diagnosis and rushed to see her as soon as I was able. Though I have not yet lost her, I am finding that watching her suffer is more than I can bear, and I will absolutely mourn her when she goes. She keeps saying "I did the best I could" and I know that this is her way of acknowledging that she hurt me. I tell her that I know she did-- she was the victim of her own terrible childhood, and she was arrested developmentally somewhere in her youth. She didn't have the maturity to be a good parent.
I mourn her because, no matter what, she was my mom and I love her. I wish I didn't. A lot of my grievances will never be addressed and they are mine to work out now, as an adult in full possesion of her own life. There won't be a Hallmark moment when we come to understand one another. And I turned out okay, despite the abuse I suffered. Apparently, I even turned out to be someone who can forgive a great deal. That's got to be worth something.
Last edited by confusedasusual; 02-11-2013 at 07:40 AM..
no--not at all--had an abusive relative in my life---no funeral attendance or sympathy towards his family at all---nor have i ever visited his grave-----he and his relatives that knew what he was like needed to deal with God as to his behaviors in life
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I went with Mom to Nana's funeral a year and a half later to give Mom support but I never shed a tear and I still haven't, 50 years later. Never will either.
