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smilinpretty...It's sad that the man was treatly his wife so badly when you were at "Trader Joe's."...Sometimes I feel like shouting out to the world: "Don't take the people you say you love for granted! There's no telling when someone may die!" Do you ever feel like this?...As I mentioned in another post my son's cat died unexpectedly last week..Whoa! I was filled with guilt and regrets and remorse for not taking more time out of my day to play with "Kitty."...I felt like a "bad mom" to the cats and a "bad mom" to my son and just "bad" and "horrible" in general for nearly a week!...It's taken me awhile to start to cut myself some "slack." And forgive myself...I haven't had anyone here to "look after" me for a long long time!...My whole focus has been on "taking care" of others most of the time. And I got put on the "back-burner" and got "burnt-out" I guess...Now I have to find a way to "care" about myself a little more...Have you gone through these type of feelings too? Thanks for your posts.
tamiznluv...I'm glad you had 3 years with your husband after his diagnosis...My husband's time went by so fast. But he was active right up until the end. He was never bedridden...In some ways this made his eventual death "harder" for me to deal with and handle etc...I allowed myself to be "fooled" into thinking that he would be "okay" and "around" for a lot longer...I just went through this with my son and his death too. (Although my son was bedridden most of the time at the end.)...My son's mind stayed "sharp" and "witty" and this always gave me "hope!"...Guess I'm just not good at preparing for death. (Unless someone is obviously going to "leave." And the "signs" are easy to see and apparent.) How about you?
My hubby was fairly active up until the last month, CA. Before, when he got 1st diagnosed, he went full speed ahead doing things that needed to be done! The only time he was inactive and bedridden was due to the radiation sickness he had but when it was over, he went back to being busy as a beaver. The only time he was truly bedridden was the last 1 1/2 days of his life when hospice tied him down into bed so he wouldn't go use the john. They made him pee and poop in bed. I am sure that is why he died when he did. I saw his shoulders and head slump so much when I had to tell him they wouldn't let him use the bathroom again. They did that to save themselves having to unclog the toilet again. Whatever he was pooping, was clogging the pipes. Don't know how he was pooping, he wasn't eating anything. I even had to call a plumber when I came back to the house after the ambulance took him to hospice! I really, really regret putting him in in that hospice. Worst decision I have ever made.
Oh, the signs were apparent but I just refused to really see/admit/accept them. I didn't want him to go. I don't think denial is unusual, do you? I think my denial may still be active now even! Once God took away the life stopping pain, I think maybe now I just deny I miss him SO friggin' much that I can cope with life most of the time now. I don't care whether I am or not, as long as it is working for me.
tamiznluv...I'm so sorry about your husband being tied down and not allowed to use the toilet...How long was he in the hospice facilities?..My husband didn't have hospice services. But my son did (at the end) even though he was in a private acute care facility...I get calls from hospice grief counselors and this is nice. But nobody says what I need to hear or what I want to talk about etc...For some reason they are not a good "fit" for me...I agree with you about denial. Of course we want to think our loved ones will "beat" the "odds."...I'm letting it all "hang-out" now when it comes to my feelings and my grief and pain etc. (Most of the time anyway.)...Technically I'm still within society's "mourning period." Losing my son's cat last week probably gave me a few extra days. (And nearly sent me off the "edge!")
tamiznluv...I'm so sorry about your husband being tied down and not allowed to use the toilet...How long was he in the hospice facilities?..My husband didn't have hospice services. But my son did (at the end) even though he was in a private acute care facility...I get calls from hospice grief counselors and this is nice. But nobody says what I need to hear or what I want to talk about etc...For some reason they are not a good "fit" for me...I agree with you about denial. Of course we want to think our loved ones will "beat" the "odds."...I'm letting it all "hang-out" now when it comes to my feelings and my grief and pain etc. (Most of the time anyway.)...Technically I'm still within society's "mourning period." Losing my son's cat last week probably gave me a few extra days. (And nearly sent me off the "edge!")
tamiznluv...I've been thinking about what you wrote about being in denial...I think there are "signs" even if our loved ones remain fairly active and alert right up until the end. Don't you?...There is somewhat of a "detachment" that takes place as a person grows closer to dying. My husband and son tried to act like they were "okay" most of the time. But some of their habits and normal preferences changed over time...The "signs" were there to see and notice. And I remember "taking note" of them. But I tried to push them out of my mind so I could stay positive and hopeful...How about you? Thanks.
tamiznluv...I've been thinking about what you wrote about being in denial...I think there are "signs" even if our loved ones remain fairly active and alert right up until the end. Don't you?...There is somewhat of a "detachment" that takes place as a person grows closer to dying. My husband and son tried to act like they were "okay" most of the time. But some of their habits and normal preferences changed over time...The "signs" were there to see and notice. And I remember "taking note" of them. But I tried to push them out of my mind so I could stay positive and hopeful...How about you? Thanks.
CA, yes, the detachment was very obvious. He wanted to be left alone. I didn't take much notice of the signs. I was still working at that point and really didn't realize how far gone he was.
When I was at the hospital yesterday with a friend who has cancer too, I saw hubby's oncologist and I got to thank him for all he did for hubby. The saddness in his eyes showed how much he really liked Earl. He apologized to me for not being able to save Earl and I got to say thank you for the 7 more years he DID give us. He then hugged me! Both he and the nurse who was standing beside the doc said they miss seeing Earl! That said so much about my hubby to me. I am so glad yesterday happened and I feel so much better that I have now been able to say thank you to that great doc and know how much Earl affected them and I'm not the only one who misses him.
tamiznluv...I'm glad you had such a positive experience and exchange with your husband's doctor yesterday...Good to have closure and peace about it. I'm glad it helped and brought you comfort.
Tamiznluv, I am so happy to hear how positive experience it was for you to visit your dh Doctor and the positive impact your husband had on the Doctor and staff.
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Originally Posted by tamiznluv
CA, yes, the detachment was very obvious. He wanted to be left alone. I didn't take much notice of the signs. I was still working at that point and really didn't realize how far gone he was.
When I was at the hospital yesterday with a friend who has cancer too, I saw hubby's oncologist and I got to thank him for all he did for hubby. The saddness in his eyes showed how much he really liked Earl. He apologized to me for not being able to save Earl and I got to say thank you for the 7 more years he DID give us. He then hugged me! Both he and the nurse who was standing beside the doc said they miss seeing Earl! That said so much about my hubby to me. I am so glad yesterday happened and I feel so much better that I have now been able to say thank you to that great doc and know how much Earl affected them and I'm not the only one who misses him.
That's a wonderful experience. It just reinforces to you how wonderful your hubby was! I think that it going to be a huge step in being able to move forward...that's incredibly uplifting and positive!
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