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An acquaintance (don't know her well at all) from a church class is having a very difficult time with grief from her husband's very sudden passing. He died the end of November. I have been thinking of her and e-mailed her a short note to that effect. Her reply was so sad--she is obviously having a very hard time with this. She has plenty of family to help her, but I'd like to do something for her. I was thinking maybe to e-mail her again and see if I could take her to lunch and let her talk about her husband or the grief she is obviously experiencing. But since I barely know her (just see her in this ongoing class), I don't know if this would be appropriate. We are both retired. What do all of you think?
I think it would be wonderful for you to offer to take her to lunch. Judging from her response to your initial email, it sounds like she could use a friendly ear. She may not take you up on your offer, but I bet she'll appreciate the offer.
Even though you don't know her well, it would be nice to ask her to lunch. You may want to offer to drive, sometimes, widows have issues with driving, as they never did it much...I learned this from a neighbor, how she felt unsure about her driving because her husband always drove, she was nervous in traffic.
Don't know this woman, but it might be really nice.
In just a short time I have made friends with several widows. We met at a bereavement group at church. We go to movies, lunches etc. Just ask her…hope it works out for you.
As a relatively new widow myself, I can tell you that reading books on Near Death Experiences (NDE's) helped me more than anything--particularly "Proof of Heaven" by Eben Alexander. It was a huge comfort to read about the comfort and happiness one experiences after transitioning out of this world.
Also, she needs to spoil herself; if possible, take a little bit of time off from work. The next year should be HER year, for her to whatever she wants (within reason of course People will try to put her grief on a timeline but there is no such thing, she needs to understand that grief isn't a timeline, it's a tangled ball with cycles of sadness followed by better days, rinse and repeat.
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She needs to have someone indiscreetly make sure she takes good care of herself. It's easy to get wrapped up in settleing the estate, making sure the kids or g'kids are okay, the allay fears that stuff wanted will get thrown away, and do on. She needs to have someone make sure she's got enough food, laundry soap, shampoo, toilet tissue, pet foods, so she doesn't have to bother herself with those mundane chores. Someone to help teach her (if she doesn't know) or make sure she pays her bills. Make sure she doesn't have scam bills that could get her in trouble. She needs someone, or a few someones to take some of the burden of living off her so that she can take time to pamper herself, take care of herself, go to counselling, and do other things that will help her feel better about herself and make it easier to move forward.
In just a short time I have made friends with several widows. We met at a bereavement group at church. We go to movies, lunches etc. Just ask her…hope it works out for you.
I'm not a widow myself, but I do see that she is in deep grief and may not have anyone to talk to about it. I want to help her but don't want to intrude.
I'm not a widow myself, but I do see that she is in deep grief and may not have anyone to talk to about it. I want to help her but don't want to intrude.
I wish I had more people check in on me, I really needed it. Most of my friends really backed away, or assumed others were taking care of me. I know they were uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. The people I appreciate most we're the acquaintances who came out of the woodwork to help; most were people who had experienced a close loss as well. Don't be afraid to help, because I'm sure she needs a lot of it right now, and all too often, people you would think would be there for you, aren't. You sound like a good friend, thank you for wanting to help her.
I wish I had more people check in on me, I really needed it. Most of my friends really backed away, or assumed others were taking care of me. I know they were uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. The people I appreciate most we're the acquaintances who came out of the woodwork to help; most were people who had experienced a close loss as well. Don't be afraid to help, because I'm sure she needs a lot of it right now, and all too often, people you would think would be there for you, aren't. You sound like a good friend, thank you for wanting to help her.
^^^^^ this. OP, most definitely send her an email and ask her to lunch. You would be surprised how so many so called "friends" back away from the grieving person.
Like JC84 I found support coming from acquaintances and not the people you would have thought. By you reaching out to her could mean such a difference.
My sister became a widow in October, she had some very tough dates to get through, first Thanksgiving, then his birthday and Christmas in December, and now what would have been their 50th wedding anniversary the end of January. She says what helps her is having something to do, going out to lunch, visiting friends and family etc, give this woman a call and just listen to her, that maybe all she needs.
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People will try to put her grief on a timeline but there is no such thing, she needs to understand that grief isn't a timeline, it's a tangled ball with cycles of sadness followed by better days, rinse and repeat.
Helping Bereaved Wife
