Can there be a sticky of what to do first?

[Flamingo13]

My husband died suddenly, I am overwhelmed. Maybe a thread on what to do, not to do, etc. should be a sticky?

[dreamofmonterey]

jmo, there really is no set in stone rule. I had to deal w. my Dads wake/planning /interment.
And now am dealing with POA and medical caretaking for my best friend who has terminal cancer.

[Flamingo13]

I'm sorry dreamofmonterey - it's never easy is it? That's why I thought a sticky would be a good idea, we could share what helps, what doesn't, what to do, what not to do, etc.

[MiamiRob]

Flamingo 13 sorry for your loss but in context we Humans seem to plan our vacations better than our final demise.
We always seem to avoid the issue because it is "morbid" in our minds but a reality we all have to face.
#1: Sit down with a piece of pen and paper and write down your wishes
#2: Do you have a will?
#3: If you have people depending on you for income get life insurance

[dreamofmonterey]

Originally Posted by Flamingo13

I'm sorry dreamofmonterey - it's never easy is it? That's why I thought a sticky would be a good idea, we could share what helps, what doesn't, what to do, what not to do, etc.

Thank you same to you.

It is very hard and alienating. Plus, jmo basic society can be very alienating. Esp. when you have a small, or no family left.

Maybe a chat thread could be good? suggest to a mod. EVERYONES experience is different . My best to you, I have been helped by going one day at a time, and asking for help if a friend is available to lighten the caretaking load.

Caretaking and 'controlling' everything can be extremely draining , mentally and physically.

Yesterday my friends chemo was 8 hours, and then he was all stressed etc. Plus the diet and all needs to be monitored. Anyway not to go O/T. I know how hard it all is, pls feel free to DM me if you wish.

When you have POA and are the main planner for the funeral, I'd say just do as the loved one would have wished, The Director at the funeral home can usually be very helpful.

Please try and care for yourself also. Little things like getting outside, shopping for a small thing for yourself, all this can help when you feel like you are on mental overload.

There is light at the end, I assure you. I'm on the second road with this. It is horrible, but I guess part of life too. Learning I cannot control the reality of death can be a sort of release/catharsis.

[SunGrins]

The first days and week or two are very busy and can be overwhelming...but most survivors have friends or family to help them get through the first week or so. There are some professional folks that help with some of this. Funerals, visitatations, memorials, obits, insurance, legal or estate issues all demand attention. Don't be shy if someone offers to help. Ask them to come back in a few weeks.

After the first couple weeks the friends and family will go back to their regular routine but the survivor doesn't have one -- everything has changed. There are lots of little, private decisions that have to be made. A person's stuff doesn't go way when they die. They still have bills. They get mail and some of it is important. They have bank accounts. They have cars. They have pensions or income. There are a lot of loose ends. It would be good if some of those friends would come back after a few weeks and help work through some of those lingering decisions. They could take mom's stuff to Goodwill or Salvation Army so you don't have to. They could drive you to DMV to help with transferring vehicle registration. A grieving survivor has to face much of this alone unless somebody is there to help.

[Marcy1210]

Flamingo13, many of us lost our husbands unexpectedly, and it was different for each of us. Some of us were older, so we knew what our husbands wanted, others were young and had not thought of dying as part of their life together. Some husbands had wonderful wills and directives, others had nothing or very little. It runs the gamut. The first thing to do is breathe. Then cry. Scream. Hit walls. Throw things. Then call family and friends. Plan a service. After the service, meet with an attorney. Let them handle settling the estate while you trudge through the next three or four years.

It's such a unique journey, that there's no universal blueprint for what to do, how to do it, or whether its' right or wrong. Coming here, asking questions~~constantly~~and venting will help you so much. That's what we're here for...to guide you on your journey and make it as comfortable as possible by sharing our experiences with you. So ask anything, we've been through it all.

[tamiznluv]

Wonderful post, Marcy and all so true.

My condolence to all.

Books, reading books can help a lot also.

[Flamingo13]

TY Marcy - there's not a service now, there will be a memorial in the future. Can't do an attorney, not sure if something was signed somewhere wrong or what but apparently when he retired on disability (and I specifically remember HR asking us about survivor benefit and he said yes, he wanted me taken care of), there is no survivor benefit - no benefits, cut off from everything. I'm not well, tried for Disability yrs. ago, turned down and gave up - no clue what will happen now.

Don't be surprised if I post on here ranting and raving (I'm not one to talk about feelings much). It just seems like more and more bad news.

Thanks for the tips about reading but I've been trying to read even a regular book I was near the end of and at this point, nothing is sinking in (too many thoughts swirling about too many things).

[WellShoneMoon]

Flamingo, I have some idea of what you're going through. My husband died only three weeks ago. He was 87 years old (I'm 66) and suffered from advanced Parkinson's Disease as well as other health problems. So intellectually I knew that he probably wouldn't live many years longer, but you're never really prepared for your husband's death, even if he's had a long illness. We'd been married for almost 22 years, and were together for almost 25 years. He was truly my best friend and my favorite traveling companion and dance partner.

To make matters even more complicated, we had moved into a new home in a city 250 miles from our previous home two weeks before he died. So I'm not only learning how to live without him but also learning how to navigate my new neighborhood and city. I'm glad we did make the move, however, because now I'm in the same city as one of my children, and I was very glad to have her and her husband so close by in the days following my husband's death.

Like you, I'm looking for an "instruction book," but I know that everyone's situation is so different that what works for one person may be all wrong for the next person. I've been reading a lot online about life as a new widow (still can't believe that term applies to me). There are lots of websites devoted to this subject. One you might take a look at is Wconnection.org.

One thing I have learned from my reading is that grieving is not a linear process. I thought I was doing well, getting through the first couple of weeks without falling apart, and then yesterday I just didn't want to get out of bed. All day. So I didn't, except to make necessary trips to the bathroom and to the kitchen to make myself something to eat. I'm lucky in that I'm retired, so no job I have to go to, and my children are grown, so no little ones to have to see to. Today I got up and went to an exercise class and felt great, although I felt a little guilt when I came out of the class and realized I hadn't thought about my husband for the entire 45 minutes of the class.

Man, I hate this. A close friend lost her young son in a traffic accident a number of years ago, and one of the ways her husband worked through his grief was to write a book about it, and he called the book "Grief Sucks." Truer words were never spoken.