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[quote=tngirl205;26835402]Hey Jude, I also wanted to offer my condolences on the loss of your husband. I am so sorry for your loss, which is compounded by the way your SIL is acting.
I have learned from first-hand experience that even the best of families can have strained relationships. I have a sister that chooses not to have anything to do with me. Over the years, I have finally come to the realization that I cannot change the way someone else feels, family or not. I have just learned to accept that's how they are and go on with my life. It still hurts.
Your loss is so new and you will most likely experience all forms of grief like the rest of us. I have experienced feelings that I didn't even expect. Everyone is different, so don't let anyone tell you how you should grieve, or how long you should grieve.
Jude, I want you to remember that you are #1 in your life. You have to do what is best for YOU. If someone else doesn't like it or agree with what you do, that's their problem. You are in such a fragile state now, you must take care of yourself. Your SIL will have do deal with the loss in her own way; don't let her put a guilt-trip on you for anything. And don't worry about her; take care of yourself.
I hope you will come often to this forum, for there are some great, caring, supportive people here that are going through the same thing as you. We all care for each other and don't judge you.
God bless,
Thank you tngirl.
I appreciate your thoughts. I sometimes think that I am not feeling the grief the way I should. Right now I am so busy with all the paperwork that goes with insurance......he had several thru various sources. The grandkids are in my life. I am getting out Christmas shopping.........I just don't have that much time to "think". Will it catch up to me during the holidays? I think about my husband all the time. But it does not feel like grief......more of a sense of something missing. I do think about events that I would love to discuss with him, and I do find myself talking to him a lot. I feel he "has my back" and is helping me get thru this.
I'm sorry about your husband's death; it seems not only are you grieving his death, but you're also feeling the loss of your close relationship with his sister. What a shame.
I'd probably let it go for awhile, as others have said. If she calls, she calls; if not, let her alone for awhile. Call to say hi, or send her an e-mail saying you're thinking of her, but mostly I'd let her grieve in her own way for a little bit. And don't stress about it.
Take care.
I have sort of put her out of my mind for the time being. When she calls I will let her talk and get a sense of how she is feeling. Right now as I mentioned to tngirl, I am so busy I don't have time to think.
Thank you so much for your concern. I know I will have questions later on for those of you who have lost husbands. It was a shock to be the first in my circle of friends. No one would have guessed it would be me. I hope I can be as much help to my friends as they were to me when they have to go thru this experience.
Thank you so much for your concern. I know I will have questions later on for those of you who have lost husbands. It was a shock to be the first in my circle of friends. No one would have guessed it would be me. I hope I can be as much help to my friends as they were to me when they have to go thru this experience.[/quote]
Jude, I think staying busy is good. It is good for me to go to work everyday, although I know I'm not my chipper ole self. I am just very sensitive and don't like joking around like I used to.
I am the same way....the first in my circle of friends to lose my husband. They just don't understand how devastating the loss is. I find it comforting to talk here about my loss in hopes of helping someone else. I find it comforting to know that some of my feelings are felt by others. We are all in this together...this little club none of us wanted to join.....but I am thankful that I have all of you.
Please feel free to ask questions and share. I'm sure that just by being here you will help many others.
Wel, SIL did finally call and it was friendly and informative about her visit to her mom and how mom appreciated the BD card and check..What was not said was how am I doing, is everything ok. She did mention seeing the headstone on my facebood posting. She said she would call in a couple of weeks and that is fine with me.
I know I said that I was so busy and was not feeling the grief as I thought I would. Well it has finally hit. People have wstopped coming by, no calls. I feel very alone right now.
That with the fact that my son and DIL who are living with me are having problems..........have had problems and now I am seeing it first hand........I won't go into any details, but this is adding stress to me. The all on my own feeling is here and the anger is here that I have to handle all by my self. I am trying but I feel that everyone has back away and I am on my own. I know it is the holidays and everyone else is busy. I am seeing my friends on Thursday this week and I know that will help. When I leave their house I always would call my husband to tell him I was on my way home and I would see him that night. That pains me to think that will never happen again.
OP....She is now going through what you were, when you were the sole caregiver for your husband. Even you didn't have time to really visit while taking care of your hubby. Perhaps she feels a bit of guilt, knowing how she treated you, and cannot now ask for help from you because of these feelings...Who really knows.
But, I'd leave it alone...When she wants to talk she will call. Have more compassion for her than she did for you...You'll at east know that whether she ever acknowledges it or not. Grief is different for everyone.
My Sister was killed in a car wreck this summer. Her best friend was actually my best friend before I moved away 30 years ago. This friend couln't even come inside at the memorial services. She did finally show up to my sister's celebration of life service which was lovely, about 3 hours into it. She told me she had gotten to the door of the memorial service, and couldn't come inside, she had a terrible panic attack.
This friend cannot even respond to me on a facebook message, nor has she followed through helping my niece as she promised when my niece was doing the "housekeeping" type stuff following the next few weeks after my sister's celebration of life.
I have felt a bit hurt by this, but I do understand...You'll have to also. It is different for everyone. And, everyone has a right to grieve their way....Perhaps just a card telling her how you feel, empathize with her caring for your MIL...Offer to help if needed...Than go about your life. That is really all you can do. Pushing would make a rift you might both never get over. Condolences on the loss of your husband.
'PS....You may or may not already know, there are some wonderful supportive threads about grief on this forum...check them out, and maybe suggest this to your SIL too.
Here are a few links that you should check out, hoping they will help you. http://grieflossrecovery.com/ http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm http://www.webmd.com/balance/tc/grie...topic-overview http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife...grief-and-loss
Last edited by JanND; 11-25-2012 at 06:19 AM..
Reason: links
Just wanted to say . . . JAN: that was gracious and meaningful advice to recommend treating OP's SIL w/ more compassion than she herself was shown. I was very touched by that.
I honestly don't think I could be so gracious, although I hope I would be in the frame of mind to at least attempt it.
I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. You made good points about everyone handling grief and mourning in their own unique ways.
I know I said that I was so busy and was not feeling the grief as I thought I would. Well it has finally hit. People have wstopped coming by, no calls. I feel very alone right now.
That with the fact that my son and DIL who are living with me are having problems..........have had problems and now I am seeing it first hand........I won't go into any details, but this is adding stress to me. The all on my own feeling is here and the anger is here that I have to handle all by my self. I am trying but I feel that everyone has back away and I am on my own. I know it is the holidays and everyone else is busy. I am seeing my friends on Thursday this week and I know that will help. When I leave their house I always would call my husband to tell him I was on my way home and I would see him that night. That pains me to think that will never happen again.
Hi Jude, I can relate to how you are feeling about the "aloneness." If they only knew how you still need that contact, that caring, those calls. I was the same way after my husband passed away. The holidays have depressed me since my mom died in 1996. But I always had him. We agreed not to decorate and not make a big deal out of the holidays. Now he is gone, and I wish I had one more holiday with him.
I also experienced anger, which I didn't think I would. I was angry that he left me all alone. That is silly, because with his health condition and quality of life, it was a true blessing that he passed and is no longer suffering. But I was angry that I was left alone. Me, the one that always held it together for everyone else, his caregiver, his rock. I put my life on hold to take care of him, and now I have no one to do things with. No best friend, no rock of my own. 32 years of marriage just doesn't go away like that.
I cannot imagine how you must be feeling with your son and DIL's problems compounding your own. Any amount of stress is no good. Just remember, you must take care of yourself, put yourself as #1.
I am hoping the visit with your friends will help. I am having lunch with an old friend myself on Friday, then my girlfriend and I are going to lunch and a play on Saturday, so I am looking forward to those things. I really don't get out much....except to go to work everyday.
One other thing I might add, from personal experience.....I have experienced emotions that I didn't think I would. Months and months after he died, new things come up, and it surprises me to have to try to deal with them. You will know what I mean when the time comes, if you are anything like me.
My only advice is to remember to take one day at a time, come here often and write down your feelings; I find it very theraputic to "get them out" of me and share with others. I hope you feel the same way too.
OP....She is now going through what you were, when you were the sole caregiver for your husband. Even you didn't have time to really visit while taking care of your hubby. Perhaps she feels a bit of guilt, knowing how she treated you, and cannot now ask for help from you because of these feelings...Who really knows.
But, I'd leave it alone...When she wants to talk she will call. Have more compassion for her than she did for you...You'll at east know that whether she ever acknowledges it or not. Grief is different for everyone.
My Sister was killed in a car wreck this summer. Her best friend was actually my best friend before I moved away 30 years ago. This friend couln't even come inside at the memorial services. She did finally show up to my sister's celebration of life service which was lovely, about 3 hours into it. She told me she had gotten to the door of the memorial service, and couldn't come inside, she had a terrible panic attack.
This friend cannot even respond to me on a facebook message, nor has she followed through helping my niece as she promised when my niece was doing the "housekeeping" type stuff following the next few weeks after my sister's celebration of life.
I have felt a bit hurt by this, but I do understand...You'll have to also. It is different for everyone. And, everyone has a right to grieve their way....Perhaps just a card telling her how you feel, empathize with her caring for your MIL...Offer to help if needed...Than go about your life. That is really all you can do. Pushing would make a rift you might both never get over. Condolences on the loss of your husband.
'PS....You may or may not already know, there are some wonderful supportive threads about grief on this forum...check them out, and maybe suggest this to your SIL too.
Here are a few links that you should check out, hoping they will help you. Grief Poems, Articles & Memoirs | Grief Loss and Recovery Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement Grief and Grieving: Managing Sadness and Depression Signs Grief and Loss | This Emotional Life
Jan, so sorry for the loss of your sister. I feel time will help us all. I will check out the links you posted above. I know people are so different in their grieving process.
Hi Jude, I can relate to how you are feeling about the "aloneness." If they only knew how you still need that contact, that caring, those calls. I was the same way after my husband passed away. The holidays have depressed me since my mom died in 1996. But I always had him. We agreed not to decorate and not make a big deal out of the holidays. Now he is gone, and I wish I had one more holiday with him.
I also experienced anger, which I didn't think I would. I was angry that he left me all alone. That is silly, because with his health condition and quality of life, it was a true blessing that he passed and is no longer suffering. But I was angry that I was left alone. Me, the one that always held it together for everyone else, his caregiver, his rock. I put my life on hold to take care of him, and now I have no one to do things with. No best friend, no rock of my own. 32 years of marriage just doesn't go away like that.
I cannot imagine how you must be feeling with your son and DIL's problems compounding your own. Any amount of stress is no good. Just remember, you must take care of yourself, put yourself as #1.
I am hoping the visit with your friends will help. I am having lunch with an old friend myself on Friday, then my girlfriend and I are going to lunch and a play on Saturday, so I am looking forward to those things. I really don't get out much....except to go to work everyday.
One other thing I might add, from personal experience.....I have experienced emotions that I didn't think I would. Months and months after he died, new things come up, and it surprises me to have to try to deal with them. You will know what I mean when the time comes, if you are anything like me.
My only advice is to remember to take one day at a time, come here often and write down your feelings; I find it very theraputic to "get them out" of me and share with others. I hope you feel the same way too.
God bless you,
tngirl
Usually talking about things helps, but now trying to express my innermost feelings is difficult. I have never mentioned to my family about the anger issue. And I am angry that he left. It was six months from diagnosis to his death, but now it feels like the blink of an eye. Putting up the Christmas tree today brought thoughts of this time last year. Who would have thought. We all know we won't be around forever, but........well, you know.
I am going to be busy this week......I avoided black Friday. My friends will help but I don't want to break down in front of them. One friend who move away is about to go thru a very difficult time. Her husband has been diagnosed with ALS. They know what is coming. I try to call her sometimes, but she is so depressed that she seldom answers the phone. I will keep in touch with you and let it out with you.
Anifani & Jude...I appreciate the words.
Anger is a part of grief...I have sort of experienced it myself, finding out so many things that I didn't know while trying to take care of my disabled bros bills etc...My sister who lived there used to do it, and I would send money to her. Some of that anger has been at myself, for not knowing more firsthand...I could have been more supportive of my sister had I known then.....
Jude...Anger and all of the grief process is normal...We feel how we feel. There is no timeline, no set in stone process. I think it is important for all of us to know that.
I'm sorry that your friends are dealing w/ such a devastating disease. You may be of help just sharing w/ her your feelings eventually. I think our grief hurts less when we share it, and the many wonderful stories and eventually even laughter remembering our loved ones. It even does a lot of good sharing grief, it helps others who are more alone than ourselves to "normalize" what their feelings are, because sometimes we need to know that our feelings are ok. Jude, I wish you well. Also, I find it very positive that you already got your tree up. Sometimes it is like that movie line from Sleepless in Seattle..."You just have to remind yourself to breathe"...
So, Jude, do whatever feels important to you...Like TN and Anifani and others have shared...Take care of you.If it means calling your house when you leave your friends and leaving a voice mail message to your hubby...than do that. Take comfort in what makes you feel closer to your husband...I believe our loved ones know.
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