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My husband passed away 6 weeks ago from a seven month ordeal with cancer-brain tumor. His sister, he and I were all pretty close. SIL and I always got along well and we both said we were almost likereal sisters. She idolized her brother. He was six years older. With us in the south and she in the north, we did not see each other often, but talked on the phone at least everyother week....pre illness.
She came to stay a few days in the early part of his illness. We got along wonderfully and she was a great help with insurance and finances. I was pretty much a basket case at this time, and could not make a decision if my life depended on it. She left to go home and I was left to care for my husband who was declining quickly. I was his caregiver day and night and I was about to break. We finally got care during the day and that helped greatly. I was able to rest a bit during the day. But stress took its toll and I listened to the Hospice people about having a reprieve for myself. They would take my husband to a facility for just 5 days so I could get myself together. When she found out what I was about to do, she told me what she really thought of me.......I was only thinking of myself, I was selfish, and did not care about her brother. I was calm and told her I was doing what all the caregivers suggested. I had to keep myself well in order to take care of my husband for the sake of all family members. She just reacted visciously and finally hung up on me. I finally relented when my son came forward with someone who would come at night.
I was also in the middle of changing antidepressants. I had to go on anxiety meds for panic attacks. I called SIL back.........she would not answer so I left a message to tell her he was staying at home and we had arranged for some help. I was finally able to sleep at night and the meds kicked in and I felt much better.
My SIL would call once in awhile (she was checking in with my son more often) I would talk to her, but not in the way we once did. I would give her updates, and then if another family member was there, hand the phone to them.
For six months I watched my husband of 43 years slip away a litttle each day. I would sit with him and watch his favorite tv shows......sometimes he was responsive, sometimes not. I adjusted to taking charge of household tasks, bill paying. Then I had to start feeding him, changing diapers, etc. The last day (didn't know it then) I had to use a machine to suck out phlegm from his throat. Each day was painful, but I did all of this with love for my best friend.
Then he died a peaceful death with me, sons, one DIL and one granddaughter by his side.
SIL came in a couple of days. Helped with funeral arrangements and FINALLY appoligized for the way she had treated me. This leads she behaved on the phone. That is all I wanted from her. We were fine after that.
She went back home and we promised to call often. This leads me to the main topic. I called her about two weeks after the funeral......phone went to voice mail. I said there was no problem just wanted to say hi. Did not hear for a couple of days, so I tried again and when she answered it was as if she thought I was calling because something was wrong. The bottom line was SHE was having difficulty in accepting her brother's death and would I not call so often. I must also add that their mother is still living (90) and lives in Flordia. SIL said she would be flying there on the 19th of November and she would call me then. I know she now feels the brunt of taking care of her mother, which she has for years, even tho Mother left for good, this daughter at 15,to take care of an alcholic father. She has had a terrible life, but made many wrong choices on her own. She does not blame Mom for any past mistakes.
When she left me with the feeling of "Don't call me, I'll call you", I felt disappointment. Now I feel anger, and I don't really want to feel this way. She saw me in my most vunerable state of mind. Now I am feeling good. She doesn't seem to like that idea. Do I let her dictate to me when we will talk? Do I take that call on the 19th and be at her beck and call. Sure I am grieving, I am sad, but I know my husband would want me to be happy and get on with my life.
Oh dear, Jude. First off, my condolences about your husband. (((HUGS))) Secondly, I am very sorry to hear of the grief your SIL is causing for you, it's like you have lost 2 people instead of one.
IMO and what I would do personally is just let it be. IF she calls on the 19th, I'd be cordial but aloof. Let her do her own thing and maybe she will come to grips with her brother's death a little more/better. I would NOT let her "get to me" and have me at her beck and call. Go on about your own life and let her live her's. TIME is the great healer they say and believe me, all of us here have learned that is true. Give the situation time and go from there. Don't let this "kid" upset your life anymore than your husband's passing has.
Oh dear, Jude. First off, my condolences about your husband. (((HUGS))) Secondly, I am very sorry to hear of the grief your SIL is causing for you, it's like you have lost 2 people instead of one.
IMO and what I would do personally is just let it be. IF she calls on the 19th, I'd be cordial but aloof. Let her do her own thing and maybe she will come to grips with her brother's death a little more/better. I would NOT let her "get to me" and have me at her beck and call. Go on about your own life and let her live her's. TIME is the great healer they say and believe me, all of us here have learned that is true. Give the situation time and go from there. Don't let this "kid" upset your life anymore than your husband's passing has.
GOD bless and good luck,
~tami~
Thank you Tami. That is good advise. I am trying to do my best by everyone. Time is the best healer, and I will give her the time that she needs to heal.
Hey Jude, I also wanted to offer my condolences on the loss of your husband. I am so sorry for your loss, which is compounded by the way your SIL is acting.
I have learned from first-hand experience that even the best of families can have strained relationships. I have a sister that chooses not to have anything to do with me. Over the years, I have finally come to the realization that I cannot change the way someone else feels, family or not. I have just learned to accept that's how they are and go on with my life. It still hurts.
Your loss is so new and you will most likely experience all forms of grief like the rest of us. I have experienced feelings that I didn't even expect. Everyone is different, so don't let anyone tell you how you should grieve, or how long you should grieve.
Jude, I want you to remember that you are #1 in your life. You have to do what is best for YOU. If someone else doesn't like it or agree with what you do, that's their problem. You are in such a fragile state now, you must take care of yourself. Your SIL will have do deal with the loss in her own way; don't let her put a guilt-trip on you for anything. And don't worry about her; take care of yourself.
I hope you will come often to this forum, for there are some great, caring, supportive people here that are going through the same thing as you. We all care for each other and don't judge you.
I'm sorry about your husband's death; it seems not only are you grieving his death, but you're also feeling the loss of your close relationship with his sister. What a shame.
I'd probably let it go for awhile, as others have said. If she calls, she calls; if not, let her alone for awhile. Call to say hi, or send her an e-mail saying you're thinking of her, but mostly I'd let her grieve in her own way for a little bit. And don't stress about it.
I can't imagine how you feel over the loss of your husband, please take care of yourself.
Understand that everyone grieves differently. It may be that you are a constant reminder that he is no longer around. Give it time. Just let her know that you love and care for her.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Jude, I'm so sorry you lost your husband. It's a difficult time as we can all attest to. From reading your post, it sounds like your sil might have been scared knowing she was going to lose her big brother, and so she pulled away from you. Sometimes, when we're scared that we're losing someone, we avoid them hoping it won't happen, the "if you ignore it, it will go away" attitude. Then when her brother, your husband died, what she had been hoping would go away, happened, and it is easier for her if she isn't reminded of it by talking to you.
My sil was the older sibling, but she pulled away after my husband died. Their parents were gone, then her only sibling was gone, and she wanted to be left alone for a while to accept the reality of being an "orphan", even though she still had her husband (no kids). It took her a few months, but she came around, and we talk often.
Like the others have said, I'd let your sil be, let her handle her brother's passing in her own time. She may see her brother's passing, and her mom's decline as a reality check on her own mortality, and that really scares her, so she needs time to accept that you're alive, and her brother's not. She may even be angry about that. Let her come to you when she's ready, and be there for her. In the meantime, we're all here and you can talk to us anytime you need to.
I am so sorry for your loss and that you have been through such a difficult time. It sounds as though you did everything humanly possible to take care of your husband and get through a situation that had to tear you apart emotionally and tear you down physically, as well.
As much as you feel your SIL had been like a sister to you, she isn't your sister. She is your husband's sister. She may resent having to share her grief with you. Who knows? She may have never felt as close to you as you thought she did. Maybe she just needs a break from all the sadness and talking to you reminds her of it. Maybe she is actually quite angry with you (misplaced anger) and it has taken a lot for her to apologize and present a front of civility -- but which she did only for surface reasons and resents having felt compelled to do (to keep peace).
In the end, she has sent you a very strong message and I would not spend time analyzing it, frankly. She put things on the level that if and when she wishes to pick up a relationship with you, she will contact you. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. I would take it that she wants a "time out" - and it really doesn't matter why.
I personally don't respond well to behavior such as this but I know I am not wired like everyone around me. I would have decided that I could never trust my SIL again after the way she accosted you on the phone, regardless of an apology to follow. I would remain civil but I certainly would not be seeking out a relationship with someone who had spoken to me in that disrespectful, accusatory manner at such a vulnerable time in my life (and when she was certainly in no position to stand in judgment). But as I said, I am not wired like most folks. You seem to be hurt by her behavior, but honestly . . . it seems a good time to reassess how involved you really and truly want this person to be in your life.
Most excellent post anifani. I totally agree with you.
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