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My Mom died a few years ago, and my father last year. I am disappointed with my family members, all of which were in it for a money grab. The knife in my back from my sister(s) are still there, and they were waiting in the wake till my Dad died to grab for the rest of the money (middle sister manipulated my Dad into signing everything into her name "for tax purposes" two months before he died) and the other sister (oldest one) brag to me about how glad she was that Mom and Dad were dead and hope the rest of the siblings are soon behind. She is a real bitter one and I felt I needed to tell her they were dead even though my parents were estranged from her. My brother was also estranged from my Dad in his last year, but not my Mom. So I felt I needed to tell him. My brother never said sorry, wouldn't come to funeral, and wanted to know what was his, and all the gossip about my sisters! My Uncle and Aunt, as well as my Nephew and Niece, hung around enough to gauge who the money went to, and then fled to my executor sisters side and I rarely hear from them. My sister since has "written them off" because all they care about was money and it was apparent to her...so this is how condolences rolled in my family.
I am disappointed in my in-laws, who didn't really say anything when it happened except for my mother in law. My mother in law went out of her way to text that she was sorry, and a snide comment about how hard it must be, both my parents are now dead (not just one, but both...poor you, then when I responded back, radio silence). My 16 year old step son who was living with us and went to the funeral finally said sorry for your loss the day of funeral when we were in route, and nothing else (of course, after my husband asked twice "did he say sorry", and I tell him not yet).
I was disappointed in my friends, who contacted me or stopped at the funeral for two minutes, and then said "call me sometime" and never followed up...or the friend who I took up on offer to go to breakfast two weeks after Dad died, and she said "I was shocked to hear from you, I didn't think you would actually go to breakfast - well, see you again in six months, maybe!!"...so she called my bluff as far as someone to hang out with after my Dad died!!! And she gave a weird chuckle when she said the 6 months comments...why did she even offer then?
My co-workers...who upon return to the office pretended nothing happened (some going as far as asking about my vacation, and when I said about my Dad, kind of said oh yeah, I forgot...I heard about that). They gossiped about it, but didn't say sorry.
I got into a grief support group, where a member basically told me I don't know grief because it isn't like I lost a spouse, I just lost parents.
Mind you, I am not the type of person to complain and moan and groan, I am the type of person to say very little, I am shy and basically it was hard to even tell people my Dad died (I didn't even tell them he was sick), let alone that I was still dealing with my Mom's death, and because my Dad was grieving so much, I put my own grieving on hold for a long time. I got through this tough period by reading books and praying, and I actually really, really shut down emotionally/socially for a while to just give myself time to heal. I visited no one over Christmas and have not hung out with one friend or family member in the new year, have gotten involved with very few conversations at work, and I know that is "dangerous" for someone with a limited support system, but I needed me time! I will get back into talking to people again, maybe even about fun things, who knows. But right now, I have put up invisible fences around my soul! I find myself asking tons of questions about others, and letting them know very, very little about me...feels kinda good and mysterious, I like it!
I am not holding grudges, but I think at the end of the day, people just don't care about what is not in their little world and/or they just care about FUN! Death is not FUN, it is not supposed to be FUN, so the fun people can not handle the SERIOUS emotions that come along with death. It is a trigger for them. I try to get that, and try not to hold it against them. And then there are those folks like my mother in law, my older sister, that woman in the support group, or my "breakfast friend" who take the weakness of others, and twist it for their own gain! Those people are not cool...and the trick is to gauge who is like that when talking to them so you do not get too emotionally vested in them as people, or take to the bank what they are saying. Sometimes, I noticed, these people will avert eyes when talking...they can't even look people in the eyes while exposing another's weakness...
So, that is my take in a bunch of paragraphs on condolences...moral of the story...don't be a douche. Pick up your big girl or boy panties, just say sorry, don't exploit, move on...rinse and repeat...sending a card is nice too!
Many people do not know how to politely observe the death of other's family members. They may not even know how to express sorrow within their own family. And then some people are just self absorbed clods.
In the business world condolences should be a polite courtesy expressed in some manner according to what is customary within that organization.
I have a whole lecture/philosophy about this sort of thing, but it doesn't help those whose feelings have been hurt.
The rituals and decorum of life, and the celebrations of life, have been corrupted by the breakdown of the family structure.
People have ignorance of propriety, because they were not raised right.
Not much anyone can do about it, but if your mom came to your graduation looking like she just hopped off the lawnmower, I'm taking about you. If you weren't taught how to tell someone that you are desperately sorry for their loss, then I'm talking about you.
I am very hurt that my Company who I have given 6 years of top quality work didn't even send a card. My daughter was only 33 and left behind 2 toddlers and we are devastated. My son's company sent flowers, cards and he has been with them just 1 year.
Very sorry for your loss.
Quote:
Originally Posted by evening sun
After my Father died, I was flabbergasted that some people did not mention it, I was so upset, I even asked one good frined, why didn;t she say anything, her response was :she did not want to upset me, by bringing it up, ( I had taken time of work to travel to the funeral,) so she thought, wrongly it was best to say nothing. I do not hold it against people if they do not say anything, it is not the way or the culture I was raised in, but I am not them.
nst I am so sorry for your loss. she was far too young to die. hugs
People who tell you they don't say anything because they don't want to upset you, aren't thinking about you at all. It's all about them.
You're already upset, to not say anything will make most people feel worse. A kind word even from a stranger can make all the difference.
After my dad passed, I got a card from a surgeon my father had only seen a couple of times. My dad had a great sense of humor and was well liked.
This is very busy man took the time to write out a card(it had been a couple of months) and he just heard and mentioned that in the card. I burst into tears, I was so moved. I called his office and told the office manager to please let him know his kindness meant so much.
While I don't hold grudges against those I didn't hear from him. I couldn't help but think he is a very busy doctor but he took the time to send a card. While others couldn't pick up the phone or send a card who lead much less demanding lives.
I have a whole lecture/philosophy about this sort of thing, but it doesn't help those whose feelings have been hurt.
The rituals and decorum of life, and the celebrations of life, have been corrupted by the breakdown of the family structure. People have ignorance of propriety, because they were not raised right.
Not much anyone can do about it, but if your mom came to your graduation looking like she just hopped off the lawnmower, I'm taking about you. If you weren't taught how to tell someone that you are desperately sorry for their loss, then I'm talking about you.
I am very hurt that my Company who I have given 6 years of top quality work didn't even send a card. My daughter was only 33 and left behind 2 toddlers and we are devastated. My son's company sent flowers, cards and he has been with them just 1 year.
It could be the size of the company. Most have a death in the family procedure.
Please don't hold it against someone if they do not send a card. I have had a few times when I should have sent a card or flowers and didn't. When the mom of a close co-worker died I had just gone into the hospital for surgery and it wasn't until several weeks later that I felt well enough to get back into my regular routine. By then it seems almost too late to send a card (although I probably should have). I did express my condolences in person when I got back to work.
In another case I didn't find out about a death until several months later.
It is always possible that a card was sent to an incorrect address or lost in the mail.
This is true, and it can also be the fact that the person does not know how to deal with death. Condolences don't help one bit anyway, not to me at least. "I'm sorry your loved one died." OK. That doesn't help. It doesn't bring the person back, the well wisher doesn't know how I feel, even if they experienced it themselves (especially if they are a stranger), and the sentiment feels flat, empty, and even insincere. I would rather receive nothing then a condolence given just out of a sense of obligation.
I may have posted this before but my Mom's death was sudden and unexpected, even though she was elderly. I really appreciated the people who asked me what happened. I WANTED to talk about it, because I was still reeling and in the "shock" phase, not really knowing what caused the fatal fall. So, many times I will talk to a bereaved person about what happened or maybe other questions about their loved one, depending on the situation, of course. I have found very few who do not want to talk and I think they appreciate my concern.
Well my self esteem and self respect is way too solid and high to be worried about petty little stuff like cards, calls and acknowledgements. Before working on my self worth, all of those "slights" hurt my overly fragile and needy feelings a lot. After doing just a little self respect work, my childish neediness faded and my ability to overlook or handle personal slights and the ignorance of others jumped up to #10. Learning not to take things PERSONALLY was the best lesson I've ever found and now I see how martyrs and heroes live their lives and manage their pain. They don't take anything PERSONALLY.
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