Is there anyone who did NOT send condolences to you?
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You are a much stronger person that I am because if my kids did that to me I wouldn't be able to handle it so graciously and without saying a thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech
Me neither. They would be hearing it from me at some point.
I can appreciate what you both say. However, there are some mitigating factors. The ex spent 14 or more years severely alienating me from my children and to some degree, some more, some a bit less, it worked well. With My Peggy's help, gentle guidance and support I spent 20 years trying to undo the damage. That too has worked to some degree with some and a bit lesser degree with others.
In the aftermath of the almost unbearable loss of My Peggy, now is not the time to risk stepping backward from the gains she worked so hard to make happen with my children and my relationships with them. While I can deplore what I see as slights from them I can also silently forgive them and continue to work all the harder to heal whatever might ail them where Peggy and I are concerned. This is the plan I intend to follow. Risking a deeper chasm would not serve any of us well. It would also be an affront to my wife who truly loved them all unconditionally. Can I really do any less?
In the aftermath of the almost unbearable loss of My Peggy, now is not the time to risk stepping backward from the gains she worked so hard to make happen with my children and my relationships with them.
Im with you.. in fact at such a time I dont even know if I went through all the cards.. Im not meaning to make less of death but keeping scores is like watching how many reps you have on here, I couldnt even guess what mine are and dont care... its not important to me..
apples to oranges ( comparing real world friends to internet " friends" )
I haven't read about anyone " keeping score" but when you don't hear from close friends you notice it.
I have a friend whom I don't see much anymore, but we usually send each other birthday cards and catch up by phone maybe once a year or so. I texted her when my Mom died. No response. A few months later, I sent her a birthday card and mentioned that my Mom had died -- nothing.
This happened with me, but with my cousin. After my mom died - no acknowledgement from her. And my mom had been like a second mother to her when she was growing up. There must have been a rift later on, or falling out of some sort, although I will never know for sure. Although we noticed the snub, we had too much going on at the time to care. So if she had a goal of hurting us by not calling or sending a note, it didn't work.
I can appreciate what you both say. However, there are some mitigating factors. The ex spent 14 or more years severely alienating me from my children and to some degree, some more, some a bit less, it worked well. With My Peggy's help, gentle guidance and support I spent 20 years trying to undo the damage. That too has worked to some degree with some and a bit lesser degree with others.
In the aftermath of the almost unbearable loss of My Peggy, now is not the time to risk stepping backward from the gains she worked so hard to make happen with my children and my relationships with them. While I can deplore what I see as slights from them I can also silently forgive them and continue to work all the harder to heal whatever might ail them where Peggy and I are concerned. This is the plan I intend to follow. Risking a deeper chasm would not serve any of us well. It would also be an affront to my wife who truly loved them all unconditionally. Can I really do any less?
You are quite a guy Curmudgeon. I hope your children wake up to that one day. Hugs to you.
apples to oranges ( comparing real world friends to internet " friends" )
I haven't read about anyone " keeping score" but when you don't hear from close friends you notice it.
Rep points from strangers? not the same.
no of course its not the same, and not what I meant, I was talking about myself personally and how I dont noticed certain things.. and to this day I still dont know who all sent me cards when my mum died even though Ive kept them all..
apples to oranges ( comparing real world friends to internet " friends" )
I haven't read about anyone " keeping score" but when you don't hear from close friends you notice it.
Rep points from strangers? not the same.
Exactly, this isn't about keeping score.
You've suffered a tremendous loss and for someone who is supposed to be close to say nothing?
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla
This happened with me, but with my cousin. After my mom died - no acknowledgement from her. And my mom had been like a second mother to her when she was growing up. There must have been a rift later on, or falling out of some sort, although I will never know for sure. Although we noticed the snub, we had too much going on at the time to care. So if she had a goal of hurting us by not calling or sending a note, it didn't work.
Good for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dizzybint
no of course its not the same, and not what I meant, I was talking about myself personally and how I dont noticed certain things.. and to this day I still dont know who all sent me cards when my mum died even though Ive kept them all..
This makes absolutely no sense. If you kept the cards you know who sent them and who didn't. It's not that hard to figure out "I never heard from Linda, she was mom's friend for 30 years".
This makes absolutely no sense. If you kept the cards you know who sent them and who didn't. It's not that hard to figure out "I never heard from Linda, she was mom's friend for 30 years".
So now on top of our grief, we're supposed to go through the deceased' address books again to make sure everyone we told he had died, had sent a card?
Even if you'd never had a huge loss, you should understand how petty that is.
So now on top of our grief, we're supposed to go through the deceased' address books again to make sure everyone we told he had died, had sent a card?
Even if you'd never had a huge loss, you should understand how petty that is.
I have had 3 major losses in the last 5 years. One one this year.
Where did you get going through the address book? Didn't say anything about doing that and finding "gee didn't hear from Bob Smith, they worked together in 1972".
Talking about people who are close to the family who you just don't hear from. It is hurtful. In fact you don't have to go through anything, you know you didn't hear from them.
I have had 3 major losses in the last 5 years. One one this year.
Where did you get going through the address book? Didn't say anything about doing that and finding "gee didn't hear from Bob Smith, they worked together in 1972".
Talking about people who are close to the family who you just don't hear from. It is hurtful. In fact you don't have to go through anything, you know you didn't hear from them.
I've lost count how many times this has been explained, more than once by seain dublin, who does an excellent job. However, it's almost as if there is a reader equivalent to sticking one's fingers in one's ears and singing "lalalalalala" so what's being said can't be heard.
Let me make this really simple.
My father died in February.
I was devastated.
As I was walking out of my father's hospital room, I sent word of his passing to someone I considered close to me.
No word back.
Visitation, funeral, no word.
This hurt me terribly.
Distant relatives, neighbors...I have no idea. Many were there, I'm sure some were not. That's ok. I appreciate the ones who came or sent cards or flowers.
There is no keeping score. It's not about expecting acquaintances to be there in a time of need, or at all.
The relationships we have, the people we love, they are what counts in this life.
To find out that I'm not on the "counts" list was like being kicked when I was down.
If someone honestly can't understand this, then he/she is probably one of those doing the kicking.
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