Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
In October 2010, my last grandmother died. One of my mother's sisters (my aunt) had been estranged from her mother (my grandmother) for more than 30 years. They had an argument about something and never spoke to each other again.
When grandma got ill, my mother called her sister, who lives 300 miles away, and told her that their mother was about to die. The aunt said, "OK," and hung up the phone.
Long story short, my aunt refused to see her own mother before she died and then she refused to attend her own mother's funeral. A few days after the funeral, my mother tried to call her sister. The aunt said: "I don't want to talk," and hung up the phone.
A few months later after the probate court settled grandma's estate, the aunt received her cut of the inheritance and promptly cashed the check, according to the lawyer who saw the cancelled check.
When my father died in March of this year, my mom didn't even bother to contact her sister (my aunt). My sister notified one of her children (our cousin) through Twitter that he died. Since then, this aunt has not bothered to call or send a card to my mother. She has completely washed her hands of the family.
In October 2010, my last grandmother died. One of my mother's sisters (my aunt) had been estranged from her mother (my grandmother) for more than 30 years. They had an argument about something and never spoke to each other again.
When grandma got ill, my mother called her sister, who lives 300 miles away, and told her that their mother was about to die. The aunt said, "OK," and hung up the phone.
Long story short, my aunt refused to see her own mother before she died and then she refused to attend her own mother's funeral. A few days after the funeral, my mother tried to call her sister. The aunt said: "I don't want to talk," and hung up the phone.
A few months later after the probate court settled grandma's estate, the aunt received her cut of the inheritance and promptly cashed the check, according to the lawyer who saw the cancelled check.
When my father died in March of this year, my mom didn't even bother to contact her sister (my aunt). My sister notified one of her children (our cousin) through Twitter that he died. Since then, this aunt has not bothered to call or send a card to my mother. She has completely washed her hands of the family.
Yikes, that must have hurt terribly, especially for your mother.
This reminds me of my father's experience with his brother's family although it's kind of in the reverse from your experience. His brother lived across the country from the rest of us but called regularly. He eventually stopped calling after entering a group home. His family would not return phone calls and the group home would give out no information. My parents drove across the country to see about my uncle. When they arrived at the facility where he was supposed to be, the staff, of course, would tell them nothing. My father told them to get somebody on the phone who COULD talk to them because he wasn't leaving until he got some information on his brother.
The staff called my uncle's step-daughter who informed my parents, over the phone, that my uncle was dead. When asked why no one had informed his family, she said because one of my uncle's siblings had pissed her off several years ago. There were six siblings and she wouldn't say who. Apparently, she considered this enough reason to keep his illness and death a secret from his family. My parents, of course, were stunned and were then faced with a cross country drive to get back home.
Obviously, some losses will mean more in our lives than others. However, no one gets to define that for someone else. Losing a cousin or friend, etc can be devastating if one is close to that person. Losing my cat was devastating to me...no different than any other close family member. A few people understood. Most did not. Several people actually made the statement that "it's just a cat." The fact that I was a puddle on the floor meant nothing to these people.
When my Grandmother died I was again devastated. I have found that most people are not close to their grandmothers. One idiot actually made the comment, "it was just her grandmother" to a friend of mine. Good thing it wasn't said to me...I probably would have punched them in the nose. I had become much less forgiving of that kind of crap since my cat died.
Craigcreek, the ugly truth is that a great many people don't have the capacity to see past their own noses. If a certain type of relationship isn't important to them, they simply are not capable of the comprehension necessary to understand that it could be important to someone else.
However, the quote above is a little different. "It is just a cousin despite their closeness to you." This denotes an awareness that the relationship is important to you as well as a conscious acknowlegement that they just don't care.
The first is a lack of comprehension that compassion should be shown, the second is a conscious choice not to show compassion. The second is by far the worse of the two but I have made the totally conscious choice that I want neither type of person in my life.
I love this post
I currently have a very sick grandmother in ICU. I'm a mess...and one person I thought was a friend hasn't even reach out to say hey how is she?
I have no room in my life either for people like that..I know he's fine too..saw his Facebook posts....deleted him..told him off n he's gone. Sometimes it just boils down to people can be self centered turds.
this post is interesting, I'm going through this myself having just experienced a death in my family.
Most friends have been supportive, but kind of surprised at the ones who haven't reached out with a how are you doing type of thing. I know people don't know what to say sometimes.
When I was in that situation, I tried first not to beat myself up over anything, and I tried next to remember that others weren't really any better at this than I was. It's just a hard thing all around.
this post is interesting, I'm going through this myself having just experienced a death in my family.
Most friends have been supportive, but kind of surprised at the ones who haven't reached out with a how are you doing type of thing. I know people don't know what to say sometimes.
Sometimes I think I'm too sensitive.
You're not too sensitive. If people can't say or do a damn thing, it's on them. I was taught to go the funeral home, cemetery, church, send flowers, a card, food. Anything. People are grieving when a loved one dies and they need help.
You're not too sensitive. If people can't say or do a damn thing, it's on them. I was taught to go the funeral home, cemetery, church, send flowers, a card, food. Anything. People are grieving when a loved one dies and they need help.
I agree. I find myself saying, well if it was me, I would do such and such. But people are proving me wrong. Was surprised at those who haven't reached out much. Well, live and learn.
I received the "cold shoulder" (I'm describing it nicely) from my daughter-in-law's mother at her baby shower. Two weeks later I find out from my son, that it's because her mother felt that I should've offered condolences on the death of her 19 year-old daughter who died tragically about a year before. Now to give you a little history... I had only formally met my daughter-in-laws mother on 9/17/17 when I went over to her house to help with planning the baby shower (which was pleasant). We had no contact after that until two days before the baby shower on 10/15/17. To go a little further, my son and daughter-in-law weren't a couple or even in contact at the time of her sister's death. They were friends in high school and we lived in the same neighborhood from 2008-2012. I never met her mother during that time and I had only seen her little sister in passing because the bus stop was in front of our house and if I were outside we'd say hi. My son reached out on Facebook(which I'm not on) to his now wife at the time of the tragedy and they took off from there. Now fast forward to the present... Should I have offered condolences to the mother??? If I'm wrong I'd like to know. Of course I am HEARTLY SORRY for the loss of her baby girl and I wish I could go back because it would not be a problem for me to express that to her! I'm just so very confused...
I received the "cold shoulder" (I'm describing it nicely) from my daughter-in-law's mother at her baby shower. Two weeks later I find out from my son, that it's because her mother felt that I should've offered condolences on the death of her 19 year-old daughter who died tragically about a year before. Now to give you a little history... I had only formally met my daughter-in-laws mother on 9/17/17 when I went over to her house to help with planning the baby shower (which was pleasant). We had no contact after that until two days before the baby shower on 10/15/17. To go a little further, my son and daughter-in-law weren't a couple or even in contact at the time of her sister's death. They were friends in high school and we lived in the same neighborhood from 2008-2012. I never met her mother during that time and I had only seen her little sister in passing because the bus stop was in front of our house and if I were outside we'd say hi. My son reached out on Facebook(which I'm not on) to his now wife at the time of the tragedy and they took off from there. Now fast forward to the present... Should I have offered condolences to the mother??? If I'm wrong I'd like to know. Of course I am HEARTLY SORRY for the loss of her baby girl and I wish I could go back because it would not be a problem for me to express that to her! I'm just so very confused...
It's my opinion that if the lady brought up her daughter in conversation it would have been appropriate to offer condolences if you wanted to. Otherwise, I don't believe so. You didn't know these people at the time and, although I'm sure it's still forefront in the poor lady's mind, there's no reason it should be for you.
At this point, what is needed is to smooth a few ruffled feathers to help ensure future peace and harmony in the family. Your words above indicate you are a very caring person. The lady is obviously still very raw. You might want to consider calling her up and expressing condolences, ask about her daughter and then just let her talk. You'll have to work past the "cold shoulder". But you're in no way obligated.
You just saved me all kinds tying, and worrying about grammar and punctuation.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Am I wrong???
