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This post started me thinking that perhaps the way to handle this would be for the OP to send a nice friendly note to her friend, saying that you were wondering how she was doing--that you hadn't heard from her since your mother passed--and you just wanted to check in with her. (or something to that effect)
That would build a bridge over this troubled water, re-establish contact and move the relationship forward. It might elicit the expression of sympathy at your mother's passing.....but even if it didn't it would be a step in a positive direction and role model your expectation of how friends treat one another.
I just wanted to know if any of you experienced anything like this when you lost a loved one:
My Mom died in Feb. I'm an only child but have a ton of cousins. One cousin lives cross-country, but she was always very solicitous of my Mom, even coming to stay with her for a week when she was sick and I couldn't be there, sending her flowers occasionally, etc. However....I did not hear one word from her when my Mom died. When I posted on FB that my Mom was gravely ill, she commented "Nooooo!". After that, I heard nothing. No call, no sympathy card, not even a FB message....nothing. I thought maybe she was just in denial, so despite not hearing from her, I sent her the "funeral packet" (obituary, Mass booklet, holy card, eulogy). No acknowledgement. Weird, huh?
I have a friend whom I don't see much anymore, but we usually send each other birthday cards and catch up by phone maybe once a year or so. I texted her when my Mom died. No response. A few months later, I sent her a birthday card and mentioned that my Mom had died -- nothing. I know she knows, because she told another friend, who promptly sent me a sympathy card. Am I right to feel offended? I'm thinking no more birthday cards for her, if she can't even acknowledge the death of my mother.
I am the type of person who calls, visits, attends funerals, sends cards, etc. I can't imagine why these two have not contacted me at all, other than perhaps they have a really hard time dealing with death. However, it still ticks me off. Anyone else have this type of experience?
I had the exact same experience from all relatives after dad died then 11 months later mom died. I don't understand, that's why I'm here. Do they feel it's their loss too and not acknowledging the daughter is necessary. I received cards from moms dentist, hairdresser, my coworkers but nothing from family or close friends. Comments welcome.
I agree with many of the posters as to why your cousin didn't send a card or anything. We all deal with grief differently and your Mom's death may have thrown her for a loop.
The poster that suggested that you call her is an excellent idea because you never know what's going on with someone.
When my son died, all of my siblings were here at my side and they all sent flowers except for my one brother. I hugged him and told him I was sorry the night that my son died and he came to my house. Without cross posting, I'll just say that he's selfish. He never did tell me he was sorry and I let it eat at me for 4 years. I confronted him a couple of months ago and he yelled at me that he was devastated. He just cares about himself.
That entire time is such a blur to me that I was overwhelmed with all of the good from total strangers along with all of the love and support from my close siblings, family and my son's friends and co-workers. I didn't remember some people being at the funeral home... and I was embarrassed about that.
Death is handled differently today by some people. I've read other posts on the subject of death and mourning. It seems like some people don't have compassion or empathy. Maybe it a genetic thing, I don't know. I do know that it hurts.
I hope you can find comfort in whatever her reasoning is or was.
Just feeling comforted reading everyone's responses here. Thank you for your condolences and for sharing your personal stories, and I extend my condolences to you as well. This is a wonderful group and I am glad to have found it.
I could not disagree more with the vast majority of posts here. When a close loved one dies, it is normal and natural to expect support from close friends. If you have known someone and shared even a relatively close friendship or association with that person, then it is no less than classless to not send condolences following a loss. It is frankly, extremely cruel. Anyone who wants to defend this type of anti social behavior should take a moment ( at least) to reflect on their bad behavior. You are either civilized or uncivilized. The choice is yours.
As for the person hurt by the lack of acknowledgement, my recommendation is to erase such people from your lives. You learn who your true friends are at a time of loss. Consider your life better for knowing who the wastes are and who the gems are.
My brother-in-law's aunt died. We were not close, but we had socialized a bit, and we had been invited in the past to several parties at their house, as part of the greater family. So I send a sympathy card. Strangely, I later received from the daughter of the woman who died (my brother-in-law's cousin) a thank you card for my sympathy card. Over all the years that I have sent condolence cards to all kinds of friends and family, I have never before received a thank you for my card. Not that this is bad, but it was a surprise, and certainly I did not expect to be thanked so formally for sending a card. I guess it was just an effort to reach out, to deal with her grief by communicating by the people who expressed caring.
It wasn't that she was just thanking you for your card, you touched her greatly. You didn't know her mother well but you had enough class to send a card. While it was a small effort on your part, it meant the world to her.
I had a Dr(a surgeon know less) whom my father had seen. My dad had a great sense of humor, and was well liked. Yet there were certain people who never sent a card or called, I was hurt and thought it was cold.
Yet months later a hand written letter forwarded to my address from this doctor, it moved me to tears. He said he just found out my dad passed and sent his condolences. I called his office to say thank you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elsa paris
I could not disagree more with the vast majority of posts here. When a close loved one dies, it is normal and natural to expect support from close friends. If you have known someone and shared even a relatively close friendship or association with that person, then it is no less than classless to not send condolences following a loss. It is frankly, extremely cruel. Anyone who wants to defend this type of anti social behavior should take a moment ( at least) to reflect on their bad behavior. You are either civilized or uncivilized. The choice is yours.
As for the person hurt by the lack of acknowledgement, my recommendation is to erase such people from your lives. You learn who your true friends are at a time of loss. Consider your life better for knowing who the wastes are and who the gems are.
This.
Sorry, telling the OP your cousin may have been too devastated to respond is ridiculous. Excuse me, losing your mother over losing an aunt, isn't in the same ballpark.
If you're decent you're there for the immediate family or person who suffered the loss.
It's beyond self absorbed to not pick up the phone or send a card because you're too upset, it's not a time to think about yourself, you think about the ones who suffered the direct loss.
I will always remember of a friend of mine who was dying said when his sister started distancing herself because she couldn't handle him dying. "She can't handle it, how the hell does she think I feel, I'm the one dying".
It's beyond self absorbed to not pick up the phone or send a card because you're too upset, it's not a time to think about yourself, you think about the ones who suffered the direct loss.
I will always remember of a friend of mine who was dying said when his sister started distancing herself because she couldn't handle him dying. "She can't handle it, how the hell does she think I feel, I'm the one dying".
Well, this is the way I feel about it, too. I remember when a co-worker (a boss, actually) died suddenly at 53. One of the other managers (his peer, they both reported to the same VP) blew off the funeral, saying he couldn't handle funerals. I was just appalled. I mentioned this in another post, that if the family is putting on a viewing or funeral, then obviously it's important to them, whether or not YOU agree with open caskets or whatever. It is not a time for thinking about yourself, so THAT should not be the reason you do not attend.
When my husband died, I got dozens of cards from people at church, friends, relatives and calls, too, mostly from relatives. I did not, however, keep a list or tally them up. If someone failed to send a condolence, I would not have noticed. I appreciated the ones I got. My mind was so lost in grief, why would I care if this or that person didn't send a card? I can't understand why anyone would care about that kind of minutia at the time of such loss.
When my husband died, I got dozens of cards from people at church, friends, relatives and calls, too, mostly from relatives. I did not, however, keep a list or tally them up. If someone failed to send a condolence, I would not have noticed. I appreciated the ones I got. My mind was so lost in grief, why would I care if this or that person didn't send a card? I can't understand why anyone would care about that kind of minutia at the time of such loss.
Stand in the Gap www.sitgm.org works with churches to help them know how to help those grieving. One of the things they suggest is that the church send a card on the anniversary date of a husband's death...and some other cards during the year to let them know they are thinking about them.
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