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I just wanted to know if any of you experienced anything like this when you lost a loved one:
My Mom died in Feb. I'm an only child but have a ton of cousins. One cousin lives cross-country, but she was always very solicitous of my Mom, even coming to stay with her for a week when she was sick and I couldn't be there, sending her flowers occasionally, etc. However....I did not hear one word from her when my Mom died. When I posted on FB that my Mom was gravely ill, she commented "Nooooo!". After that, I heard nothing. No call, no sympathy card, not even a FB message....nothing. I thought maybe she was just in denial, so despite not hearing from her, I sent her the "funeral packet" (obituary, Mass booklet, holy card, eulogy). No acknowledgement. Weird, huh?
I have a friend whom I don't see much anymore, but we usually send each other birthday cards and catch up by phone maybe once a year or so. I texted her when my Mom died. No response. A few months later, I sent her a birthday card and mentioned that my Mom had died -- nothing. I know she knows, because she told another friend, who promptly sent me a sympathy card. Am I right to feel offended? I'm thinking no more birthday cards for her, if she can't even acknowledge the death of my mother.
I am the type of person who calls, visits, attends funerals, sends cards, etc. I can't imagine why these two have not contacted me at all, other than perhaps they have a really hard time dealing with death. However, it still ticks me off. Anyone else have this type of experience?
I would let it go, people are really weird about death and some don't know how to react. If it's to the point where it bothers you ask them why they didn't respond to your mom's death and see what they have to say.
My uncle passed away 5 days ago.. my future daughter-n-law did not call me nor send me a text message about my loss
I am very upset about it, but I do not want to argue. Do I approach her and ask her why or I just let it go.
My uncle passed away 5 days ago.. my future daughter-n-law did not call me nor send me a text message about my loss
I am very upset about it, but I do not want to argue. Do I approach her and ask her why or I just let it go.
I have never sent condolences or even mentioned it when someone's uncle died. Parents, children, or siblings is where it ends for most people.
I would let it go, people are really weird about death and some don't know how to react. If it's to the point where it bothers you ask them why they didn't respond to your mom's death and see what they have to say.
Please, don't know how to react? You say you're sorry. I could understand a young person to a certain extent who may experience the loss of someone they know for the first time.
But people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. Give me a break.
To not respond back to someone who sends a message saying their mother died?
My father passed a year or so ago. Two Best friends I grew up with didn't say a word, not one condolence. Neither one of these pricks grew up around their dads, and my dad was always good to them. All through the mid to late 70's, 80's, early 90's...they were a fixture at my house, at parties, barbq's...even into adulthood when we didn't see much of each other, they were at my parents house every Christmas eve party.
I know there are some people who are thoughtless, inconsiderate, etc., and don't care that someone they know lost a loved one. There are people who never developed the ability to empathize with others. There are also people who don't like the subject of death, and are really great at denial, and simply "forget" the whole thing. (I personally know a few MASTERS at denial.) There are many psychological mindsets that could result in someone not responding appropriately to learning of the death. This doesn't excuse the behavior; of course, it is borish. But to be angry and offended just wastes the energy of the person who is mourning. Isn't being slighted by that person a small hurt compared to the hurt of losing someone you love? Anger is not "caused" by others. It is reaction we can control by how we frame the situation. I would choose to not let that person negatively affect my life and my process of mourning. Realize that you can't control other people, and get past it. Life is hard enough without holding onto those hurts.
My father passed a year or so ago. Two Best friends I grew up with didn't say a word, not one condolence. Neither one of these pricks grew up around their dads, and my dad was always good to them. All through the mid to late 70's, 80's, early 90's...they were a fixture at my house, at parties, barbq's...even into adulthood when we didn't see much of each other, they were at my parents house every Christmas eve party.
Not one word...nothing on facebook...silence...
will never forgive this
I'm sorry that happened to you. Your dad sounds like he was a great man. Sounds like he was a father figure to them
They're dolts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper
I know there are some people who are thoughtless, inconsiderate, etc., and don't care that someone they know lost a loved one. There are people who never developed the ability to empathize with others. There are also people who don't like the subject of death, and are really great at denial, and simply "forget" the whole thing. (I personally know a few MASTERS at denial.) There are many psychological mindsets that could result in someone not responding appropriately to learning of the death. This doesn't excuse the behavior; of course, it is borish. But to be angry and offended just wastes the energy of the person who is mourning. Isn't being slighted by that person a small hurt compared to the hurt of losing someone you love? Anger is not "caused" by others. It is reaction we can control by how we frame the situation. I would choose to not let that person negatively affect my life and my process of mourning. Realize that you can't control other people, and get past it. Life is hard enough without holding onto those hurts.
Who likes the subject of death?
It's the same nonsense about "I don't like hospitals", who likes hospitals? Other than the people who work there and get paid. Certainly not the person who is in the hospital.
The poster above has a reason to be hurt, should you let it eat up inside, absolutely not. But that doesn't mean you just forget about it either.
It's hard to feel the same about people who aren't there for you when you have known them a long time.
It's no different than if someone stole from you, or breached your trust, or if you got laid off and a friend who could have helped you network or assist in getting you interviews did nothing.
Maya Angelou said "when people show themselves to you, believe them". If you see behavior you don't like you don't have to accept it.
Sometimes you need to do some housecleaning, and many times it is after a traumatic event. You see who has your back and who doesn't. And it's not always the people you think it will be.
Of course, I didn't mean that not liking the subject of death was an excuse. I was trying to say, perhaps poorly, that some people will deny the existence of death so completely that they don't respond appropriately when they hear of a death or impending death. A case in point: my sister in law loved her brother very much, but when I called, in tears, to tell her that her brother (my husband ) was dying, she said "oh, don't worry, he'll beat it" and changed the subject, as though there was no problem.
My experience went both ways. Some I did not expect condolences from gave them and I was nicely surprised. Some I expect condolences from did not but I do not begrudge them.
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