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Of course, I didn't mean that not liking the subject of death was an excuse. I was trying to say, perhaps poorly, that some people will deny the existence of death so completely that they don't respond appropriately when they hear of a death or impending death. A case in point: my sister in law loved her brother very much, but when I called, in tears, to tell her that her brother (my husband ) was dying, she said "oh, don't worry, he'll beat it" and changed the subject, as though there was no problem.
No one beats death, we know that. It's very self absorbed to think we can just go through life and any situation we don't like needs to be ignored, while not thinking about the people directly impacted by the situation.
I had a neighbor whose young adult son took his own life, I knew the wife/mother but not really the husband. I ran into him and it had been about 6 months, was I comfortable bringing up his late son by saying "I was very sorry to hear about David, he was a nice young man and was always very kind to my dad". No I really wasn't easy for me to do that due to the circumstances of the situation. Death of a child and due to suicide.
But to say nothing, would have been insensitive. It wasn't just about me, and me being uncomfortable, it was about this man who lost his son tragically.
Again, it's not just about us all the time. Life isn't just about being comfortable all the time.
See in your situation, I would have said "I don't think you're hearing me, he isn't going to beat this, your brother is dying". Especially if it meant that she needed to make plans to come see him before it was too late, rather than live in denial.
Sorry, you change the subject when you have two people with different political views, when it's about the reality of someone dying, changing the subject isn't going to change the situation.
See in your situation, I would have said "I don't think you're hearing me, he isn't going to beat this, your brother is dying". Especially if it meant that she needed to make plans to come see him before it was too late, rather than live in denial.
Sorry, you change the subject when you have two people with different political views, when it's about the reality of someone dying, changing the subject isn't going to change the situation.
You are quite right. I didn't explain the whole situation in my illustration. My husband lived for almost 4 years, and she was and is ill, and unable to come see him... many more complications. I was just trying to say that there are people who have almost unlimited ability to deny reality. I think it is a very dysfunctional way to live. But my experience is that you can't talk someone out of that world view - they just deny that you said anything.
I just wanted to know if any of you experienced anything like this when you lost a loved one:
My Mom died in Feb. I'm an only child but have a ton of cousins. One cousin lives cross-country, but she was always very solicitous of my Mom, even coming to stay with her for a week when she was sick and I couldn't be there, sending her flowers occasionally, etc. However....I did not hear one word from her when my Mom died. When I posted on FB that my Mom was gravely ill, she commented "Nooooo!". After that, I heard nothing. No call, no sympathy card, not even a FB message....nothing. I thought maybe she was just in denial, so despite not hearing from her, I sent her the "funeral packet" (obituary, Mass booklet, holy card, eulogy). No acknowledgement. Weird, huh?
I have a friend whom I don't see much anymore, but we usually send each other birthday cards and catch up by phone maybe once a year or so. I texted her when my Mom died. No response. A few months later, I sent her a birthday card and mentioned that my Mom had died -- nothing. I know she knows, because she told another friend, who promptly sent me a sympathy card. Am I right to feel offended? I'm thinking no more birthday cards for her, if she can't even acknowledge the death of my mother.
I am the type of person who calls, visits, attends funerals, sends cards, etc. I can't imagine why these two have not contacted me at all, other than perhaps they have a really hard time dealing with death. However, it still ticks me off. Anyone else have this type of experience?
My two supposedly best friends did not come to my husband's memorial service nor did they send me a card. Eight months after he died I was diagnosed with cancer. Never received a card, a phone call, nothing from two people who were once very special to me. Needless to say I don't keep in touch anymore. It's not that I hold a grudge as much as it is hurt feelings. I would not treat a friend like that.
When my husband died, I got dozens of cards from people at church, friends, relatives and calls, too, mostly from relatives. I did not, however, keep a list or tally them up. If someone failed to send a condolence, I would not have noticed. I appreciated the ones I got. My mind was so lost in grief, why would I care if this or that person didn't send a card? I can't understand why anyone would care about that kind of minutia at the time of such loss.
At the time of the loss you don't think about it because you are too devastated. It's only after months have passed that you realize to yourself "hey I haven't heard from N or D in quite awhile, not even when L died".
It's really tough for some people. For example, my son was bipolar & had estranged himself from many people. He died a natural death on January 11th. My family, of course, acknowledged my loss, but others who knew how he was acting, were/are at a loss for words. I understand that & do not blame them.
A little background; he was burned over 70% of his body & between the pain meds & the anti-psychotic meds, he was totally disoriented. It got worse & worse through the years so, for many people, myself included, it was a relief that he was finally at peace. But, how do you say that to a mother?
I certainly understand their dilemna.
This is happening to me now. My mom died last week, and while I've gotten a lot of support, there are some "friends" who haven't acknowledged her death in any way, shape or form, even though it's been all over my social media. It's crappy, to say the least.
When and if these people re-emerge in my life, my only response will be "My mother died ___ time ago". And then there will be silence from me for good. I have no room for such people in my life.
Maybe I'm displacing grief anger or whatever. But people who ignore a major loss are being cruel. Ignore at the peril of a lost friendship/relationship
My dear mom passed away this past December, shortly after Christmas. My husband's family has never exactly been accepting of me or my two children from a previous relationship, so I suppose I shouldn't have expected very much from them. But when I literally received only one text message from his entire side of many, many people, I realized that I and my children have always been better off without them in our lives. This is a family I have spent 14 years of my life trying to win over, and I have even wept with them over their own member's deaths. At first I was hurt, but now I'm relieved that the line has finally been drawn and I no longer have to "try" with any of them ever again.
This is happening to me now. My mom died last week, and while I've gotten a lot of support, there are some "friends" who haven't acknowledged her death in any way, shape or form, even though it's been all over my social media. It's crappy, to say the least.
When and if these people re-emerge in my life, my only response will be "My mother died ___ time ago". And then there will be silence from me for good. I have no room for such people in my life.
Maybe I'm displacing grief anger or whatever. But people who ignore a major loss are being cruel. Ignore at the peril of a lost friendship/relationship
I am sorry for your loss, but how do you even know these people know about your mother's passing?
Did you call anyone? I know it's hard, but when my dad passed I called people, and had two family friends offer to call people to help me out.
Unless you contact people directly, posting on your Facebook page(which people may or may not see) isn't the way to do it.
It's one thing if you call people or have someone call them, it's another to just post online saying your mother passed and assuming people will see it. JMO, but I think when it's people your close to or your mother you call, something very cold about reading it online, like a celebrity death except this is someone you knew in real life.
I am very hurt that my Company who I have given 6 years of top quality work didn't even send a card. My daughter was only 33 and left behind 2 toddlers and we are devastated. My son's company sent flowers, cards and he has been with them just 1 year.
After my Father died, I was flabbergasted that some people did not mention it, I was so upset, I even asked one good frined, why didn;t she say anything, her response was :she did not want to upset me, by bringing it up, ( I had taken time of work to travel to the funeral,) so she thought, wrongly it was best to say nothing. I do not hold it against people if they do not say anything, it is not the way or the culture I was raised in, but I am not them.
nst I am so sorry for your loss. she was far too young to die. hugs
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