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tamiznluv..It was just too hard for my husband and I to face his death and say "goodbye" until the very last hour when we knew there was no hope left..We both had a tendency to be "positive thinkers" so we never wanted to give up or assume the worst about anything in life...He was sitting up and puttering around on his phone the day before in the hospital and was perky..I expected to bring him home the next day...Basically he only went into the hospital because he thought he might be a little dehydrated and to have his potassium level checked etc..He wasn't really sick or "down and out." He was still cooking and shopping and cleaning the cat's boxes before he went in..We live in the desert and we'd had a series of super hot days. So he just wanted to have his fluid levels checked because he felt a teeny bit dizzy...Anyway he perked right up after a few days in the hospital and I thought I'd be bringing him home and our life would go on as normal...Then I got a call from the hospital the day I thought I'd be bringing him home. They said he had some problems and was going to be put in ICU...He stayed in a positive mood all day long even though he was poked and prodded...Doctors came in with stern looks on their faces and gave us a negative prognosis...Still we expected him to pull through...The day wore on and we had to come to grips with reality..But we made our time together as pleasant as possible and even played and joked around as normal...At some point we knew we better have a "goodbye talk."..We all felt sad and cried and tried to apologize to each other for all our mistakes. Then we talked about how much we loved each other and would always love each other...We got the "mushy stuff" and regrets out of the way and went back to playing and entertaining each other as normal with a few tears in between...My husband stayed happy (as normal) until a few hours later when his heart stopped beating...My son and I stuck around for a long time and talked about how lucky and blessed we were to have him in our life. And we talked about all the wonderful things we learned from him all through the years.
CArizona, what a beautiful post! I know it was painful to relive that, but thanks for sharing it with all of us. Whether death comes unexpectedly, or even when you "prepare" for it, it is still a shock. Jim had been breathing hard when I laid down at night.....I couldn't even be in the same room with him, it was so hard to listen to him gasping.....I think I knew this was it.....and then at 6 the next morning, I went into his room and he was still. It looked like he was just sleeping so peacefully and effortlessly, not struggling to breathe.
The coroner said he had been gone for about 5-6 hours....and I didn't even know. But I am so glad he is finally at peace.
The bolded got me to thinking, tn. You and I were blessed to have been able to talk with Jim and Earl about this subject before they died. They were able to tell us what they felt and gave us their blessings. Earl did the same as Jim, told my bf his feelings and thoughts about me. His worst fear was leaving me alone and that I wouldn't/couldn't care for myself if my MS acted up real bad like it has in the past. So far so good.
I think maybe that both of our husbands would also so be okay with us NOT "moving on", ie. finding another lover. As long as we are not in constant pain and do not "crave" another, if we are content in the lives we are carving out for ourselves, I just know they wanted only for us to be happy and content with ourselves. THAT is my new definition of "moving on". With that definition in mind, I think I have "moved on" and Earl would be very pleased with me. He loved me with all his heart and would not have wanted me to suffer as I suffered in the begining. Same for Jim and you. No matter what, they knew what was and still is in our hearts.
Be happy/content my freind. (((HUGS)))
~tami~
I agree tami. 100%. I am happy and content with myself, because I know he lives on in my heart. That gives me courage to go on. I feel like the possibilities for my new life are endless, and I know Jim would want me to be happy.
tngirl
I wanted to add a comment......I have seen you "blossom" in this forum. Like smilin, you seem happy and it shows!! I'm glad you're moving on....you go girl!
Thank you for sharing and I agree what a beautiful post. I am so sorry that you have had to endure and experience so many loses in such a short time.
((((CArizona)))).
CA, that was a wonderful "last day" you had with your husband. That must have been so painful to tell and relive. Thank you so much. (((HUGS)))
tn, thanks for noticing as I have you and smilin'.
I don't mean to exclude anyone, it's just that out of all of "us", smilin' seemed to be the worst off of us all and I was seriously worried about her.
I'm so glad you went to your doctor, smilin' and got the medicine to help you cope. Depression is a killer and nothing to be scoffed at as some do. I'm so glad you are here with us, smilin'. (((HUGS)))
I think I am forgetting how bad off I was in the begining now. Good, that is what recovery is all about.
Thanks to everyone for caring..When I wrote about my husband's "last day" yesterday of course I felt sad...But more than anything I felt happy that my son and I didn't try to make my husband feel "bad" or guilty for leaving...We didn't "weigh him down" or try to hold him back...We made his "last day" pleasant! He certainly didn't want to die and we didn't want him to go either...But I guess we all realized that his death was inevitable and we had to accept it..So we tried to make our final hours with him "positive" and happy...This is the first time I've "looked back" and felt happy! I feel proud of the way that all 3 of us handled his "last day" and final hours.
It's weird, I didn't know how to talk with Earl a lot unless he initiated it. I'd talk about the fact that he was going to die and he'd get mad at me. I'd talk like there was hope for him, he'd get mad at me. I just stopped talking. This was after we talked about me "moving on" talk. I didn't know the cancer had spread to his brain, he wouldn't let me go with him to the doctor's visits. I "cried too much" he said. I think that's why I was in such bad shape in the begining of my mourning, he wouldn't let me cry for him, for me, for us. I started crying the morning of Jan. 19th, 2012 and did not stop for 5 months.
He "came" to me earlier that morning when he died. I "felt" him as he probably took his last breath. I became very aggitated all of a sudden and was looking up at the top of the curtains all the time and was feeling something like I have never felt before. I was talking to him and telling him I wanted to go down the Cape right then and there to see him. I heard him tell me again, for the upteenth time, "do not drink and drive". I "obeyed" him this time. I can't describe it and it's only in hindsight when I found out what time he died that this is the only reasonable explanation that I can come up with to explain what I went through at that particular time in space. LOL as if "unearthly" stuff is reasonable.
Our stories are so similar Tam.. My DH had COPD and he would go to the doctor and did not want me to go. He told me he wasn't going to live a long time, but of course i didn't want to hear it from a man who was only 50 yo. The night he passed away, he had a horrible cold and was having a hard time breathing. I knew he didn't look right but he refused to go to the hospital that night.
He went to bed at 9 PM and I went to bed at 10 PM. At midnight I awoke and knew instantly knew something was not right. I felt him and he was cold. Hours later I finally was alone and laid on our bed where he had been and I felt the bed shake just a few seconds.
I found so many prescriptions for test that he never took or even told me about, now I know why he didn't want me to go with him to the doctor.
I am not sure why but I wonder if the numbness is because we experienced a huge loss that nothing else can compare. My brother passed away in Dec and I was sad but I just couldn't cry, I don't know why.
Sorry if this is rambling... just my thoughts running around
Our stories are so similar Tam.. My DH had COPD and he would go to the doctor and did not want me to go. He told me he wasn't going to live a long time, but of course i didn't want to hear it from a man who was only 50 yo. The night he passed away, he had a horrible cold and was having a hard time breathing. I knew he didn't look right but he refused to go to the hospital that night.
He went to bed at 9 PM and I went to bed at 10 PM. At midnight I awoke and knew instantly knew something was not right. I felt him and he was cold. Hours later I finally was alone and laid on our bed where he had been and I felt the bed shake just a few seconds.
I found so many prescriptions for test that he never took or even told me about, now I know why he didn't want me to go with him to the doctor.
I am not sure why but I wonder if the numbness is because we experienced a huge loss that nothing else can compare. My brother passed away in Dec and I was sad but I just couldn't cry, I don't know why.
Sorry if this is rambling... just my thoughts running around
Yes, I think this is it. I've experienced death before, but only with older family members (grandparents) and people who were so distant to me I wasn't very vested in the relationship. This was just a different kind of pain.
The replies are helpful to know I'm not alone.
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