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I'm not totally "numb" all the time. But I feel like I have to "play soldier" at times to get through each day. And to get through the holiday season this year..I don't expect to remain "numb" forever. (I hope not!) But it just doesn't seem smart (or wise) to open-up all of my "floodgates" right now. (All at the same time.) How do you feel about it?...It seems best to deal with my feelings in spurts right now. (So I don't become overwhelmed or incapacitated etc.)...I don't feel totally "shut-down" but I do have a sense of holding myself back at times just so I can make-it through each day without becoming a "basket case!"..Do you think there are degrees of "numbness?" Do you have another (or better way) of describing this sense of wanting and needing to stay strong? (In order to function.)..I let myself cry at times and make it okay. But I just can't afford to have a total "breakdown" right now...Thanks for listening and sharing.
This "numbness" is a way of coping. As you said, it is the skill you have acquired in order to keep functioning.
Seems to me it is a useful skill!
You can't "let go" and sink into despair -- so you have found a coping skill that helps you get through things.
I think the fact that you realize you are numbing yourself shows that you are on the right track. :-)
In a way, it is a type of categorizing . . . putting things on the back shelf for now . . . and choosing to focus on getting through the day and each encounter with others with some private dignity. The time for letting go is when you are alone.
The flip side is . . . are you forcing yourself too soon to be with others and do the routine things when you would prefer to be alone?
Hi, CA. I had many, many meltdowns in the first 5 months after Earl's death. The first one was when I stopped at work after leaving his body at the hospice. That was my one and only public display of my grief. Not having children around made having my breakdowns NBD. I had them often until I got down on my knees and begged God to help me "ease the pain in my heart". That's why that is my sig underneath my nic.
I'm not trying to push religion on anyone, just saying what worked for me. Actually "religion" is incorrect in my life, I have "Faith". I do not believe in any "regular religion". I have just my own "Faith".
As long as you do not have your breakdowns in public, I see no harm in expressing your grief in the privacy of your own home.
We all have had to "numb down" our hearts in order to survive. This allows us to function outside the home when we need to.
On the other hand, opening up the "floodgates" so many times at home was neccessary. Why don't you want to? You can't keep all that pain welled up inside you. It's not healthy. If I remember correctly, you are alone in your house right now, right? Well, the cats. Why do you feel the need to "stay strong"? For whom? For what? The cats? What am I missing here? You owe nothing to anybody according to what you've told us. IMO get it out of your system.
Tami and anifani..Thanks for your caring posts. I do cry in private at times. But maybe I'm starting to come into my "own" a little more and automatically pass if off as being "numb" or ????..Sometimes it's hard to understand all of it...Over the past few weeks I've had to deal with a lot of unexpected things. Felt nervous and shaky at times but managed to get through all of it...I decided to stay-in and hibernate for a few days. (To get back in balance.)...I do cry and feel sad at times but I seem to be doing better too. Maybe I'm just not used to being okay by myself! And I have to put some type of label on it by wondering if I'm "numb" or ?? Does this make any sense?...It can be confusing! Maybe part of me even feels guilty for starting to come into my "own" and not crying all the time!...Has anyone ever felt like this? I know I'm still going to face sad and "down times." I don't feel that my grief is over..Anyway I'm just trying to understand this new phase a little better. Thanks for listening and sharing!
CA, I feel a little guilty over seemingly not be to be in deep mourning anymore sometimes. I see the look in some people's eyes when I answer their question of "how are you?". I see a little shock in there. Why? Because I haven't mourned even a year yet? At least to their knowledge. They are not privvy to my homelife nor my insides, so they see only what I wish to show "outsiders". Those who show no signs of shock and are truly happy that I have "made it" are the only ones I care about. Those who were really concerned for my health and my life are the ones who are the happiest for me. I've been basically in "hibernation" since Jan 19, 2012. I think that has helped a lot since being with people is not something I NEED.
You'll do fine, CA. You're finding your own way. Maybe you don't need all those "labels".
Tami...Thanks for all you've shared...It does take a lot of energy to put up a "brave front" in public all the time and "act okay!"..Sometimes I really am "halfway okay" but at other times I'm a "mess" inside...It does help to be around open and understanding friends. I'm glad you have some friends like this..People who make a career out of hiding their feelings aren't the best to be around!...It's as if they are made of stone or steel. They take pride that nothing ever "gets" to them. (Or affects them emotionally.) I'm not like this!..But there are times when I need to put my emotions on the "shelf" for a bit to function properly!...I watched a Christmas movie that made me cry last night. My cats got up from their slumber and gathered around me. (Which was nice!)..I hugged them and we talked for a little while...Then they got bored and took off and I felt better too.
Hope it's okay if I write a little more...Sometimes I'm not really the one who is "shut-down" or "numb" when I spend time with other people. It's not always me!..There are times when I want to see friends (or go out) to feel more "alive." (To take my mind off my troubles for a little while and hopefully have a little fun.)...But it doesn't always turn out to be fun because the people I'm with seem "tight-lipped" and pretty darn serious..I try to start-up conversations or even say something funny once in awhile but there is very little "follow-through" and everything seems to "die-off" and silence and seriousness prevails..A friend took me out to eat on my birthday which was nice...But it was the most "serious birthday" I've ever had! There was very little talking and no sense of fun or play at all! I couldn't wait to come home and talk to the cats and play with them a little bit!..My "livelier" friends live far away. We talk on the phone once in awhile and talking to them always helps me feel more "alive."..We talk about "serious stuff" (when need be) and discuss our feelings and problems in-depth..But we always find things to laugh about too. We even laugh at ourselves at times and life in general...Conversation always goes back and forth. We don't run into "dead-zones" or long periods of awkward silence...When they come up to visit me we don't go from "point a" to "point b" with nothing in between. (As if life is just about getting jobs done or chores accomplished etc.)..When my husband and son were alive we tried to make simple little things fun and exciting for ourselves and each other. This was our culture! And my far-off friends tend to be this way too...But I can really end-up feeling like an alien or weirdo with some of my local friends. And this is why I stay alone a lot.
I'm not totally "numb" all the time. But I feel like I have to "play soldier" at times to get through each day. And to get through the holiday season this year..I don't expect to remain "numb" forever. (I hope not!) But it just doesn't seem smart (or wise) to open-up all of my "floodgates" right now. (All at the same time.) How do you feel about it?...It seems best to deal with my feelings in spurts right now. (So I don't become overwhelmed or incapacitated etc.)...I don't feel totally "shut-down" but I do have a sense of holding myself back at times just so I can make-it through each day without becoming a "basket case!"..Do you think there are degrees of "numbness?" Do you have another (or better way) of describing this sense of wanting and needing to stay strong? (In order to function.)..I let myself cry at times and make it okay. But I just can't afford to have a total "breakdown" right now...Thanks for listening and sharing.
Dearest CA,
I completely understand when you describe the feeling of "numb". I feel the same way. I don't feel happiness, only sadness and loneliness. I don't know ever when I will feel happiness and laughter, I fake it. I go through the steps, pretend, fake it until you make it sort of thing. And people in general irritate the dog snout out of me My truth is much different from all of yours but I have found in my life, MOST people have a agenda to be nice to me, they want something from me. My existence is to hold up in my house, to close all my blinds and be left alone.
It will be six months Dec 27th since my husband passed and today is our 35th wedding anniversary. I am going to clean house and cry off and on today.
Numb I feel. I think it is protection process, because I have been hurt by other people and family, and I don't feel that hurt to the extent I would if I did not have that numbness. People can try to hurt me as much as they want to, it won't penetrate my being, like it would before because I am numb.
There is nothing wrong showing your emotions in public. Last week, I went to a dinner at a restaurant, part of the group I belong to. Very nice gentleman sat next to me, retired and he asked what brought me here and I explained to him I lost my husband and found myself crying. He was so nice and so sweet, unlike, 85 percent of the men I have been in contact in.
There is no right way or wrong way to feel. Each one of us approaches our grief differently. I am into the sixth month and I am still crying from the loss of my husband.
You are where you are suppose to be. Just continue to post here and share your feelings. WE all will embrace you, love you and nuture you. I have read your story and my heart goes out to you, and although I can't possibly understand all of your feelings, I am here for you. (((((CArizona)))))
smilinpretty...Thanks for your kindness and caring. I know it might be rough for you since today is your wedding anniversary. I'm sorry..I'm glad you sat next to such a nice and understanding man at your group dinner...I've decided to go to a Christmas social at the complex where my son used to live on Saturday. Everyone will be bringing desserts...A lot of the older ladies at the complex really loved my son. He always enjoyed spending time with older people. He was this way all his life..When he was 10 he used to visit a widow across the street all the time and became her adopted grandson since her own kids lived far away...He enjoyed watching her crochet and listening to her tales and stories from the past...Anyway I want to thank the ladies at my son's former complex for caring about my son and enriching his life when he lived close to them...A lot of the ladies were caring towards me (too) when I came over to move my son's things out earlier this year...It will be good to get out and will give me something to look forward to even though I feel a little socially awkward at times right now...Great that you have your group. Sorry that everyone hasn't been caring or sincere towards you. I've run into some of this too...Sending you a big hug. I hope you do okay today. Please stay in touch! Thanks again for writing and caring.
Oh,CA, your son and I have allot in common. I was the same way when I was young. I loved to be around the older folks. Always have. My very best friends in the world were 32 years older than myself. My husband was 23 years older than me.
Wishing you a wonderful and bliss time at your Christmas social, I know you will have mixed feelings but the love there will embrace you and you will feel comfort. Sending you a big hug back!!! I have decided to stay in bed all day. I know I am very depressed but I will work on it. xxxoo
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